Gone diggin'

I'm a firm believer that, for women, the contents and organization of our purse speak loudly as to who we are. After choosing myself as guinea pig, I decided to empty my purse and provide evidence as such. I realize that I failed to take a "before" picture. Thank Jehovah. It was a hot mess and you are better off having not seen it.

Here is my empty, flat purse:

And here are the contents:

1 wallet

3 checkbooks

1 badge for work

2 cells phones

6 rubber bands

1 barrette

1 Victoria's Secret Card

1 used Wal-mart gift card

2 rings

1 bracelet

1/2 piece of gum w/ wrapper

5 pens

1 powder compact

4 receipts

1 tube of mascara

1 tube of actual lipstick

3 tubes of lipgloss

1 tin of lipgloss

1 tube of chapstick

$2.81 in change

1 set of keys

1 tube of lotion

1 Digital camera

1 stick of fingernail polish (it's a new thing)

Needless to say, I am SERIOUSLY worried about dry or chapped lips. I mean, who needs 6 lip products in one bag? This also would predispose me to be more concerned with appearance than with the quality of things, you know? I have to believe it says other things about, as in... I'm scared of single things. I apparently like stuff in multiples. I.E. Phones.

So... what's in your bag?

completely away from the last post...

I heard a very funny expression on the radio this morning in regards to using the curse word S#it:

"If you are not willing to hold it in your hand, it probably isn't good to say it with your mouth."

Oooh!

???

**This is going to offend you. You should probably stop reading. Consider yourself warned.**

I'm almost to the point of deleting my blogroll these days. I'm tired of the criticism, and my blogrollers criticizing themselves.

It's getting on my freakin' nerves.

This is NEVER going to be a perfect world, y'all. Jesus HAS to come back. THINGS are getting worse. They will CONTINUE to get worse. We only have ONE HOPE.

We are all screwed up. I don't care if you came from a perfect family that still together or from a family that you believe is the most messed up. We are ALL messed up. We do not have perfect lives, perfect teeth, perfect bodies, perfect intentions. We've had our hearts broken and our dreams bruised. Few of us are ever where we expected to be at this present stage in our life. (If you are at that stage, don't tell me, k?) We are all a bunch of sinners who get up only by the grace of God. We can tear ourselves apart (me especially), but in doing so, under the guise of analyzing our lives and fixing the problems, we usually only make ourselves feel worse, resulting in feeble attempts to compensate for what we believe we have done, said, believed, acted, felt wrong/bad.

I wish I could say that today is the day that I will stop the self-analysis, and the microanalysis through other bloggers eyes, but I seriously doubt it. But I'm going to try.

I'm not going to delete my blogs anymore. (I have too many to run back too!)
I'm not going to delete my blogroll.
I'm not going to hide my archives in shame.
I'm not going to pretend like you have some perfect life.
I'm sure as heck not going to pretend that mine is anything but covered in grace that I DON'T deserve.
I'm not going to compensate for what I think I'm not.
I'm not going to do some deep theological research to change the beliefs in my heart.
I'm going to try not to judge you. Frankly, I'm human, and that's hard to do. I judge. You do too. I have to be forgiven for my sins from God Almighty and from other people.

TODAY IS THE DAY TO OWN IT.

Food for Thought.

"Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car."

!!!

SHUT up.

NKOTB is doing a reunion tour...

(breath)

this is nuts.

the real me part 1

I know I've said this before, but I often wish I had a real writer's heart. I wish I had the vocabulary, prose, and capacity to write as expressively and captivatingly as real writer's do.

But I don't. :(

But I often find myself of writing under the convention that I have to be amusing or entertaining, flippant, when in fact I'm not, and flighty. Okay, so I can be flighty sometimes, but I have depth. I digress. But in the course of life, I invariably, and thankfully (believe it or not) am blessed to be presented, without request, the opportunity for perspective and time to reflect on me. the real me. the ugly, self-righteous, pompeous, desperately-in-need-of-God's-grace me. Can I get an AMEN? I pray that you are not sitting back reading this thinking how perfect you are and how flawed and horrible I am. I will pray conviction on you for that. So there.

Yesterday, I was catching up my homework for the Beth Moore bible study that I'm doing with my fantabulous ladies at DFBC. I need to tell you that, I believe, wholeheartedly, this was meant to be a happy and oh so very edifying study. It has instead become, for me, the looking glass of all wicked witch looking glasses so that I can see some things that I need the Almighty to fix. 'Cause obviously I cannot, and continue to impair myself spiritually and emotionally when I do. I'm not God, so you would thing that would be a given, right? Ugh, no. I still trying to be the "fixer of all things Jennifer". Lord, please let this be the season that I finally get it in my head??? Please, please?? The first and second day's homework was so right up my alley, I couldn't even re-write the psalm because I was ashamed. Instead I wrote:

"I can't write this because I feel like I am one of those liar who stir up things to prevent peace."

and I cried. Oh, but don't you worry, I needed a good soulful cry to ask for forgiveness. Lest any of you believe that I think you don't have to daily die -- see above. I boo-hoo'ed in my office totally ashamed of myself.

And then decided to keep on doing the homework, and came to a stop at day 8. The lesson, "Much Contempt" references Psalm 123:

"I lift up my eyes to you, to you whose throne is in heaven. As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the LORD our God, till he shows us his mercy. Have mercy on us, O LORD, have mercy on us, for we have endured much contempt. We have endured much ridicule from the proud, much contempt from the arrogant."

I wish I could write and tell you how personal this scripture is to me having been ridiculed and the object of contempt. 'Cause I have. But, oh my, how much it occurred to me that I have been the giver instead of the reciever. I have harbored some serious animocity towards New Guy these last few months. In the study, the sentence I highlighted were:

"Disrespect devalues (them)."

"We can be disrespectful in the way we look at the person talking to us or even more disrespectful in our refusal to look."

HIIIEEEE-YAAAAAH!!!!!

Right on my big 'ole stupid heart, mouth, and heart.

(Pause for reflection.)

I really don't know why I wanted to share all this. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I put others on pedastals as though they are perfect, which of course, only makes me feel even more imperfect. Maybe it's because somebody else needs a spiritual gut-check too. I'm a pretty good person, so I think, until I realize that I'm not, and that if it weren't for God's grace, I would have busted Hell wide open a long time ago.

If I had the privilege to re-write the end of Psalm 123 to personalize it, I would say this:

"Have mercy on me. Be merciful to me because I realize that I have put people through alot. People have been on the recieving end of my unnecessary arrogance for too long. Have mercy on them, and have mercy on me."

... a Word for fellow bloggers...

"For some say, 'His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person, he is unimpressive and his speaking amount to nothing'. Such people should realize that what we are in our letters when we are absent, we will be in our actions when we are present."
II Corinthians 1:10-11

I find that, sometimes, you can't articulate physically and verbally how you feel, but that I can write it and believe that I've expressed my passion. I just like that THE WORD confirms that that's okay.

"Not in a closet"

I found the following meme through Anne's website from one of her commenters, Just call me seven.

My band is Dolichomastix, their album is titled "Not in a closet", and there is a dog (ugly one) on the cover. Now your turn! AND COMMENT ME BACK!!!

Here’s the meme: You design the cover of your band’s album using these links:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover. You then take the pic and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your pic.

my brain is one big pond of scum today. do you ever have those days? those days where you're not happy, you don't really have anything to really be upset about, and yet you find yourself having the worst attitude?? today I have:

• eaten lunch at my desk. this is a shining star in my day because i made my lunch.
• cried on the phone with my mom. when she hurts, i hurt.
• been frustrated with my brother. ugh.
• threatened to put an auditor in a box and ship him back to atlanta.
• told my coworker to leave because they're annoying me by breathing.

Jesus would sooooooooooo not do that.

my little pity party blog may have only served to remind me how blessed i truly am and that i'm just acting like a brat.

oh... and secrets are BAD. they hurt people. they destroy relationships. they destroy progress. more on that later.

Weekend recap

Friday night... induction stuff. TONS of fun!

Saturday morning... breakfast with friends. All was fun until my roommate called my friend M. to tell me that my MOTHER HAD BEEN CALLING ALL OF MY FRIENDS LOOKING FOR ME!

I should totally appreciate people worrying about me. But, I don't. I'M ALMOST 30. I mean, SERIOUSLY. The madness has got to stop somewhere. My friends thought it was hysterical and then proceeded to call me multiple times in some unconcious reference to my mom.

Needless to say, I am not amused.

The rest of Saturday was pretty quiet.

Sunday... had a visitor that I spent most of the day with, and it was nice. Then went and saw 27 dresses. I liked the movie, but I understand how some people might not enjoy it.

so, all in all, I'm pretty boring.

Seen any good movies lately?

for the first time in a really long time...

I was able to do my own taxes! Yay!

Now, if I could only find a less-expensive way to file. Yayayayay!!

the air I breathe

You think you have problems? I think I have problems? We have nothing. Go here and read what God is doing for this family... and pray for them.

"and when I look at the stars"

I had good intentions to post this Sunday and then again yesterday and somehow that never materialized! sorry!!

Let me preface my post by saying this -- if I could undo my college experience, I would have moved my happy little butt across the U.S. and studied astronomy/astrophysics at the University of California Berkeley. I have ALWAYS been fascinated with stars and astronomy and the heavens, and was only too cowardly and dorky to do anything about it. But I love the study of the heavens and have since I was 7 in the second grade when we intensively studied Halley's Comet. With that said, any mention of Jesus and science makes me giddy inside.

Sunday, I had the privilege to watch Louie Giglio's talk from Chris Tomlin's most recent concert tour. (If you had heard it or heard about it, I apologize for the redundancy, but still think it's worth mentioning briefly.) The bulk of Louie's talk involves the enormousness of the heavens, stars specificially, in contrast to the minisculity of the earth and ultimately us in comparison to God. I should have done my homework and provided the statistical information (so bear with me).

The earth = holds roughly 6.2 BILLION people
The Sun = 93 BILLION Earths
Kanis Majoris (the largest star discovered to date) = holds 2.73 QUADRILLION earths.

"By the word of the LORD were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth." Psalm 33:6

YO. God Almighty BREATHED the stars into existence. Think in contrast of you spitting a spitball out of your mouth. Put that in context of God BREATHING the heavens into existence.

Feel Small Yet??

And yet...

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your words are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were writtein your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16

There is nothing that we go through that God does not see. Our struggles are not immaterial to God, in spite of our seeming insignificant size. He created us. He loves us. He sent His son to die for us. More importantly, HE is on the throne working things out for us for His glory!

I post all this to say... I don't know the details of what you're going through, but I have faith to know that God is moving and is in control, especially when You can't see it.

upcoming...

• a new computer.
• a trip to New York City
• a trip to Mexico

Can I tell you how excited I am???

managable

Things I may be able to do this year:

• Donate my hair to Locks of Love.
• Payoff all of my credit cards.
• Make a dent in my student loans.
• Run a 5K

A girl can dream can't she?

cache...

i was going to do this really fun top 10 list of stuff, and then I got distracted.

then i was going to do a list of recent happenings in my life, and then I got distracted.

then i was going to try to finish the first one, and got distracted.

upon trying again, i got distracted.

ARE WE SENSING A THEME HERE?

Here's the recent highlights as brief as possible for fear of, well, another distraction.

• I received a big surprise at work on Monday.
• This further serves as confirmation that I am in the right place (location wise)
• I cried like a baby about it; it was so AWESOME.
• My friend Miranda is an official CleveVegas resident. I'm beyond pumped.
• We've been able to walk on the Breezeway twice in the last three days. Thrilling I tell ya'.
• Biggest Loser started last week, and it just makes me happy thinking about that show. Bob Harper -- such a hottie!
• Bible study starts up tomorrow night and I. CAN'T. WAIT. Beth Moore and my FBC ladies. It's almost too much!
• My bro started an awesome new job on Monday.

I've been telling my friends that since whatever funky fog has been hanging the last year has finally lifted, I'm a lot more vocal to tell you my opinion. I've mostly told people that this thing -- whatever it was -- kinda made me jaded, but I'd like to think in a good way. I'm still me. And after a year of feeling and internalizing everything like I have -- those days are finally over. Thank God!

... okay... I got interrupted again. I'm posting now, and I'll update later.

Nirvana

Further confirmation of why I think Dave Grohl is a cool kid.

Go here.

$$$

I've been identity thefted.

AGAIN.

:( Fortunately, my bank is going to put the money back in my account and prosecute (if possible) on my behalf.

Clarity

I'm waiting on some reports to be updated at work so that I can get to cracking... I mean, it's 10:38 and I've accomplished nothing this morning! Take that back... I did order a water bottle like the ones from the Biggest Loser b/c the stupid service wouldn't work yesterday, and I'm very excited.

As I type all of this, I am suddenly and acutely aware of all of the emails I am deficient in sending.

Whoops... my bad.

My distraction this morning came via the Ipod. I finally figured out how to use it yesterday, only because I actually tried. Genius, I know. Anyway. I have a LOT of songs saved on my computer at work. Songs I love 'cause I'm kind of a dork. Everything from movie soundtrack songs to Backstreet Boys, lots of worship, courtesy of Passion and Chris Tomlin, topped off with some Poison and Def Leppard. Def Leppard is my weakness y'all. Please NEVER give me tickets to a concert. I promise I will come home with less undergarments than when I left home. TMI? Who cares.

Okay... not so secretly, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE to go see D.F. It would be the highlight of a decade. Undies and all. Did I mention LOVE????

Back to the point. I heard the faint lyrics of a song that I didn't realize I had nor had the track info populated this morning. It caused me to stop in my tracks. One of my idiosyncracies is that I relate music to my emotions. There are songs that, as soon as the intro starts, I break into a cold sweat, or start crying, or wig out, or something combination thereof. It's something I've done for the last fifteen years I guess, and I'm not sure how it happened, and I don't share the full extent of it with folks for fear that I may be deemed weird.

Let's face it. I'm weird. You're weird. It's not an issue any longer. There's not judgment here.

I have taken great strides to not hear this song in almost thirteen months. And yet, sometimes, you can't hide from your mistakes, or memories, but you have to face them. This morning's tune is "True" by Ryan Cabrera. It was my ringtone for a year and a half, and the sound of it would make me lose focus on everything else. I was focused on the emotions and the person tied to that song.

But today, it made me feel differently. I'm not that person anymore (can we all say AMEN?). The pain is fading. The love is gone. The truth is actually not so bad.

But mostly, this song, and it's memories, and it's ridiculous lyrics, are reminding me how excited I am about this year. I'm excited... (I can't believe I'm actually saying this...) but I'm excited about turning 30. I'm excited that this year will not be like the others. I'm excited about new memories!