1.11.07

I am being rebellious and not switching to the updated (non-beta) blogger. I am afraid I am going to lose all my links as a few others have done.

I brought my stuff today to finish up what I'll be speaking about tonight. I have butterflies. I momentarily attempted to attach an emotion, but frankly, none of them fit. And I can't trust my emotions anyway, thus a feeble attempt at defining them is futile.

Some thoughts to share from my readings:

"Fear makes people bury the treasure God has given them." (Ortberg)

"Living means being addressed." Martin Buber

"The line between "Thou shalt not be afraid" and "Thou shalt not be ridiculous" is often a fine one and not easily located." (Ortberg)

"You will have to be willing to let some dreams die a painful death." (Ortberg)

There are a thousand things that I have not blogged about. The greatest two reasons are that: 1) they are beyond painful to share, and 2) there are a few people who have my blog address that I refuse to blog about, because in their sick heads, it validates (to them) that how they treated me was okay (in essence, that I'm the only one who is screwed up). I wish this were not the case, but it is, and it prevents me from wholly sharing what I'd like to share sometimes. In my heart, I also know that this represents a sign of personal growth for me. It's okay to share how you feel about something, or how you perceive that someone/something has wronged you. But not saying it, or writing it in my case, can also help you keep the wounds that are still healing from being ripped open again. That is where I take comfort in knowing that, ONE DAY, I will be able to share, and not care who reads this.

I love that my life is changing. And I mean it. I can't undo anything that happened last year, or the year before, or the year before that. But I refuse to be defined by those actions. Moreover, I refuse to be defeated by those actions. I had a melt-down in a Wal-Mart parking lot today after I had picked up some chicken. Something that should have been completely inconsequential. Something that should have not happened. I had to sit in my current vehicle and repent. My prayer went something like this: "Dear God. Forgive my attitude and my actions. It totally sucks." Then the lyrics of a song slapped me in the face "I will declare the beauty of the Lord, for nothing compares to the beauty of the Lord, and Jesus your love, it takes my breath away, now I'm living everyday, for the beauty of the Lord." There was NO beauty in my lapse in sense. But there is beauty in repentance. Just reiterates that I think God. is. the. coolest. EVER.

I meant this to be a happy blog, but it's not. Boo.