... with evidence to back my story up...

Since I quit writing for a spell, there are some very hilarious things that I feel I should have shared. 

I got proposed to.  (I have a video that I will try to post.)  At the time (this past spring), he was 16 (to date, he is 17), and I told him no strictly on the merits that the state of Georgia frowns on that via misdemeanor/felony.  And that I’m old enough to be his teen mom.  It should be noted that, if he were ten years older, this would be the blog of a very happily married woman.  I kept my fake engagement ring as a memento though.

There is another sweet kid from church (he actually just graduated from high school, but once you turn 30, everybody under 29 is a kid) who will only refer to me as “The AMAZING Jenn Calhoun”.  In what I can only describe as his version of a superhero commentator voice.  I am not amazing. Also, I have text messages that I will try to photo to prove this.

(Sidenote: This past Wednesday night, I had a lady ask me if I would be opposed to a green card marriage to her nephew in another country?  UMMMM… yes.  I want a real husband, not a spouse on paper!  She was visibly disappointed that I wasn’t open to the idea.  Although my coworkers suggested I ask how much it was worth... (KIDDING).)

These boys make me laugh.  Who knew that in my 30’s, I’d have an entourage of teenagers following me?  Jennifer Lopez, I am not.  What I do know, is that I have a hard time receiving compliments.  I can lavish them on you with fervor, but I am not good at receiving them.  But sometimes, God has a hilarious and humbling way to give you what you need, even when (and how) you wouldn’t expect it.  I have told each of these sweet guys that I know without a doubt, that God is using them to pour into me for my husband. 

And there’s still the issue of the date…  but that’s gonna take a post of it’s own.

Somebody needs to like IT and put a ring on IT,

Love,

Jenn

exposé.

Recently, I finished a book.  For me, and maybe only me, there is something deep inside that inspires me to write.  I would also like to assume that, based on my lack of writing, it’s obvious that I haven’t read anything lately.  Life, it happens.

The subject matter, ultimately a story of coming clean, only drives why I think I need to write.  To be vulnerable.  To be honest, even at the prospect of not getting any response in return.  I have a date.  And I’m terrified.  I think I’ve finally hit that place where I’m equally as terrified to move forward as I am terrified that I’m going to stay in a state of permanent singleness.   It’s the relational version of Schrodinger’s cat.  (Five points if you can tell where I referenced that from.) 

I took an entire year (May 31, 2011 – May 31, 2012) where I took dating completely off the table.  For the first time in my life, I genuinely put it aside, completely acknowledging that there is more that I want God to do in me and through me.  To be alone with just Him.  At first it was easy.  A sweet peace.  Until a guy crept in.  And flirted.  And flirted so shamelessly that friends pulled me aside in bathrooms and pointed out that He. Flirted.  It was all very Saved by the Bell.  Except that I’m the girl that falls hard and fast and can’t move on. But of course, he can, and did. (Without a doubt, this is a perfect time to mention that he moved on by trying to ask out not one, but TWO of my friends.  You are not as smooth as you think, Rico Suave. Girls talk.) And so I tried to regain my focus.  And repent and just love on Jesus.  And my year ended, just as seamlessly as it had begun. 

And here I am, two months post commitment.  A boy asked for my number. (I shudder.)  He calls.  (I am so terrified that I contemplate throwing up or showering instead of listening to the voicemail.)  I listen to the voicemail.  (I also take a shower.)  I call back.  I am judgmental of him based on what I heard.  He asks me out.  I say yes, with only hesitation in my head not my voice.  I am completely freaking out. (Present tense intentional.)

I do not have an inflated image of who I am.  I know I struggle with a gaggle of insecurities that would baffle most men, including all of my friends.  I work tirelessly to hide them, only showing them when I have to, when the cracks are so large in my heart that I can’t hide them, or at least can’t hide them all.

I pray and I hope and I dream, but when I am presented with reality, with this reality, I can’t help but find my stomach in my throat and my knees shaking.  Singleness is safe.  Saying you want something and actually pursuing it are two completely different things. 

What I know (and MUST accept) is that I have doled out enough advice that it’s time for me to shut up and listen to those who love me.  Who will pour into me the same way I have poured into them -- with love and respect for their advice. 

I have no idea what sharing this means.  It’s just me being vulnerable.   I guess this also probably means that I should keep you posted.

Over and out.

Jenn

Low-ball

This past weekend I had time for some long overdue spring cleaning. My guest room closet has been taunting me since I moved it. I wish now that I had taken before pics, but alas I did not.

Cleaning was pretty standard except that I'm a keeper of paper. I tend to hold on to paper that I deem special or important, not limited to but including birthday cards, wedding invitations and programs, and Christmas cards. While this is not inherently bad, I've lived on my own for 12 years and I'm blessed with lots of friends. On top of keeping what I'm given, I'm a repeat offender of the infrequently used journal. I have probably started 15(?) journals in the last decade never finishing them. The result is always funny to me, providing a snapshot of some thoughts I had at some random time in my life. Sometimes I talk in code to myself, and thanks to time, forget whatever code or inside joke I was referencing. Sometimes, it makes me look crazy.

But every now and then, I run across a note that reminds me that I shouldn't doubt God and just how faithful He Is!

In 2005, I wrote a note to God and asked Him for a husband, favor with work, and a very specific salary. What I found so crazy is that I low-balled God! I didn't trust Him to provide and bless me. It's having a cheap grace and shallow theology. I'm thankful that He saw that number, laughed in heaven, and then blessed me beyond my faith or trust in Him.

Now, I just need to remember to trust Him in some other areas of my life!!

XOXO,
Jenn

Seasons

Somewhere on my butt, tattooed in invisible ink are the following words:

He's still working on me
To make me what I ought to be ...
How loving and patient He must be
Cause He's still working on me.

I am a perpetual work in progress. I'm thankful for God's grace, although I'm deep in a season where I'm reminded constantly that in the same measure I receive grace, I'm commanded to give it.

I want to get back to blogging regularly because I miss it.

I bought a car! This was a huge deal for me.

I'm slowly stepping back from working with the babies. It's breaking my heart but it has to be done.

I'm going to Asia and Australia in less than 8 weeks!!

Craziness!
XOXO,
Jenn

... What I'm listening to...

I’ve not really posted a play list in almost a year.  Music is still KEY to me!  Right now, my heart is happy and the songs I’m listening to (I hope!) reflect that!  Here is my current playlist:
We Are Young – Glee Cast – I’m totally addicted to this song!
We Belong – Pat Benetar – I’m a sap.  I will not apologize for it either.  This is a classic!
I’m Not That Girl – Wicked Soundtrack – This song resonates with me for reasons I can’t articulate yet, but still – LOVE.
A Drop In The Ocean – Javier Colon – such a beautiful song.
Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw – for the single heart. I adore!
The Only One – Joel Piper – This song just makes me happy.
Lessons In Love – Fire & Ice w/ Kaskade – this is one of my new favorite running songs.  Gets my heart racing!
Pumped Up Kicks – Foster the People – this is not new, but I can’t bring myself to take it out of my active play list.
Faster – Matt Nathanson – (I never said these were all appropriate), but I still love this song.  And Matt. J
I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bon Iver – this song is so hauntingly beautiful that it made me cry the first 20 times I listened to it.  It’s a cover, but still… wow.
We Found Love – Glee Cast – I’m a sap.  What more can I say? J
New York – Snow Patrol – I’ve been an open Snow Patrol hater for a while, but this song… just something about it.  Repeat and repeat again.
Dark Blue – Jack’s Mannequin – this song makes me want to run a marathon.
Hold Me Together – Royal Tailor – I still can’t remember how I found this song, but I absolutely love it.

2012 Word.

2012 Word.  
I could give you a litany of excuses as to why I haven’t posted this already, but it has more to do with what I’m posting than anything.  :)
My 2011 word was intentional.  Although I mentioned this earlier, it’s important for me to write again, that I could have never imagined living out last year’s word like I did.  If I had any idea how intentional my year would be, I don’t know that I would have meditated and prayed on that word!  I’m kidding.
Honestly, there were (and truthfully still are) some fractured relationships in my life.  I want to heal those, but I don’t know how.  But last year I was able to mend a few of those, not to the same level as before the fissure, but to a new level of respect. I actually like that better too!
For the relationships that are the most precious to me, I tried to be and am still working to be more intentional with those friends. I will still fall short, but instead of beating myself up and being fearful, I’m learning to own it.
What I hope to do, is not forget integrating intentional-ness into my relationships, but to add with it this year’s word:
Balance.
I firmly believe this is the word that scares me the most because it’s so hard to achieve.  My prayer is that, through 2012, I learn exactly what balance is and am conscientious that balance in my life doesn’t look like balance in the lives of others.  I do not walk in your shoes, and holding myself to any standards other than me is unfair and ridiculous.
Here is my hope and prayer:
Finding balance in my heart and mind.  Remembering that 18 inches is the most critical and if my heart and mind aren’t in line, nothing else will be.
Finding balance in my emotions.  As a woman I feel like one of my greatest struggles is always “feeling”.  It’s exhausting and I want to find balance (or maybe accountability?) in putting my emotions in check, primarily in scripture.  God’s word is the BEST place to find balance for all my feeings!
Finding balance in my daily routine.  I struggle with this so bad!  I know that’s silly to share, but years of living alone is not cultivating the good habits I want to exhibit.
Finding balance at work.  I’ve historically been all over the place in most areas of my life, but I’m really seeing the magnitude of finding balance at work.  I spend most of my week with these people.  I love them, but I need balance in cultivating relationship as well as getting things done.  Balance in this area really looks like I need to realign my pyramid into God, ME, Family, Work, Other – instead of it’s present order.
Finding balance in health.  I still haven’t blogged about my health issues, so I’ll be brief.  Around Thanksgiving, I had some blood work done.  My dr. gave me a diagnosis as to why I’ve gained some significant weight over the last four years.  Things in my body have been broke, and while I shouldn’t praise God for that, I’m thankful for HIS touch on my physician, and that she caught it.  The result is that I’ve lost 20 pounds in the last month.  I feel SO MUCH Better!  But now with this diagnosis, I have a long way  to go, but I see the light!  I think it’s time to put on my running shoes again.
Instead of focusing on every single area to find balance, I’m going to stop here.  I think that’s where balance starts.  It’s one foot in front of the other, with God at the beginning.
Here goes!!!
Xoxo,
Jenn

32

Today is my 33^rd birthday… HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

So let me tell you a little bit about 32.

If I had begun my 32^nd year knowing what it would hold, I would have never believed it, never in a million years.  I would have thrown my head back, laughed deeply (and possibly loudly) and thought I was dreaming.

But it really happened.  And it's been beautiful, and wonderful, and heartbreaking, and inspiring.

This has been 32:

I traveled to the other side of the world.

I realized how much my heart belongs to God alone.

I loved.

God brought a sweet, completely unexpected family into my life that have shattered my misconceptions about what love really is, and how much I had to give away. (READ: more than I even dared to dream)

All my sweet Resonate babies.  (They aren't babies, but I adore them to no end.)

I sat under the stars in the most gorgeous place on earth, and just breathed deeply.

I held a little boy in my arms and just loved on him for no reason.

I've watched a few friends fulfill their dreams.

I cleaned out more bugs than I could have ever imagined, and realized that I would do it 10,000 times again.

I watched one of my best friends, marry her best friend, and got the chance to stand beside her.

More babies have been born this year than I can count, and many more to come.

I got a diagnosis that validated that I wasn't fruit-loops, and has some AWESOME side effects.

It sounds corny, but I did not realize how much I wasn't giving of myself, until this year presented itself.  This year was less about waiting for a husband, and more about realizing that I needed the chance to love deeply, passionately, and selflessly in a capacity that I didn't even know was capable.  I am so much more amazed as God's grace this year.  I understand in a new light how much HE loves me, and that it's more than a calling to love others.

When I go to write my 2012 word, I will probably rehash this point, but my 2011 was all about being intentional.  I don't know how I could have possibly gotten any more intentional this year without bursting at the seams.

I am so thankful for my family that loves me just for me.

I'm thankful for friends that are life blood.

I am thankful for a church family that is more than just church.

I'm thankful for a job that helps support all my hobbies.

I am grateful and indebted to coworkers who keep me sane and push me to be better.

I am thankful for God's amazing, abundant, lavish grace and mercy.  More than I can comprehend or spend in one day…

And is that's been 32, then 33 …. Here I go!!   :)