to say what you need to say.

I'm in a season of keeping my mouth shut.

It has to be one of my least favorite seasons of life, and yet, I know that it's critically important to just stay quiet.

This is not the normal, natural response for a reactor.

Things in my life are changing and while they are, well, scary, I know and have to believe that God is seeing me and will see me through.  I refuse to believe otherwise.  And I'm trying NOT to comment. 

And to make this season even crazier, I'm intentionally asking God to change me.

In a few situations in my life, I am both cognitively aware and heart-aware that the other folks are never going to change.  I'm taking away any expectations that they can change, and asking God to make the changes in me.

I can honestly say that I never really expected to pray for that.

here goes...

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I've had some pain in my knee and hip so I've had to scale back on my workouts.  I am refusing to stop but am acutely aware that I need to take care of my body.  I didn't gain 60 pounds overnight and hope as I may, I won't lose it that way either.

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The blogging community that you are never ceases to amaze me, encourage me, inspire me, and love me.  I wish I had the financial means to come to where you are, buy you dinner, give you a ginormous hug, and tell you how much I love you.  Since I can't, I hope this will suffice.

From the bottom of my heart, with all my heart, thank you, and I love you.

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Lastly, I need a vacation. 

Hallelujah, and pass the airline tickets.

AMEN.

xoxo,
me.

it's meeting the man of your dreams… and then meeting his beautiful wife.

As I write this, I can’t help but find the irony (get it?) of Alanis Morrisette’s song and how it applies to my oh-so-interesting day Thursday, also one of the occupational hazards of being a single woman.

I need to preface what I write with this: these are my thoughts. I would never in a million years cross any lines because that’s not me. If after reading this, you feel an urge to berate me in the comments, suppress it. I will probably retaliate and you'll regret your choice.

There is a guy that I work with that I have talked via phone to for the last five years. He has the best phone voice, a combination of Good ‘Ole Boy and college education. He is funny, and we’ve talked about everything from church to politics to family. He is married with 2 kids and he knows I’m single.

Thursday, I had to pick something up from him. Despite the fact that we’ve corresponded for so long and that we’ve been a quarter mile from one another all this time, we had never met.

I tend to find 90% of men attractive. I rule them as completely disgusting after I witness something they do. There are exceptions, like the Great Date Escape of Oh-10. Because I lean toward the almost-always-attractiveness-line, I rarely have anyone take my breath away. In my 31 years, I’d say like twice, tops.

But this guy took my breath away. It happened so fast and so instantaneously that it scared me. He walked away from a meeting to stand beside me and all I could think was ala-Joey-Russo – “Woah!”. I mean, WOAH is right. He wasn’t one of your typical drop dead gorgeous guys. (I tend to lean toward the non-traditional hotties anyway), but something about him got me.

I know this is going to sound just as crazy, but I’m telling you I had one of those movie moments where I know he felt it too.

And it scared the bah-ju-ju out of me.

Lest you all think I’m some marriage-breaker-up (WHICH I’M NOT), please know that nothing and I mean nothing will ever happen. I value marriage. What I did realize is that I miss, and I long for, THAT feeling. Someone to take my breath away.

It’s so easy sometimes to fall prey to the thoughts that settling is an option. If you knew what I’d been entertaining the last few weeks some of you would be ashamed of me. I am 31. I’m still single. I’ve foolishly focused some attention on a guy thinking that he should love me! Writing that down is as preposterous as the thinking behind it. I shouldn’t have to negotiate with anyone for them to love me. Regardless of the awesomeness I bring to the table, love should never be forced. Or contractual. It should just happen naturally.

It should be someone taking my breath away…

I think.

xoxo,
me.

breathe. stretch. shake. run.

My life is all about running right now.  I could bore you with the details, but I'm trying to spare you.  It's going well, I'm still sweating like Cuh-ray-zy, and I'm loving it.  Endurance, endurance, endurance!!

I have completely disconnected electronically while at work.  I have days where it's frustrating, but OH! so necessary.  The only downside is that I'm missing all of y'all!!  With the addition of running and the fact that my computer is not in an advantageous spot in my home, I miss out on reading your wonderful thoughts and words on Your blogs. 

The upside to all this running is that now my body has decided to wake up at a decent hour every day.  With this, I may be able to blog regularly and read your lovely things!  YAY!

Come to think of it, my life may be all about explanation right now.

Pop quiz -- how do you define the difference between explanation and excuse?

Anywhoodle-oo.  I'm trying to think of exciting things going on in my life?????????????

I've got nothing.  :)

But, I do love you all (even though I haven't met most of you!) and pray that today is a wonderful day for you!!!

xoxo,
me.

a whole lot of randomness.

I'm heading out to run in a few seconds.  I haven't blogged in a few days.  Oops.  Thank you if you're still here.

P.S.  Your comments have been the things that helped keep me going this week.

I had the most hellacious week in 5 years.  I was WAY past the end of my rope/tying knots crap.  WAY PAST.

And it's funny how God works because right in the middle of my terribleness, he used my Mom to send a prayer.  I boo-hoo'ed the entire prayer, as I simultaneously read it and prayed. 

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Running this week kicked my butt.  BIG TIME.  I'm a wee bit nervous of tonight's run.

I've been listening to Kristen Chenoweth's audio book -- she is HYSTERICAL.  You should audio-read it.  She's so funny as she narrates her own life.

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When I haven't been listening to her, I've been pulling some good jams:

Dave Barnes -- God gave me you.  DAVE'S VOICE IS LIKE BUT-TAH.  SWEET & CREAMY BUT-TAH.

Billionaire -- Travis McCoy. (Find the radio edit if you can.)

Georgia Clay -- Josh Kelley.  I really could care less about his wife, but I like this song.

Club Can't Handle Me -- Flo Rida.  HELLO? I'M RUNNING.  I NEED SOME GOOD BEATS. And I like Flo Rida.

Lover, Lover -- Jerrod Neimann.   Such a catchy rhythm.  Lovin' it.

The Finish Line - Train.  I think this song resonates with me so much now because of some goals.  Such a good song.

Bleed -- Hot Chelle Rae.  Love the crescendo from words to chorus. 

First to Fall -- Laura Shay.  I can only blame the Hallmark channel and it's cheesy/Saturday-sustaining movies for this. Ha!

Dynamite -- Taio Cruz.   I know, judge me if you need to, but I like the musicality of it all.

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Other that than, I'm just praying a lot.  I WILL get through this thing in my life.  I am not weak!

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lastly?

Dear People.com,

Unless you're telling me that she has gotten saved (FOR REAL), please stop writing about Lindsay Lohan.  She needs Jesus and pants (in that order), and I don't care if she's in rehab or jail, or anything. 

Thanks,

JC

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xoxo,

Me.

a letter.

Dear Heart,

(insert thug attitude/vibe) You gone have to get out this funk real quick.  Sad Jenn is not cool.  (end thug attitude/vibe).

10 years ago today, the very first man you ever loved smashed your heart into a gazillion pieces.  While most people bounce after a few months, you decided to drag it out for nearly 3 years.

:(

the only reason you really got over him was because you got into somebody else.  Trouble was his middle name, and being phony was his game.  That ended after too many years, and you were doing good.  You don't miss either of those boys, but letting the loneliness get to you? Not really okay.

Today, you need to get your junk together and snap back to your self.  

You are so much smarter than that 20 year old was. You've been burned, but you've felt love, at the very core of who you are, and you know you want it again.  Don't close yourself off to experiencing that, no matter what "rational" reason you think you can come up with.  Love ... is the most exhilarating feeling in the world.  Remember the high, and be happy.

from,
Me.

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Tonight, I ran without any music or words pounding into my ears.  Just to run, to de-stress, to engage in conversation with God.  To cry a little, laugh a few times, and pound my fist in the air when I realized I WASN'T dying after 2 minutes. And then another 2 minutes.  And then aNOTHER 2 minutes.

Yay!

I don't know if I need to quit finding balance and just do it, or what.  I'm sorry you all are enduring with me as I figure out what in the world I need to do with my life (and I'm thanking you MUCHO MUCH in advance).

In the comments of the last post, Gina @ I am Gina Bob left a quote that I needed to be reminded of (P.S. stop by her blog if you haven't yet.  Gina is so sweet!):

"Tears are liquid prayers that need no interpretation." -C.H. Spurgeon

and I need to remember that today.

xoxo,
me.

oh sunday eve.

This weekend, I have been a BUSY girl! 

Friday night, I helped decorate for a friend's lingerie shower.  I wasn't feeling well (and I'll expand on things in a moment), so I headed back home.

Yesterday, I woke up entirely too early, did my workout in blazing heat, took care of laundry, and finished off last night with a birthday dinner at Hooter's for my friend Josh followed by two hysterical rounds of miniature golf!

Today, got up early, talked to my brother for a bit, went to an AWESOME church service, and then headed back to the Vegas and then Knoxville for another birthday party tonight -- a viewing of The Other Guys and dinner at Pei Wei.

And I arrived home to find my rarely here German neighbors having blocked half the driveway, and a giant puddle of water in my house.

GOOD TIMES, I SAY.  Good times.

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I am... struggling.  Struggling with some things that I don't know how to process any other way but by prayer.  I KNOW that God answers prayer.  I've witnessed it, I've been on the receiving end of it, I know it works.

And Friday night, amidst my already feeling bad, I was sort of overcome with emotion and wound up crying the entire 40 minute ride home.

It's a feeling that I can't quite articulate (I find myself not being able to articulate a lot of things lately!), but this one really bugs me. 

It's an uncomfortableness, of sorts.

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On Friday night, I drove around my Alma Mater.  I am so blessed to have gone to Lee University.  It's not a school for everyone, but it definitely was the perfect fit for me.  This time each year is so special to me, because August 19th will be my 11th anniversary of moving away from home. 

I left all the security blankets I had and took a giant leap of faith by moving away.  Lee has such special, wonderful memories for me, and I can't imagine what my life would have been without that place.

Who I would be without that place.

And maybe all this introspection comes from that.  Remembering the naive 20 year old I was.  Never been kissed.  Never been loved.  Never been away from home for that long.  Never stepped out with that kind of faith before.

As I was driving around campus, I was struck at how much has changed physically.

And yet, my memories are frozen in time.  Stuck in that first dorm room.  Stuck waiting in the lobby for those boys!  Stuck on the ped mall for the most hilarious story.  Stuck.

Maybe I'm stuck??????

Maybe... I'm stuck.

xoxo,

me.

run. clear. run.

I need to be perfectly honest and say, that I had a great run tonight.  I feel like (and I know this is premature), but I sincerely feel like I'm GETTING it this time.

And it feels good.

Today, we had some NASTY weather is D-town.  Like small hail, high winds, and much needed heavy rain.  Running outside in 100% humidity seemed a tad foolish, but I was willing.  When I got to the track, no one was there.  Call me paranoid, but running by myself with no one in the park?  No, thank ya'.

I headed to the gym.

This is what I wrote on my facebook:

I had a good run tonight. I think it also helped that I had a SUPER HOT GUY in front of me who kept smiling, maybe he was secretly thinking I looked ridiculous on the treadmill, but in my head, he was proud of me for running. Op, and then he did come speak to me. Silly me forgot to get his name, but I did not see a wedding band. Ah, the important details. Dear Hot Guy, THANK YOU!!! BEST. RUN. TO. DATE!!!

You know, you have to celebrate the small victories.

Yay for good runs.  Yay for hot guys without wedding rings.  Yay for getting it together.  FINALLY... hopefully.

xoxo,
me.