the real me part 1

I know I've said this before, but I often wish I had a real writer's heart. I wish I had the vocabulary, prose, and capacity to write as expressively and captivatingly as real writer's do.

But I don't. :(

But I often find myself of writing under the convention that I have to be amusing or entertaining, flippant, when in fact I'm not, and flighty. Okay, so I can be flighty sometimes, but I have depth. I digress. But in the course of life, I invariably, and thankfully (believe it or not) am blessed to be presented, without request, the opportunity for perspective and time to reflect on me. the real me. the ugly, self-righteous, pompeous, desperately-in-need-of-God's-grace me. Can I get an AMEN? I pray that you are not sitting back reading this thinking how perfect you are and how flawed and horrible I am. I will pray conviction on you for that. So there.

Yesterday, I was catching up my homework for the Beth Moore bible study that I'm doing with my fantabulous ladies at DFBC. I need to tell you that, I believe, wholeheartedly, this was meant to be a happy and oh so very edifying study. It has instead become, for me, the looking glass of all wicked witch looking glasses so that I can see some things that I need the Almighty to fix. 'Cause obviously I cannot, and continue to impair myself spiritually and emotionally when I do. I'm not God, so you would thing that would be a given, right? Ugh, no. I still trying to be the "fixer of all things Jennifer". Lord, please let this be the season that I finally get it in my head??? Please, please?? The first and second day's homework was so right up my alley, I couldn't even re-write the psalm because I was ashamed. Instead I wrote:

"I can't write this because I feel like I am one of those liar who stir up things to prevent peace."

and I cried. Oh, but don't you worry, I needed a good soulful cry to ask for forgiveness. Lest any of you believe that I think you don't have to daily die -- see above. I boo-hoo'ed in my office totally ashamed of myself.

And then decided to keep on doing the homework, and came to a stop at day 8. The lesson, "Much Contempt" references Psalm 123:

"I lift up my eyes to you, to you whose throne is in heaven. As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the LORD our God, till he shows us his mercy. Have mercy on us, O LORD, have mercy on us, for we have endured much contempt. We have endured much ridicule from the proud, much contempt from the arrogant."

I wish I could write and tell you how personal this scripture is to me having been ridiculed and the object of contempt. 'Cause I have. But, oh my, how much it occurred to me that I have been the giver instead of the reciever. I have harbored some serious animocity towards New Guy these last few months. In the study, the sentence I highlighted were:

"Disrespect devalues (them)."

"We can be disrespectful in the way we look at the person talking to us or even more disrespectful in our refusal to look."

HIIIEEEE-YAAAAAH!!!!!

Right on my big 'ole stupid heart, mouth, and heart.

(Pause for reflection.)

I really don't know why I wanted to share all this. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I put others on pedastals as though they are perfect, which of course, only makes me feel even more imperfect. Maybe it's because somebody else needs a spiritual gut-check too. I'm a pretty good person, so I think, until I realize that I'm not, and that if it weren't for God's grace, I would have busted Hell wide open a long time ago.

If I had the privilege to re-write the end of Psalm 123 to personalize it, I would say this:

"Have mercy on me. Be merciful to me because I realize that I have put people through alot. People have been on the recieving end of my unnecessary arrogance for too long. Have mercy on them, and have mercy on me."