Resolutes and more...

I know many people don't make NYR but I really like to!!! I kept ONE of my thirteen from last year. (boo!) But I still like making them anyway!

My motto this year is: _____ in '08

1) Lose weight in '08 -- it's time to get healthy!!

2) Get in Straight in '08 -- more time in the Word!!

3) be great in '08 -- Just to be fabulous. I want my 20's to go out with a bang as I welcome 30 in this year!

4) don't be late in '08 -- they laid the law down at work!!

5) tempt fate in '08 -- fun stuff!!!!

6) create in '08 -- "to be creative in context..." (a quote from B109). It inspires me to want to be creative wherever I am -- work, home, church, small groups, Wal-Mart, etc.

7) don't be irate in '08 -- I have had the worst attitude the last few weeks, and I'm tired of being ill and aggravated!

8) decorate in '08 -- my apartment, cards, crafts, my black wardrobe... whatever strikes my fancy!

9) be bait in '08 -- be a witness for the Lord this year!! I know somebody is dying that I used bait in terms of luring people to Jesus, but if you're light is shinin' (so to speak), then you technically are bait for the Lord!

10) find a mate in '08! -- I'm ready!!! :) Do you know anyone? They 1) must love Jesus, 2) preferably taller than 6', 3) would prefer gainfully employed. Phone numbers available on request.

What are yours?????

2008 and more...

Can I get an AMEN???

the day after Christmas...

is such a big shopping day for most folks. I... am at work. Slaving away. Yeah right. Blogging, playing on the internet, reading the love story and finding myself completely entranced as I read about Ree and Marlboro Man. Seriously, if you haven't read it, or at least caught up lately, stop by and show some love. Except for the excessive making out (which I'm sure is only my bitterness talkin'), it is an incredible sweet story that gives me hope that my masculine, God-lovin', taller than 5'9" man is just around the proverbial bend for me. Ahh, sweet hope. Other than that, I've paid a few bills and laughed while reading about the frontier thrills and trials. There are only seven people on my entire floor, so it is deliciously quiet.

Oh yes, and I'm a little sick. I have "seen the rainbow" (Bits, I'm leaving the apostrophes for interpretation), and wish it would go away. I do sound as though I 1) need to take out my lungs and hose them off, 2) am round about early stage four Emphysema, 3) I'm really 97 years old fighting off bronchitis.

And all is well except for a little incident with a co-worker down the hall who, well frankly, she is not nice, and when broached on the topic, proceeded to send me an email that I was unprofessional. Ridiculously unimportant story short, I went to clarify her rude email, and she promptly lied to my face. Oh well.

aren't y'all proud??? just an "Oh well!"!! Remember... this is melodramatic me!!! An "Oh well" is a breakthrough!!!

See, I'm growing and it's not even 2008 yet.

Christmas and all that Jazz...

I don't remember my last post, and for fear that it was probably bitter or cynical or some mix thereof, I'm going to start on a clean slate!!

Christmas this year has been a whirlwind and, while I'm not excited about going to work because I have been sick the entire Christmas break, I'm thrilled to jump into a new year!! My favorite Christmas presents this year included a gift from my Dad, a sweet card from my aunt, and IPod (for me to work out with!), and a diamond pendant from my Mom.

But mostly I'm thankful that I was able to see my family and love on them, and remember that if it weren't for Jesus' birth, we would never have Jesus' death, resurrection, and grace.

That Grace is worth it all.

And oh yeah... getting my Mom the best Christmas Present E.V.E.R.

Hope you all had a good one with your family... and Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

"For unto us a child is born..."

Various and unsundries... Part Cinco

• Now that I'm up to part 5 in spanish, maybe I need to learn a new language.
• A friend of mine shared the other day that when he used to cut grass on a riding lawn mower, he would translate conversations into spanish.
• When I did the same with my grandfather (cut grass, that is), I would have these extensive theological debates.
• It's a little much for a 14-year old, huh?
• My Christmas shopping is ALMOST complete. I have four gifts to buy!
• My Christmas cards have not made it out of the house though... those may get to you b/f 2008, but I'm not making promises.
• A co-worker who I adore got me a Calligraphy set for Christmas. I may not have many talents, but I do like to think I have nice handwriting. I'm excited to use that gift!
• We gave a lady down the hall earmuffs since she hates noise at work (don't ask). I do not think she got the joke. (But, they are cute earmuffs.)
• Hollie from this season's Biggest Loser is my new inspiration. When (notice not IF), WHEN I lose 40 pounds, I will chop my hair off like hers.
• So, add six months of growth, and I think I'll be chopping off about 12 inches.
• That... is alot of hair.
• And is kinda scary.
• (But, boy won't I look cute!)
• I need to make resolutions for 2008,... goals... if you will.
• 2007 Soundtracks are ready. I will try to post the emo list of songs shortly.

FYI's...

I saw I Am Legend this weekend, and it scared the hoo-hah out of me.

But the scapes of NYC are phenomenal. They even panned up my brother's street... you can see his Front Door!!!

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I saw a Britney Spears video (for like... the first time in six years), and I no longer believe she's crazy, I think she's manipulating and planning her every crazy move.

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On the schedule of the Twelve Days of Christmas, I believe today is "FIIIIIIIIIIIVE GOLDEN RINGS!!!!!"

**Warning** Enter at your own risk.

That's all I can say. I have been unbloggy, unemaily, relatively unsocial due to being trapped in my thoughts and such for the last few weeks. But the fog, IS LIFTING, and leaves me with the urge to share what I've been thinking about lo these last few weeks. But it's like watching a birth, it's gross and kinda nasty, but something good comes out of it. Should you choose to keep reading, thanks.

I do not deal well with the holidays. Some hairy combination of Thanksgiving, My Birthday, Christmas, and New Years, being alone (no spouse y'all), parents divorce, sometimes makes me crazy. Okay, so it's made me kinda crazy for a lotta years. Most of it is self-induced disappointment that I am not at the place in my life where I thought I would be and that I am somehow not the woman that I thought I would be.

I mean, surely by now, I expected to be a wife and mother.

And nary, I have not a pet.

But I have ridiculous allergies and really am not that crazy about animals anyway. Except for Panda Bears and we ALL know about their excessive presence in the South. Right.

Back to what I was thinking. Several weeks ago, I was running late for work and took pictures of the leaves changing color. It was truly spectacular, and was both literal and metaphoric for me. The season in my life was finally changing. The year that, for all purposes, has SUCKED, this year that I have spent grieving and healing, is finally, FINALLY coming to a close. And with it, my 20's are wrapping up. I don't want to spend the next twelve months of my life the way that I have spent the previous twelve months. And let me backtrack and say how blessed I have been to spend some of that time with family and good friends that I love, admire, and respect. But it's time for me to "get my head in the game", if you will.

So... here's to a new year, with new blessings, deeper relationships, greater truth, and more love.

"Don't just pretend that you love others. REALLY love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." Romans 12:9-10

Being friends with a boy can make you an alcoholic

Read here:

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/addiction/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100184658&gt1=10710

birthday

I wish I had the words to tell you how blessed I feel today. All I can do is smile, cry, and say Thank You.

Worth it...

Eight and a half years ago, I moved to Cleveland, Within two and a half months, I had met six of the seven people who became the most influential part of my time at Lee. At the beginning of the second semester, I met #7.

If I were to write down every memory that involved these people, I would not have the pages or the words. I believe, with all of my heart, that God divinely orchestrated all of us meeting each other, for both a time and season, as well as forever. That sounds really corny, but I don't care. For my graduation (I was first), I wanted all of us to get together, dressed up, and take a good picture. (See, I'm not as materialistic as you might think.) We had a fight while taking the picture, but it still turned out pretty good. Of the original eight, five are now married, and one has two kids.

I forgot how good it was to be around my friends, and how much I missed them. This weekend, Adam married Ashlee. It was a beautiful wedding that only reminded me that I want a wedding, not some "I do's" in front of a random minister on a Tuesday. I want a real, full-scale, hopefully-not-breaking-the-bank kind of wedding.

And I want all of my friends there too.

Pictures from this weekend (post to follow soon!)

TYGFTHT

Thank you God for the hard times.
Thank you for making me incapable of seeing what is in front of me.
Thank you for not always giving me what I ask for when I want it because You know I won't know exactly what to do with it.
Thank you for making things difficult so that I see that Your Grace really is sufficient.
Thank you for not answering all those tearful requests to let this boy and that boy be "The Boy".
Thank you for closing doors when I have no strength of my own to close them.
Thank you for not responding to my frustration and foolishness so that I can hear you in the quietness.
Thank you for making me wait.
Thank you for making patience a virtue, and a good thing.
Thank you for rough patches that cause me to grow.
Thank you for "sandpaper friends" who are divine instruments to rub away things that are displeasing in your sight.
Thank you for the thousands of words that articulate pain and suffering.
Thank you for tears that wash away those words I can't articulate.
Thank you for uncomfortable situations that make me lean on You.
Thank you for waking me in the night to show me that worrying is futile and that I must talk to You.
Thank you for the burdens.
Thank you for wrestling with me in the night.
Thank you for loving me enough that you fight for me.
Thank you for loving me more than I can comprehend that you sent your son to die for me.
Thank you for being so incomprehensible.

I know that few of us really sit down and thank God for the hard times, but we have to. And in retrospect, I am always thankful for those hard times, whatever they may be, because I see how God uses those situations to shape and mold me into who He wants me to be.

"He's still working on me... to make me what I ought to be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth, Jupiter and Mars. How loving and patient He must be! 'Cause He's still workin' on me."

Challenge 2!

Last year... I just adored Sunburned's 2006 CD! She sent me a copy in January or February, and it's so good! And ... it has left me thinking about every song I hear this year... so that I can compile my own 2007 Soundtrack of my Life.

My soundtrack is all over the place, musically speaking, but that should come as no surprise.

(I was surprised that either noone read my last blog, or y'all thought I was too fragile or crazy for comments.)

But... irregardless, I've had a blast compiling songs that describe my roller coaster year.

One of my favs this year is Over You, by Daughtry.
Here's a nibble of the chorus:
"Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!

And of course, there are some old school tracks that describe my year with precision.

What would be on your soundtrack???

Uh oh.. here goes.

I haven't blogged in almost a week, and frankly the last things I blogged were passing info and crap.

I feel some shame/worthlessness in that.

I am happy to write that my brother has a new job that he will start the first of 2008. Yay JM.

There are other, very deeply personal notes that I could add to that, but alas, they are 1) deep and 2) personal, and don't belong on the blog. If you get my drift.

I am not in the Christmas spirit. I have something that has been wrestling in my spirit and I haven't done it yet and I don't know how to approach this, but I know that if I don't do it -- it's sheer disobedience, and I don't want to let it get that far.

That probably makes no sense.

But, I'm not in the Christmas spirit yet.

Although, A Charlie Brown Christmas comes on TV tonight and I really love that movie.

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Twenty years ago next Thursday, my own personal Nagasaki came down and shattered alot of the naivety that I knew.

And I have spent the last two decades of my life trying to figure out how in the HELL to make sense of it all.

That's what I spent my weekend thinking about.

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I did color my hair this weekend... and I love it!

You're never too old...

to blog.

NEVAH too old Darling. NEVAH.

I found this blog nearly a year ago, and while it has hodge-podge moments, I'm uber impressed that a 108-year old woman even gets blogging. And does so regularly!

Go show Olive some love... and pray for her as her 87-year old son recently passed away.

http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/

I have avoided blogging because I believe I have nothing to write about.

They say that, if you will sit down to begin to write it will come.

I'm waiting.

In the mean time, Thanksgiving was nice -- for the most part. Flying is actually enjoyable for me now, so both flights were very nice. My Mom and I had time to talk on both flights, as well as nap a little, and since we're both silly and get excited, it was very special.

We got to go to the Big Balloon Blow-up and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and the NIT tournament. My family did some other stuff, but I did not go for reasons that I'm deliberately choosing not to blog about. 'Cause frankly, other than having to tell my friend Jenn why I didn't get to see her,... nobody should have to know.

My 29th birthday is coming up and along with that... hopefully some changes.

We'll see!

2007

#500 - Thankfulness

Of all the ways I could kick off my 500th post, I can't think of anything better than 50 things I'm thankful for this past year:

I'm tagging you all for this too...

1. God's unending mercy and unfathomable love
2. good friends
3. new hair color
4. a good mani/pedi
5. knowing that my husband is where God wants him to be... wherever that may be
6. David Caruso (y'all knew he would make the top 10, right?)
7. my MAH-velous family
8. my 4th Thanksgiving in NYC
9. All my FBC ladies...
10. Cherry-Vanilla Dr. Pepper
11. Home-cookin'
12. pierced ears
13. boldness
14. knowing that I deserve a man who loves me
15. a new bedspread
16. time with great friends in Columbus in August of this year
17. not having to plan another H.S. reunion (can I get an AMEN H?)
18. getting to see Sunburned twice this year already!
19. a wonderful promotion and raise
20. hugs
21. photos to capture every moment
22. having a chance to hang out with Mulier Sapien twice (I've got to call you!!!)
23. that Bitsy and H. are bloggin'!!!!!
24. setting up a facebook account and Anne Jackson finding me!
25. winning a key to win a car... even though it didn't work out
26. Retreats with my girls! (Aubs, Miran, & Aman)
27. personalized t-shirts
28. a balanced checking account
29. welcoming two of the cutest babies I know this year - Buddy Ro & Gracie! (and a day apart!!)
30. running across a scripture right when I need it!
31. spending New Year's at Creflo Dollar's church with my friend Michele
32. God healing my brother!
33. restored relationships
34. my FBC ladies opening their home to me ('cause I WAS a stranger to them not too long ago!)
35. admiring God's majesty in the colors of fall!
36. moments of divine revelation and comedy to remind us all of God's sovereignty
37. being able to reconnect with old friends from Lee through the online Alumni program
38. starting to figure out who I am and realizing I'm so much better than I thought!
39. going on a vacay with my best friend of 20 years and her family
40. being a woman of my word (I'm still working on that,... but I'm making progress)
41. being unafraid to blog
42. new pens
43. lunch with co-workers that I care deeply for and appreciate
44. standing up for myself... finally
45. Remembering that, although I am unable to control the storms of life, I know the Peace speaker who tells the winds and waves to "Be Still"
46. getting ready to turn 29
47. (wow... that's weird!)
48. God's grace and mercy -- which DEFINITELY deserve a second mention
49. comments from friends.
50. Thanks for reading and praying! I love ya'!!!

A post worth posting...

I have really been out of regular posting and I think it's starting to get to me!!

Friday night, a big group went and had yummy Japanese and then played Balderdash afterwards. If you have somehow managed to go the last decade without playing that game, you have missed out!

Saturday, I had the privilege to babysit "The Girls" (R. & G.) for my friend K. as she went to take the PRAXIS for health. We had such a good time. G. is only six months old so, really sleeping, pooping, and eating are a big day for her! Miss R. and I watched Little Eistein... and can I tell you that I really like that show?? We watched alot of stuff but that was, BY FAR, my favorite. I did watch Handy Manny and quickly realized that Wilmer Valderama was the voice of Manny. I still don't know how I feel about that...

When K. got back, we grabbed Jenkins (I believe this may be the real reason I don't move away from Cleveland), and then got K.'s birthday present. We spend the rest of the afternoon working on Heath BINGO cards, then had dinner with K.'s husband who went to the GA/KY game. His old basketball coach was there, so he was able to get on the field!! with the players as they were warming up. (NTBNPF would be beside herself... although I have a feeling she's been on that field before! :) )

Yesterday, we had church, a birthday lunch for a dear friend Becca at the Country Club, and then I got to see my friends Steph and Jami for coffee/hot chocolate. We had a blast.

The best part (and my latest and most favorite compliment), Jami has asked me to take her Christmas pictures. She just flattered me to pieces talking about what good pictures I take. So, I will have my first Christmas Photoshoot next week. I am super-duper-psyched!

I had a quasi-awkward conversation with a friend yesterday, and while I can't tell you everything, I feel like I may soon be recreating a scene from Fever Pitch. If I had access to YouTube at work, I would find the clip, so bear with me as I set it up...

Jimmy Fallon's character (Ben) realizes he's an idiot and goes to Drew Barrymore's character's (Lindsey) apartment to apologize for being a jerk...

*brief interlude while I look for more info online only to come up short*

okay... so long story short, Ben goes to Lindsey's apartment to apologize and be sympathetic and says this:

"This is winter guy. I already know that I like winter guy. It's summer guy that hurt me."

***

I guess I'm feeling like I can't deal with the summer/winter personalities of some people. You can love people, but you have to walk away sometimes. Kinda of like the Brownies/Girl Scout motto:

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."

It's just a season thing I guess.


Ohh... and P.S. my next post will be #500!!!!!!!!!

Because this is what the bloggy world does...

Please remember my dear sweet friend Bitsy this week.

Her very special, very precious Godmother went on to be with the Lord this morning.

I'm praying for you Bits... love ya'!!!

the building of the excitment

I am T-2 days until I board a plane headed to NYC for Thanksgiving.

I am so ridiculously excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This year will be a little bit different. We have tickets to the NIT tournament and we are (cross your fingers) supposed to go see the Rockettes!!!

I'm pumped.

And I'm hoping to squeeze in some time with Sunburned while I'm there too!

$$$

I'm going to look at new computers this weekend.

Pray, saints, Pray.

I hope you don't get carsick easily...

This morning, I wasn't feeling so hot, so I was late for work. But, as I've mentioned before, I have a GORGEOUS drive to work everyday. Today, unlike many others, I decided to take LOTS of pictures, and (Sunburned, you will be proud) a video!

The video doesn't really do it justice, but my intention was to only be a little late to work, not super-duper late.

If you listen closely to the video, you can hear me singing along with Kelly Clarkson. I realize she doesn't need my help, but harmony is not usually an unpleasant thing. Please remember that I'm sick and that's why it's off-key.

:)

uh duh...

Along with the exhaustion from being a little undertheweather this week, I have apparently lost my capacity to pluralize and properly punctuate ownership as well as speak in coherent sentences.

I swear I only took two sinus tablets just ONE time this week.

Gah!

Need... to... be...

• I had a moment where I realized I was giving New Guy a hard time, instead of it being just a one-sided issue.
• (See, I am tender.)
• Two of my favorite bands are the Goo Goo Dolls and the Foo Fighters.
• I realized this morning that that means I like Goo and Foo.
• (mwah ha ha ha ha!)
• I wear ENTIRELY too much black.
• I'm ready to meet my husband.
• Today works for me.
• I'm thinking that I'm not going to have a wedding, but instead have a killer reception!
• The other day, the word with looked very strange to me.
• Do words ever look weird to you?
• My hair... is doing something funky the last few days.

that's all.

Guarded

My weekend at home with my family revealed something more than I've taken the time to realize lately, and that is how guarded I have become.

I never, not even for a second, intended to put up walls with this force and this intensity, but I have managed to construct, apparently with great tenacity, deep walls around my heart and mind.

And just when I thought I was getting a breakthrough from blogging.

Sheesh.

The revelation is that I am...

really really silly. And I don't mean like kinda silly, I mean REALLY silly. I'm a total dork. I love to laugh and am very affectionate and tickly and touchy-feely (not the inappropriate touchy-feely I've been barking about all summer), but touch = affirmation/love for me, and I love to touch people. But I'm ridiculously silly. I probably shouldn't share this, but my brother and I are seemingly well-accomplished adults. We have great jobs, and good educations. But when we talk to each other on the phone, we have these voices that sound like four-year olds and we totally crack ourselves up. It's just great.

Y'all... that's my kind of silly.

But my point is that, it really wasn't until I was home this weekend after my ridiculously stressful week with New Guy that I realized how guarded I am. I have some serious walls. At dinner last night with friends, I was telling them of my realization because, while I think it should be obvious, the real obvious is that of them have noticed.

And I wonder what has perpetuated the walls... do I think that having a silly side distorts or discredits my serious side? Do I think people are judging me? Why do I care? Do I think in my warped head that having this deep silly prohibits me from doing my job? Why have I had this up for so long?

I don't know. I wish I had the answers to my own questions. I did realize that I let very few people see this side of me, and what makes me appreciate my BF Laura (0f 20 years) is that... she loves me most for the silly side, not this painful facade that I want everybody else to see. It is painful... you know? Being intense stresses me out.

All I know is that I don't wanna play this game anymore.

Home.

Quiet.

No drama.

No heart problems for JM.

No roomies threatening David Caruso.

Getting to watch Numb3rs on TV with my Mom.

Sleeping in until 11:00 am and having good dreams.

Getting to hang out in my pj's with my family.

Getting to laugh with my mom & brother.

Hugs.

Lots and lots of hugs.

Having someone else take my car to get an oil change... and them paying for it too!

Quiet.

********************************************

I am totally enjoying being home. Too bad I can only stay until Sunday.

Thank God It's Friday

'cause I seriously don't think I could stand four more days!!

My week has been... oh so eventful. Combined with new guy not showing up, still learning my job, and having to deal with some really dense people... I'm super thankful that this week is OVER!

I literally told New Guy not to miss close next month. I know he was sick. I get that, but my job, unlike alot of others, doesn't have that grace period, you know? I mean, in March 2006, we had a controller have a MASSIVE HEARTATTACK in the parking lot. We didn't miss a beat y'all. That's just the nature of what I do.

On Monday night, my roomie and I were watching TV and we saw the previews for October Road. We love that show. It's coming back on the Monday after Thanksgiving at 10:00. The roomie jokingly looks at me and says, "you know what that means, right? We're going to have to stop recording CSI: Miami!!!" (And then she laughed hysterically.)

NOT IF SHE WANTS ME TO KEEP PAYING HALF THE CABLE BILL, WE WON'T.

She quickly realized that I neither thought her joke was funny NOR appropriate.

First New Guy, then the threat of losing David, ... you can imagine why my week progressed so poorly!!

On the upside... bible study was really good last night. I'm still on the fence about Jennifer Rothschild, but last night's message was on the money. We stand around in the dark looking for light while Jesus is our light!!! (That's a ridiculously short paraphrase, but I think you get the gest!)

And... for those of you who missed it... I have a NASTY virus on my computer and it is down for the count. I will probably purchase a new PC (not a laptop) after Thanksgiving! So, if I don't blog or respond, please give me some time. Also, I have nowhere to check my myspace or hotmail account. If you need me, email my gmail account.

Much love to y'all and hope that I can return to normal blogging next week...
Love,
Jenn

Burned up!

I'm going to not talk about Homecoming weekend because ... I wouldn't know where to start.

But I will talk about the fact that Month-End Close started yesterday and New Guy is OUT TODAY.

I am BEYOND AGGRAVATED.

Riddle me this...

(I borrowed this from ASBO because it's SO true)

I am one body made up of many,
I am saved yet I enslave,
I have wealth beyond measure,
Yes I still store up treasure,
I am thoughtful and kind,
I am hopelessly blind,
I am right and wrong,
light and dark,
sinner and saint,
I am good and bad news,
I am fearless and bold,
I am new, I am old,
I am stuck in my ways,
Love all men (but not gays)
I am built on a rock,
both a rabble and flock,
I'm in love with my Savior,
despite my behavior.

Who I am?

The Church

I have...

been doing alot of observing the last few weeks. Noticing the way things change, and others stay the same. Trying to figure out commonalities. Trying to notice stuff.

Okay... you know, that's a bunch of crap. I notice stuff all the time. I am observant. I think that, following a conversation I had this week with a friend that I don't always do the best job of explaining to people what I observe. There's more to that story, but it's somebody else's personal story, so the buck is stoppin' here.

I feel like I'm turning into this cynical 40-year-old Old Maid who chain smokes. I've been SOOOOO blunt with people lately, it's ridiculous. For example, I have a guy friend that I adore. He's handsome, but (strangely enough) I don't have a crush on him. He calls all the time, and we usually have a scheduled dinner once a week. So, during our weekly, I asked him more questions about the women he's interested in. So, he courteously divulged. And then I asked:

"How come, you spend significant time with female friends who are nothing like the woman you are looking for?"

Because to me that's using someone as a time filler until something better comes along. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that, but I've been burned too many times by guys who do that. Reading Sunburned's post today, (to me), only reiterates my point. If you spend time with me, You invest in me. There's no getting around that. So, instead of spending alot of time with me, split your time up.

Does that make sense?



This weekend is homecoming for my Alma Mater. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, and altogether one big internal bundle of nerves. A friend that was supposed to come down won't be because of illness. I will miss you!

Let's Play Dress Up!

Last night, my circle of friends had a Halloween Party. I'm not really creative when it comes to solo costume choices, so Saturday morning, I drove to Red Bank to Beauty & The Beast Costume Shop. (If you are ever, and I mean EVER, in need of a costume, they are the place to go! I rented a bear suit from there two years ago, and I still have pictures from it.) Well, although it had not be actually said, this was one of those Halloween parties where you just knew that Ghosts, Goblins, Witches, and devils weren't acceptable attire. So, being limited to not have to wear something with a head (i.e. The Bear Suit), or something devilish in nature, I resorted to funny costumes.

Oh, but I was reduced by size as well, dontcha know.

'Cause they don't manufacture alot of costumes above a size 12.

(Next time one of you size 12 or below is griping about not having something to wear, do not be surprised if an unsympathetic bear shows up on your door. Consider yourself WARNED.)

Back to the topic... I tried on a flapper costume that was sadly, too sheer, and the saleslady proceeded to compliment me on my matching underwear to the entire floor ('Cause you know, EVERYONE needed to know that I had on matching underwear(!)). Then I tried on a habit, as in, AHEM, a Nun, but I just look weird. I mean, I'm kinda prude sometimes, but not Nun-material if you know what I mean. I really like the Wilma Flintstone costume, but it was too tight, and I couldn't see myself dressing up as Dolly Parton and being able to have any shred of dignity. So, I settled on a French Maid costume.

I can try on things in a dressing room and love them, but then, when I HAVE to put them on, I have totally shopper's anxiety and moments where I realize I have the worst taste ever. And I did last night.

Plus, the whole being a 'Big Girl' Thing didn't help either. I felt like a FAT French Maid. But then I had an epiphany!

My friends, God Love them, ask me some of the most random questions ever. I know alot of random stuff -- I can't help that -- and my friends know it and use it. I am affectionately called "411". So last night, after I decided I looked like a cow in Black taffeta and Crinlen, I thought I'd be funny. So I taped a bunch of "Answers" to my apron, and wore a nametag, and went as 411 dressed up as a French Maid. Ironically enough, very few people got it, but didn't ask alot of questions. :)

But ... HANDS DOWN... the best costumes of the night went to my friends M. & L. who dressed up as Dog & Beth Chapman. They were AWESOME. ALOOOOOOOOOOOO-HA.

Here are the group shots:

The Defender and Protector

I spent the night at Bitsy's house on Thursday. Her grandson did the cutest thing. (She told this story way better than I, with lisp and accent correct.) Her youngest grandson, R., wanted to make sure that I was safe when I took a bath, so he put Darth Mal, a Ninja Turtle, and a Power Ranger in there so that I would be safe, and put up some duckies so that I wouldn't fall.

I would totally ask him to be my boyfriend if he weren't 5 years old.

Isn't that the sweetest thing???

Brace yourselves...

Lots to recap in the last few days:

Thursday night -- Bible study in d-town, and I stayed with one of the Ladies, PTL. It saved me $10 in gas (might not seem like a lot but I spend $80 a week so,... it was a blessing!), and about 100 miles on my car. Serious serious PTL.

One of her grandsons did the SWEETEST thing for me... I'll post that later. I even took pictures. :)

Friday night -- I was wiped out. I actually went to be at 9:30. Another PTL. :)

Saturday -- Saturday's are fun for me. I have a ritual of breakfast, followed by a quick trip to my storage unit. Since my mother came up last week and I no longer have a storage unit, I took a trip to Chatt, Wal-mart, and Hobby Lobby. I did not get back home until after 2:00.

I did buy a lovely bed ensemble that I will try to take pics of tonight.

Sunday -- found out I have the TROJAN virus on my computer (I didn't even know that virus was still around), had to wipe my computer out (may have lost six years worth of pictures... :( ...) and had a Halloween party last night.

WHEW.

Eventful yes.

I'm going to try to post individual blogs for all the stuff that happened so that it all makes sense. But before I do... here's why my post is mean.

~ then I was going to write this really NASTY post on people living in America for more than 5 years and not learning the language, and just decided that I'll save it for another day.

Various and unsundries... Part Cinco

I actually started this post yesterday, and got distracted so I made the executive decision to scrap it and start all over.

First off... can I just say Thank you Lord for the rain? We need it desperately. I got an email this morning asking for people to pray for a daily rain in the evenings, so that people who work in construction can still complete their jobs without interference. So Pray!

I got my hair "done" yesterday, and ... I don't like it, which is no big surprise to ANYONE. I called my mom afterwards and she said, "Jenn, do you ever like your hair?".

So NOTED.

I get to stay in D-town tonight and *hopefully* get to work early so that I can leave early. That's kind of a selfish reason, but... it's my reason.

***

I started to write about my dentist and then I realized who crucially BORING THIS POST IS. Oh well.

Training the new guy is wearing me out. HE is wearing me out.

Other than that... everything else is good. :)

Letters to...

**I had originally hidden this post, but after an email, thought it best to re-post them. **

He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.” Daniel 2:22 (NIV)

I have been thinking about blogging for a few days now, with thoughts and thoughts running through my head. I'm not entirely sure that I have everything that I want to say, but I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be, you know? Thursday night at Bible Study, the speaker (Jennifer Rothschild) spoke about familiarity versus intimacy, and how familiarity can creep up and steal intimacy, and that we don't realize it until we are FAR gone.

I have allowed things in my life in the past few months to escape true intimacy -- that is, intimacy in friendships -- and be overtaken by familiarity. The speaker correlated hers to her marriage, but as soon as she said it, I immediately thought about some of the friendships in my life. The last year of my life has been both a whirlwind and a snail's pace. I feel like I've said it a thousand times, but I can't help but see how much my life has changed in the last year.

Now, I want to close the windows for familiarity and open the doors for intimacy. Real, geniune, honest, heartfelt intimacy. Ugly and yet beautiful.

Almost a year ago, Chase walked out of my life. I was devastated (nowhere near how I was with Bradley, but close), and took it really hard. It's hard to try and understand why people don't love you back. And, it was not easy to get over someone that you put such a high, intangible value on, whether or not they did the same. So, here's intimacy:

Dear Chase,

Thank you for walking out of my life almost a year ago. For the first time, I now see, with clarity, that you had to be the strong one, because all my resistance had failed. I was weak. I was running out of reasons to say no. Also, thank you for doing all of it -- walking away, getting engaged, and getting married -- thank you for doing it quickly. Kind of like ripping a band-aid off the skin with one swoop. You kept my hurt to a minimum (although that was nowhere in your intention). I realized this weekend that I don't hate you. Thank you for being selfish and not loving me back. Thank you for not being the man of integrity that I was looking for. Thank you for showing me that in order to deserve more, I have to seek more, I have to set higher standards and expectations. Thank you for making me feel worthless so that now I know how priceless I really am.

I wish you well.

Jenn

(and...)

Dear Randy,

There is no way you will ever read this letter. Over two months ago, you took your own life. In doing so, you forced me, with wide-eyes, to examine my own. You made me painfully aware of some areas in my life where I was not paying attention. While I still cannot fully understand why you took your life, I see how God has used that to remind me daily how precious my life is. I only wish you could have seen while you were alive that you were loved so deeply, by your friends and family. While I can't but think you were selfish in death, I hope you had a second to make your peace with God Almighty. I hope you had a moment to ask for forgiveness, and I hope to see you in Heaven one day. But regardless, I want you to know that you did not die in vain.

Love,
Jenn

These are just two. There are more. But for now, these will do.

MUST READ!!!!

I was reading my blogroll today (not really, I was browsing), and ran across this website:

The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus

Y'ALL HAVE TO GO HERE!!! Some of his cartoons... RIGHT ON THE MONEY. Leave him a comment too, and share the love!



(And here's a sample)

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE

Sometimes, I get tickled at why I do things.

Case in point: Yesterday, I had to box up several things for work. We order boxes in 10-packs with this plastic strip around it.

After I cut it initially, I cut it into small pieces.

And thought to myself, "Self, WHY do you do that?"

Then, I cracked up laughing.

Having grown up in the 80's, and I mean, in the midst of the entire Nancy Reagan "JUST SAY NO" program, as well as the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" campaign, I realized I was cutting those plastic strips up, just as I do the plastic rings off a six-pack (OF COCA-COLA, Y'ALL), so that...

(big finish here)

Should any of my trash get dumped in the ocean, no sea life will die with my plastic strips or coke rings on it's neck.

And thus, I was transported back to a time when we had more than one recycle option in my house (paper, clear plastic, green plastic, newspaper, cardboard, aluminum, you get the point), and it made me very happy.

And it means I'm saving the Planet and I really DO want world peace.

Dreams

So, the last few nights, I have had the most bizarre dreams. I dream alot anyway, and I typically dream about people who have been on my mind, or in my presence. (I also dream in vivid color with understood concepts. My psyche is quite a thing, huh?) But, back to the point. This week -- my dreams are not lining up normally. I have dreamed:

- that my step-brother passed away
- that somebody sent me a check for $400.00 (I choose to believe this one was PROPHETIC!)
- that I was married to Aaron, a season 1 contestant from The Biggest Loser
- that I was hanging out with Morgan M., a girl I used to work with at LC

WHA WHAT?

I have no idea.

Have you had any crazy dreams lately?

NTBNPF

I have a never-to-be-named-publicly-friend, and it has become a regular occurence to now shorten that to NTBNPF.

This totally makes me think of NKOTB.

Whether it's Step by Step, Keep Hangin' Tough... NTBNPF, I think You've got the Right Stuff!

:)

...boring...

Today, I am kind of boring. I am thinking of course, but over stupid stuff.

On the way into work, I was thinking about my Alma Mater's homecoming. It's three weeks away. Some of my most favorite people in the world will not only be in town, but will also be staying at my house. We always have a ton of fun.

And then I realize that, I'm going to see people I don't like. People who make me uncomfortable. I am pretty confident most of the time, but these people illuminate, with great intensity, all of my insecurities. They make me feel inadequate. They make me feel small. (Too bad that can't happen stature or weight wise, huh?)

And then I am at the point where I am confused as to why or how I ever gave these people the capacity to make me feel less than? When did I do this? WHY did I do this? What is so special/wonderful/important about these people that I should feel like this? And I am confused.

For homecoming, I'll put on my game face. The one that says, "I'm doing great; how are you?". Which, I am doing great. And I geniunely care how the other people are.

Oi, this is too much for early Monday morning.

Ugh.

And so...

I have been relatively silent this week. As I mentioned, I have been really, and I mean really busy. I've also been in one of those funks where I read blogs, and then start to judge myself compared to others and it's a vicious downward spiral where you can't get out and you think you shouldn't blog anymore because you don't have kids or a husband or something political to talk about or some such nonsense as that or jealous that I don't have a whole bunch of comments thus reminding me that I am boring.

(Breathe)

And then I have to remind myself that this is not why I blog anyway. I don't blog in the hopes of snagging a husband or having the second immaculate conception. It just ain't happening. I blog 'cause it's me, and I like it, and I need some sort of avenue to express/vent/all-that-jazz and this is it. So, I've had to recollect my thoughts, and so... here I am.

Seemingly unblogworthy and all. But, for the moment, I don't care.

On top of that fact that I have been unbloggy this week, I have also been Crabby Patty, getting annoyed with everything and sort of snapping at the hinges. You can imagine how NOT-SO-FLATTERING that is. I don't know why I have had such a snotty attitude. And it's not why you think. As Carlene from Designing Women would say, "My cousin is NOT visiting this week". I can only assuming I am spontaneously turning mean.

Maybe I can Calgon that away? Pray, Saints, Pray.

I have had a lot to think about while training this new guy and all. Teaching someone what you do gives you perspective to see where any inefficiences are, or where something really great is. I've been stretched emotionally because, whether or not he is judging me, (as I am having a hard time not making some assumptions about him), it's requiring me to constantly remember that, we don't get paid to judge. We get paid to do.

Anywhoodle. I had a lot more in my head that I wanted to share, but right now... I can't remember what it was anyway.

Pooped.

To tell you that I am exhausted and frazzled is a gross understatment.

They finally hired somebody for my old job at work and I have the privilege to train him.

Y'all may want to get on your face before Jehovah Jireh for the poor man with me training him and intercede on his behalf.

He might need it.

This is the first time I've ever trained somebody and I wasn't leaving.

It is an exceptionally awkward feeling.

And I feel like he's judging me.

Turns out, he was a controller on his last job, and now here he is, at the bottom of the proverbial totem pole below me.

Yep, very very awkward.

And tiring. My head hurts and my feet do to from doing so much walking.

Wordless Monday

Never Crossed my mind

For several months I have been praying for something. It is tonight, in the weirdest way, that I realize God is allowing me to see the "ugly" in something because it is not for me, in spite of how I've been praying.

I can't figure out, or discern, if you will, if this is a timing/season thing, or a permanent this-is-not-for-Jennifer-Ever thing.

And in the midst of it, I find it hard NOT to be hurt. Not to be frustrated, angry, upset, and disappointed. And not in a way that I am blaming God, but definitely frustrated with myself for not listening to my intuition a few months ago..

:(

God - 1 (well... billion in reality)
Jennifer - 0 Still.

Tagged

I got tagged to do a Meme (is that even right?) from Really? Wow!.

4 jobs I’ve held

• courtesy clerk at Kroger
• aerobics instructor/personal trainer/gymnastics assist instructor - Valley Aerobic & Fitness (No laughing on that one please!)
• parelegal - for my aunt's law office
• accountant (doesn't it seem like my jobs got progressively more boring?)

4 films I could watch over and over

• Never Been Kissed
• The Cutting Edge
• Pride & Prejudice
• Gone With The Wind

4 TV Shows I watch

• CSI: Miami (I know that's a shocker!)
• The Biggest Loser
• Numb3rs
• Grey's Anatomy

4 favorite foods

• Chicken Parmigiana
• Roast & Potatoes
• Rice (soy sauce please)
• Fried chicken from my mama

4 websites I visit every day

• Gothamist
• Bank of America
• Sunburned/Really? Wow!/Noefool/Mulier Sapien/Mommysaywhat?/Baby Bangs (Yes, I AM your blog-stalker, y'all.)
• Myspace/facebook/LeeUniversity Affinity circle

4 favorite colors

• Black
• Green
• Red
• Navy

4 names I can't believe people actually named their kids

• Gertrude
• Myrtle
• Sunshine (My mom's pastor's daughter's name)
• Moon (think Zappa kids)

I tag: Mommy Say What?, Sunburned, Mulier Sapien, Noefool, HiddenBackDoor, my Never-to-be-named-publicly Friend, and Bitsy. :D

Solicitation

Please remember my family in your prayers today. I can't go into details, but any requests thrown even towards the throneroom are appreciated!

Love,
Jenn

Time to buy some new Drawers....

I swiped this photo from Baby Bangs because I thought it was hysterical.

But,... it's so true!

Spiritually, it's time for us (women) to put on our big girl panties and starting dealing with some stuff.

rant

**This is a warning... I need to rant, so if you don't like what I have to say... stop now.**

I got an email from a favorite friend this morning with linked information about a book by Jake Colson titled "So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore". And I just sort of snapped.

I have a huge problem with "Christians" who are anti-organization. And I'm sick of it. THE Church has changed so drastically in the last ten years, that for many people it's unrecognizable. I get that. Churches come with so many descriptions. So noted. Church staff is falling apart faster than it can be put together. Again,... noted. Pastors are having affairs, falling prey to pornography, homosexuality, Egocentricism, totalitarianism, and a pleothora of other things.

And it makes people not want to go to church.

I get that.

But do not preach your "I-DON'T-GO-TO-CHURCH-BECAUSE-I-DON'T-BELIEVE-IN-ORGANIZED-RELIGION-OR-BECAUSE-THE-PASTORAL-STAFF-BETRAYED-ME-OR-BECAUSE-THE-MUSIC-WAS-TOO-LOUD-TOO-SOFT-TOO-FAST-TOO-SLOW-NOT-MY-AGE-GROUP-NOT-FANCY-ENOUGH-NOT-CASUAL-ENOUGH-NOT-MEETING-"MY-NEEDS"-ENOUGH" when you refuse to do anything for the Kingdom of God.

Sitting at home watching the game, the race, the movie, the show -- Not cutting the Mustard anymore.

The Kingdom, The Harvest -- is at your feet. How much closer does God need to put it? That homeless person you drove by and presumed that they were just pan-handling -- FACE OF JESUS. That co-worker that gets on your nerves sharing about her family problems -- FACE OF JESUS. That teenager who spends too much time on the internet -- FACE OF JESUS. That lady at the fast-food place -- FACE OF JESUS. That pastor that you don't think has it ALL together -- FACE OF JESUS.

Get off of your butt and show the rest of us what being "un-churched" is really like and I might actually agree with you. Feed the homeless. Clothe the naked. Befriend the friendless. Love the drug addicts. Show compassion. Reach out to where people are. DO SOMETHING. Stop belly-aching about why things are the way YOU think they ought to be and make a difference.

THAT IS THE GREAT COMMISSION.

Divine Lack of inspiration

Last night, on my favorite tv show EVER, one of the most fitting lines was ever said:

(referring to my beloved David Caruso)

"Lieutenant, I'm just a blogger."

I seriously cracked up sitting on the couch.

'Cause y'all... I'm just a blogger.

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In other news, I'm trying not to turn back into a TV junkie, but seriously, it's getting harder. Tonight is Biggest Loser, and the results show for Dancing With The Stars. I think the Cheetah girl and her partner are falling for each other. Next week's routine may involve more kissing. If I see tongue, I'm gonna have to stop watching that show.

And... if y'all don't watch Numb3rs, you are a L-O-S-E-R. Mathemeticians are SEXY.

------------------------------------------------------------

I've had discovered alot of acquaintances/friends who blog. This makes me happy.

I'm very happy that Really? WOW! has begun blogging publicly again. You should stop by her blogville, get some Yo Gabba Gabba up in you, and leave comment love.

(That makes me sound country-ghetto, doesn't it?)

------------------------------------------------------------

As far as bloggin' goes, I think the hardest part for me was finding "My voice". If you've been reading along with me for more than... two days... you might think I'm still struggling with that too. I probably am, but I definitely have a better grip now than before. I've had to build some ground rules of my own, and while I have a regular compulsion to break them, :) I realize that I put them in place for good reason.

Like, writing about all of my crushes.
Or mentioning many many boys by name.
Which would get me in LOADS O' Trouble.

Love,
Jenn

Post Secret

In 8 days, the new Post Secret book comes out.

A lifetime of Secrets by Frank Warren

To express my excitement is an understatement.
I had the privilege back in January to go see/meet Frank Warren. I even called Sunburned right before I did because, if I remember correctly, she had seen him days before.

As I sit here to type this, I have to confess the realizations about PostSecret for me. Having those secrets out has been a revelation in my life.

There are secrets that are good to let out sometimes. There are secrets that are easier to forget than deal with the consequences. How we deal with our secrets is the litmus test for our character.

And it probably sounds ludicrous that I should be so passionate about four books jam-packed with others people secrets, or my fascination with a weekly update of 20 new secrets, but what PostSecret did for me was make me deal with my own secrets.

I have one secret that I've carried for 17 years.
But, I've let all the others out.
I even sent Frank a few and gave him two in person.
Writing those secrets out wasn't hard, giving them to him was very difficult.

But, it mirrors my faith. We have to give our lives, our junk, our Faith, our Trust, over to God. He deals with the secrets then. And, for those secrets that are confessions, He promises to forgive them and throw them away, never to be remembered again. For secrets that have impact, God has given us a Deliverer in Jesus to break the bonds of our sin.

I challenge you to read PostSecret. You will be offended. You might get physically ill from what you read. Your heart may be filled with love or compassion for others. But this is no different from how God Almighty feels about us. You might not think you bring something that offensive to God, but our sin makes us the most filthy, the most unrighteous, the most putrid thing ever. But, when we give them to God, He makes us new.

Evidence of my weekend...

Signs of old age...

When Roller Skating and a game of Whiffle Ball prevents you from moving as adeftly as you did the day before.

Seriously, I'm so sore I don't know what to do. My body is so In Shock! I went to bed at 10:00 last night, the earliest that I've gone to bed in SEVERAL weeks, and I didn't wake up until 7:40. It's gonna be a long day.

Thursday was a dear friend's birthday, and on Friday, she wanted to go roller skating. I seriously used to love to skate. My brother and I even went to an after-school program at a skating rink. I finally got to throw away my skates a few months ago! My mom was apparently wanting to keep them for posterity. Who knows! Anywhoo... we went skating on Friday. I haven't been skating in a few years and honestly believed that I would be fine. I didn't fall, but I did discover a cardinal rule of physics:

If your TOP is heavier than your BOTTOM, and you lean backwards, the propensity to fall on your butt in front of a large group of middle schoolers will go up 300%.

Again, I didn't fall, but only because I exercised another cardinal rule of physics:

When your TOP is heavier than your BOTTOM, LEAN FORWARD.

It was the only way to avert disaster... er... embarassment.

But, I loved skating! I do think that, when I am a parent, I will NEVER drop my kids off at a skating rink at leave. EVER. Oh! and it cost us $8.00 to get in, and another $1.00 to rent skates. That is NOT inflation. That is just plain Highway Robbery.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, I got my hair cut. If you know me at all, you know how much I was dreading this. She cut off three inches, which, in the grand scheme is not alot, but it was too much for me. God-willing, it will grow back quickly.

Saturday night, I went to dinner with one of my guy friends and some of his buddies from high school. We had a really nice time. In the parking lot, my friend and I were talking and he said something that threw my brain into overdrive. I'm sure he meant it as a very nice and innocent compliment, but it was a combo of what he said, how he said it, and body language, and it was almost too much for me not to add too. You know? Y'all, please pray that my brain does not get ahead of me, k?

Right after this happened, a very sweet, and funny, and unnamable friend of mine called to tell me that, in regards to my Birds and Bees post, that she heard Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" and thought of me. I'm still laughing about that one!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday, we had Pastor Apppreciation Day, then a bunch of us went to lunch. Lunch was fun, and although my actual lunch was terrible and only succumbed to ONE BITE, I did order some fried pickles and ate the entire order by myself. Without shame. Thank God for Deep Fried Goodness.

If only I'd had a Fry Daddy, batter, and some chilled oreos.... I could have had dessert!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Following lunch, some of us went to play whiffle ball. In spite of my misery today, it was seriously a blast. I don't think I've been that active, or realized how OUT OF SHAPE I was, in a really long time.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I did want to pass along BooMama's son's scripture verse, because it's Good Stuff:

"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; He does great things beyond our understanding."
Job 37:5

God does... doesn't he? I'm glad that one of God's greatest gifts to us is His Grace. Because the sufficiency of that Grace is truly beyond our understanding.

Love,
Jenn

Good Word...

(for my NEVER-TO-BE-NAMED PUBLICLY-FRIEND, you know who you are, ... I seriously miss seeing you on Thursday nights.)

Last night was the official last night of our bible study with Priscilla Schirer. I have thoroughly enjoyed doing this study. I've had to miss two weeks, which distresses me a little since it was only a six week study, but the four I've gotten -- GOOD WORDS, y'all. Last night, we wound up having an extended prayer requests time that, as our faithful facilitator said, we needed. And then after that, and after going over homework (which was great too), we jumped head first into the DVD. And something Priscilla mentioned just tore me up. She talked about putting God in a box, and while I admit that all I really caught was the mention, right there, in the middle of the youth room, God got me about something.

How many Potential Husbands have I put before God in boxes, and then gotten frustrated when God didn't answer?

WOOOOOOOHH!!!!!

I actually teared up but I don't think anyone saw me. And then she talked about pride. That's right... stomped right on the already bruised toes. Right there in the middle of the Baptist Church.

Y'all know that gets us pentacostals, dontcha?!?!?

I actually wrote down a lot of things last night, including her actual topic and her scripture reference of II Kings 5, talking about Namaan, his leprosy, his pride and arrogance that the Prophet didn't come in the pomp and circumstance that he expected, and the blessing/healing that he almost missed out on. Namaan thought. I can't name the times that my downfall has been my thinking. We've got to do. I've got to do. Go!

And then on the ride home, I got busted about some more stuff that, right now, is too personal to share. But,... it was good too. None of us like disciple, including me, but I love that God's discipline, although difficult to take at times, comes with rewards that exceed what we can get. I need God to disciple, shape, mold, re-shape, break, re-mold, and constantly correct what my humanity is trying to fight. We all do.

And really, as I write this, I know in my heart that I had so much more to share, but because I don't have a little stenographer at my whimsy, y'all are stuck with that I can remember.

Last but not least, I broke out my Aaron Jeffreys CD and "He Is" and shouted all the way home. Good stuff.

The Birds and the Bees.

It's 12:34 a.m. and I should be in bed.

But, it's time for one of those ridiculously, deeply personal blogs. Stuff that weighs on my mind, you know? I appreciate your comments, and feedback, and am even going to open comments without moderation, because this subject is that deep for me.

My friend Royce posted a few days ago about sexual frustration, as a Christian woman. Her post was brilliant and funny and candid. And, even though I now realize that I have failed to comment, her thoughts stand true for me too.

Tonight, I had the privilege to really "get to know" another friend of mine and hear their struggles and who they really think they are. It was revealing because I had mistakenly made assumptions about this person.

(See Sunburned, when I assume, I do make an ass out of me!) :D

But, ... back to the topic at hand. I know I've already had one bullet post today, but another can't hurt, you know?

So, for your reading pleasure, my thoughts.

• Sometimes, it's frustrating to be a Christian woman.
• I am still a virgin.
• That's something that NOW I am incredibly proud of.
• Ten years ago, I would have handed it out to the first taker.
• God Grace is Sufficient, YO.
• I have never been drunk a day in my life.
• I've never even been close.
• I am not ashamed of that.
• I've never smoked.
• I've never done drugs.
• When I come in close proximity to drugs... it freaks me out.
• Literally, I get paranoid, and I am NOT on drugs.
• I don't like being around alcohol.
• I had a drink with a few girlfriends a few months ago and it made me feel AWFUL.
• (Like I'm that girl that always gives in to peer pressure.)
• It makes people stupid.
• My roommate is Italian, and my house is full of wine.
• Wine is NASTY to me.
• I mean, if you have to have a flavor wheel that includes Dirt, Mold, and Mud, that should be a clue, really.
• To say I am sexually frustrated at this point is a gross understatement.
• But, I am not consumed with those thoughts.
• Thank God!
• However, this is the driving force behind my desire to get married at least a few days before my actual wedding.
• That will be a glorious day, y'all.
• I just don't want to pay thousands of dollars for a honeymoon to stare at a ceiling.
• Yes, I just typed that.
• I don't understand people who can cheat.
• I don't understand how or why people would want to be in more than one relationship at a time.
• I lose my keys in the bottom of my purse,... can you imagine what I would do if I had to bounce between more than one man?
• Lately, I get hit on while I'm driving.
• This only perpetuates my insecurity about my height and weight.
• But, at least I look hot driving a Buick!!!!
• I was 21 before I had my first kiss.
• It was one of the most incredible moments of my life.
• I actually remember feeling like I was floating into my house.
• I was so embarassed to tell my mom.
• I hate when people refer to someone as their "boyfriend".
• I'm totally stealing Royce's term Paramour
• It sounds lovely, and less 8th grade.
• I've kissed only four frogs in my lifetime.
• I could have avoided the last one if I'd used my brain.

I will say this... few people, almost none of my female friends understand what my life is like. It is very frustrating. There are days when you feel like you are floating around in a pond by yourself. The Virgin, Never-Been Drunk, Never-Done-Drugs-or-smoked, Pond.

And, then I remember that I am not alone. God carved out this plan for my life, and while I definitely get frustrated with His timing (instead of Him operating in mine), I am so thankful that He didn't answer my prayers. Only God knows where I would be. I am thankful that, when I do get married, I have a real gift to give. And, I'm thankful that I've had these years to enjoy life from a different perspective.

Be careful not to lose perspective. The grass is NOT greener on the other side. The fence always makes it look different. I know that, and have to pray it regularly.

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice. In the morning I lay my requests before you wait in expectation." Psalm 5:3

Reason #4,752 why I love Beth Moore

I don't blogroll like some others do because I'm not that savvy... (J & C) ((I just realized those are my initials... ha ha), but I do take great pride in reading through my blog list.

I love Beth Moore. If I haven't reiterated that lately, let me do so now. BETH MOORE IS TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL.

And, (as though she needed an added bonus), she knows how to share a word too.

Go read God for Real Life, and shout while you're putting out the trash. Or taking out your contacts. Or working. Or Living.

Various and unsundries... Part Quatro

(I love that my computer has auto-text memory and that I don't have to look back to to see what # V&S this post it.)

• CSI:Miami Season 6 premiered last night to squeals and cheers at my house. It was all me, but I'm totally secure and okay with that.
• It appears that Horatio has a sixteen-year old son... very interesting twist!
• How I met your Mother included the phrase "Tramp Stamp", also referring to it as the equivalent of a Panama City License plate.
• I think I actually hooted when I heard that.
• I wish it were not 90 degrees in September.
• But, at least it's beautiful outside, even if I do sweat a little bit.
• Biggest Loser is on TV tonight... set your DVR's or TiVo's :)
• I think I'm going to need an intervention to break free of my love for all things Dr. Pepper. I've been guzzling those things down like crazy lately.
• But... I am not eating out for lunch anymore, and have saved $85.00 in a week.
• That is a lot of money!!!
• Plus, I'm integrating portion-control AND weight watchers.
• And my Lactose pill is definitely helping my digestion.
• None of you really cared or needed to know that last thing, huh?
• My aunt informed me that she TOO knew about my intolerance.
• :(
• I've got to get a hair cut... SOON.
• My hair looks Ratty!
• I'm going to an 80's birthday party next weekend.
• I think I have found a set of "fake" braces that will go fabulously with my faux-permed hair, blue eyeshadow, ankle warmers, and big bangs.
• Or, I may go as 80's punk. I'm torn.
• We have a baby shower at work tomorrow.
• I'm very excited.
• I went to a 1st birthday party this weekend and acted as Olan Mills taking pictures like crazy.
• But some of the pictures came out ridiculously cute!!!!! (See below)

Okay... I'm outtie.

What's going on...

I have been itching to do a "what was I doing a year ago" recap really bad, but -- thanks to some inner turmoil about what to write -- I still haven't done so. Again tonight, I had the same hankering to blog, and I have apprehension about what to write and what not to write.

Aaah, but there is so much.

So, instead, I'm going to do a PRAISE POST. I wish I had the talent to do some swanky buttons, but y'all will have to be satisfied in just reading it without bells, whistles, or fancy-schmancy html and cute fonts.

Jesus knows my html-challenged heart.

Oh, but Church, He gets the Praise, ... you know?

A year ago, I had wrestled with some personal junk.
He set me Free.

A year ago, I was giving my heart to the wrong person.
God's perfect will never fails, and through my stubbornness, I've can't shout or praise enough for God NOT answering those prayers.

A year ago, I was struggling with WHERE I belonged.
Besides being in the loving arms of the Almighty, I am thankful that God has shown me that THIS, Even Cleveland, is exactly where I need to be.

God is Good, ALL the TIME.

Link Love and the like...

Tonight, a college friend posted the address to his blog and my heart was OVER!JOYED! to see friends blogging and not doing so on myspace! Go visit him... you'll be blessed!

http://joshuaklane.blogspot.com/

Then... in reading his links, I discovered another one -- that is, the husband of my little sister in DZT. Visit him too!

http://www.northsm.com/jeremysblog

...

I had lofty goals of writing something poignant and relevant long before now. But... my practicing (of my preaching) got in the way, so thank you for not emailing me as to why I haven't blogged in a few days.

I mean... it's kinda high-time that I make sure I practice what I preach you know?

My weekend was fun, and eventful! I went to WP this weekend, got to see Laura, went to Mr. Jude's first Birthday party, and cleaned cleaned cleaned!!!! It was truly busy!!

So... poignant is out the door. Relevant is relative.

I'm glad to be back in TN.

Love,
Jenn

Stop Paying for Storage!!!!!!

This weekend, during all the cleaning that was going on, I had a lot of time to reflect on "stuff", and how we accumulate it, store it, value it, hold on to it long after any worth is gone, attempt to sell it or guilt others into taking it based on the value we attribute to it, and then, buy more stuff.

And I was horribly, horribly ashamed.

We get so wrapped up in stuff -- people, places, and things -- that we constantly lose sight of what's going on. As Christians, we constantly hear different analogies that are saying essentially the same thing... that "Stuff" doesn't matter.

And my struggle is getting bent out of shape over other people's stuff. (As though I don't have enough of my own stuff to worry about!) I can't control people. I don't mean to, but I get so frustrated with friends and family. My heart's desire is to do so much more and I either lack the wherewithall or the gift of persuasion to ignite my passion in others. It is truly exasperating.

And then, (as you can imagine), I get so focused on the people focusing on the stuff that I lose my focus on what I'm supposed to be focusing on in the first place.

(I'll give you a moment...)

Ugh.

I can say that I threw away a lot of stuff this weekend. Some, because it was old and in poor condition. Some, just because I don't want to pass on my stuff to distract others. My mother wasn't happy about some of it, but I reminded her that I want to get married, and get new stuff and that if I don't get rid of the old stuff, then I'll have no where to put it.

Isn't that a spiritual metaphor if you've read one today?

So my prayer is this:

Dear Lord,

Help me get rid of all the old stuff in my life that keeps me from you. The stuff that keeps me from truly being intimate with you, the stuff that keeps me from doing what you tell me to, the stuff that keeps me from going where you lead me. Lord, I want new stuff. New Grace. New Mercy. More Love. A Husband. (You knew I was going to mention him, didn't you Lord?) Help me to constantly realize that by getting rid of the material stuff as well as the intangible stuff -- the anger, bitterness, hurt, jealousy, pride, discontentment, bad attitude -- that you give me "stuff" in return, for Your Glory. And help me to appreciate the stuff that I'm supposed to keep -- like the Fruit of the Spirit, and the Ten Commandments, and that greatest commandment -- to Love.

Thank you for being the giver of the "Good Stuff"...
and the Love of my Soul,
In your precious name,
Aman. I mean, Amen.