Monday, August 30, 2010

to say what you need to say.

I'm in a season of keeping my mouth shut.

It has to be one of my least favorite seasons of life, and yet, I know that it's critically important to just stay quiet.

This is not the normal, natural response for a reactor.

Things in my life are changing and while they are, well, scary, I know and have to believe that God is seeing me and will see me through.  I refuse to believe otherwise.  And I'm trying NOT to comment. 

And to make this season even crazier, I'm intentionally asking God to change me.

In a few situations in my life, I am both cognitively aware and heart-aware that the other folks are never going to change.  I'm taking away any expectations that they can change, and asking God to make the changes in me.

I can honestly say that I never really expected to pray for that.

here goes...


I've had some pain in my knee and hip so I've had to scale back on my workouts.  I am refusing to stop but am acutely aware that I need to take care of my body.  I didn't gain 60 pounds overnight and hope as I may, I won't lose it that way either.


The blogging community that you are never ceases to amaze me, encourage me, inspire me, and love me.  I wish I had the financial means to come to where you are, buy you dinner, give you a ginormous hug, and tell you how much I love you.  Since I can't, I hope this will suffice.

From the bottom of my heart, with all my heart, thank you, and I love you.


Lastly, I need a vacation. 

Hallelujah, and pass the airline tickets.



Saturday, August 28, 2010

it's meeting the man of your dreams… and then meeting his beautiful wife.

As I write this, I can’t help but find the irony (get it?) of Alanis Morrisette’s song and how it applies to my oh-so-interesting day Thursday, also one of the occupational hazards of being a single woman.

I need to preface what I write with this: these are my thoughts. I would never in a million years cross any lines because that’s not me. If after reading this, you feel an urge to berate me in the comments, suppress it. I will probably retaliate and you'll regret your choice.

There is a guy that I work with that I have talked via phone to for the last five years. He has the best phone voice, a combination of Good ‘Ole Boy and college education. He is funny, and we’ve talked about everything from church to politics to family. He is married with 2 kids and he knows I’m single.

Thursday, I had to pick something up from him. Despite the fact that we’ve corresponded for so long and that we’ve been a quarter mile from one another all this time, we had never met.

I tend to find 90% of men attractive. I rule them as completely disgusting after I witness something they do. There are exceptions, like the Great Date Escape of Oh-10. Because I lean toward the almost-always-attractiveness-line, I rarely have anyone take my breath away. In my 31 years, I’d say like twice, tops.

But this guy took my breath away. It happened so fast and so instantaneously that it scared me. He walked away from a meeting to stand beside me and all I could think was ala-Joey-Russo – “Woah!”. I mean, WOAH is right. He wasn’t one of your typical drop dead gorgeous guys. (I tend to lean toward the non-traditional hotties anyway), but something about him got me.

I know this is going to sound just as crazy, but I’m telling you I had one of those movie moments where I know he felt it too.

And it scared the bah-ju-ju out of me.

Lest you all think I’m some marriage-breaker-up (WHICH I’M NOT), please know that nothing and I mean nothing will ever happen. I value marriage. What I did realize is that I miss, and I long for, THAT feeling. Someone to take my breath away.

It’s so easy sometimes to fall prey to the thoughts that settling is an option. If you knew what I’d been entertaining the last few weeks some of you would be ashamed of me. I am 31. I’m still single. I’ve foolishly focused some attention on a guy thinking that he should love me! Writing that down is as preposterous as the thinking behind it. I shouldn’t have to negotiate with anyone for them to love me. Regardless of the awesomeness I bring to the table, love should never be forced. Or contractual. It should just happen naturally.

It should be someone taking my breath away…

I think.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

breathe. stretch. shake. run.

My life is all about running right now.  I could bore you with the details, but I'm trying to spare you.  It's going well, I'm still sweating like Cuh-ray-zy, and I'm loving it.  Endurance, endurance, endurance!!

I have completely disconnected electronically while at work.  I have days where it's frustrating, but OH! so necessary.  The only downside is that I'm missing all of y'all!!  With the addition of running and the fact that my computer is not in an advantageous spot in my home, I miss out on reading your wonderful thoughts and words on Your blogs. 

The upside to all this running is that now my body has decided to wake up at a decent hour every day.  With this, I may be able to blog regularly and read your lovely things!  YAY!

Come to think of it, my life may be all about explanation right now.

Pop quiz -- how do you define the difference between explanation and excuse?

Anywhoodle-oo.  I'm trying to think of exciting things going on in my life?????????????

I've got nothing.  :)

But, I do love you all (even though I haven't met most of you!) and pray that today is a wonderful day for you!!!


Sunday, August 15, 2010

a whole lot of randomness.

I'm heading out to run in a few seconds.  I haven't blogged in a few days.  Oops.  Thank you if you're still here.

P.S.  Your comments have been the things that helped keep me going this week.

I had the most hellacious week in 5 years.  I was WAY past the end of my rope/tying knots crap.  WAY PAST.

And it's funny how God works because right in the middle of my terribleness, he used my Mom to send a prayer.  I boo-hoo'ed the entire prayer, as I simultaneously read it and prayed. 


Running this week kicked my butt.  BIG TIME.  I'm a wee bit nervous of tonight's run.

I've been listening to Kristen Chenoweth's audio book -- she is HYSTERICAL.  You should audio-read it.  She's so funny as she narrates her own life.


When I haven't been listening to her, I've been pulling some good jams:

Dave Barnes -- God gave me you.  DAVE'S VOICE IS LIKE BUT-TAH.  SWEET & CREAMY BUT-TAH.
Billionaire -- Travis McCoy. (Find the radio edit if you can.)
Georgia Clay -- Josh Kelley.  I really could care less about his wife, but I like this song.
Club Can't Handle Me -- Flo Rida.  HELLO? I'M RUNNING.  I NEED SOME GOOD BEATS. And I like Flo Rida.
Lover, Lover -- Jerrod Neimann.   Such a catchy rhythm.  Lovin' it.
The Finish Line - Train.  I think this song resonates with me so much now because of some goals.  Such a good song.
Bleed -- Hot Chelle Rae.  Love the crescendo from words to chorus. 
First to Fall -- Laura Shay.  I can only blame the Hallmark channel and it's cheesy/Saturday-sustaining movies for this. Ha!
Dynamite -- Taio Cruz.   I know, judge me if you need to, but I like the musicality of it all.


Other that than, I'm just praying a lot.  I WILL get through this thing in my life.  I am not weak!




Unless you're telling me that she has gotten saved (FOR REAL), please stop writing about Lindsay Lohan.  She needs Jesus and pants (in that order), and I don't care if she's in rehab or jail, or anything. 




Tuesday, August 10, 2010

a letter.

Dear Heart,

(insert thug attitude/vibe) You gone have to get out this funk real quick.  Sad Jenn is not cool.  (end thug attitude/vibe).

10 years ago today, the very first man you ever loved smashed your heart into a gazillion pieces.  While most people bounce after a few months, you decided to drag it out for nearly 3 years.


the only reason you really got over him was because you got into somebody else.  Trouble was his middle name, and being phony was his game.  That ended after too many years, and you were doing good.  You don't miss either of those boys, but letting the loneliness get to you? Not really okay.

Today, you need to get your junk together and snap back to your self.  

You are so much smarter than that 20 year old was. You've been burned, but you've felt love, at the very core of who you are, and you know you want it again.  Don't close yourself off to experiencing that, no matter what "rational" reason you think you can come up with.  Love ... is the most exhilarating feeling in the world.  Remember the high, and be happy.



Tonight, I ran without any music or words pounding into my ears.  Just to run, to de-stress, to engage in conversation with God.  To cry a little, laugh a few times, and pound my fist in the air when I realized I WASN'T dying after 2 minutes. And then another 2 minutes.  And then aNOTHER 2 minutes.


I don't know if I need to quit finding balance and just do it, or what.  I'm sorry you all are enduring with me as I figure out what in the world I need to do with my life (and I'm thanking you MUCHO MUCH in advance).

In the comments of the last post, Gina @ I am Gina Bob left a quote that I needed to be reminded of (P.S. stop by her blog if you haven't yet.  Gina is so sweet!):

"Tears are liquid prayers that need no interpretation." -C.H. Spurgeon

and I need to remember that today.


Sunday, August 8, 2010

oh sunday eve.

This weekend, I have been a BUSY girl! 

Friday night, I helped decorate for a friend's lingerie shower.  I wasn't feeling well (and I'll expand on things in a moment), so I headed back home.

Yesterday, I woke up entirely too early, did my workout in blazing heat, took care of laundry, and finished off last night with a birthday dinner at Hooter's for my friend Josh followed by two hysterical rounds of miniature golf!

Today, got up early, talked to my brother for a bit, went to an AWESOME church service, and then headed back to the Vegas and then Knoxville for another birthday party tonight -- a viewing of The Other Guys and dinner at Pei Wei.

And I arrived home to find my rarely here German neighbors having blocked half the driveway, and a giant puddle of water in my house.

GOOD TIMES, I SAY.  Good times.


I am... struggling.  Struggling with some things that I don't know how to process any other way but by prayer.  I KNOW that God answers prayer.  I've witnessed it, I've been on the receiving end of it, I know it works.

And Friday night, amidst my already feeling bad, I was sort of overcome with emotion and wound up crying the entire 40 minute ride home.

It's a feeling that I can't quite articulate (I find myself not being able to articulate a lot of things lately!), but this one really bugs me. 

It's an uncomfortableness, of sorts.


On Friday night, I drove around my Alma Mater.  I am so blessed to have gone to Lee University.  It's not a school for everyone, but it definitely was the perfect fit for me.  This time each year is so special to me, because August 19th will be my 11th anniversary of moving away from home. 

I left all the security blankets I had and took a giant leap of faith by moving away.  Lee has such special, wonderful memories for me, and I can't imagine what my life would have been without that place.

Who I would be without that place.

And maybe all this introspection comes from that.  Remembering the naive 20 year old I was.  Never been kissed.  Never been loved.  Never been away from home for that long.  Never stepped out with that kind of faith before.

As I was driving around campus, I was struck at how much has changed physically.

And yet, my memories are frozen in time.  Stuck in that first dorm room.  Stuck waiting in the lobby for those boys!  Stuck on the ped mall for the most hilarious story.  Stuck.

Maybe I'm stuck??????

Maybe... I'm stuck.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

run. clear. run.

I need to be perfectly honest and say, that I had a great run tonight.  I feel like (and I know this is premature), but I sincerely feel like I'm GETTING it this time.

And it feels good.

Today, we had some NASTY weather is D-town.  Like small hail, high winds, and much needed heavy rain.  Running outside in 100% humidity seemed a tad foolish, but I was willing.  When I got to the track, no one was there.  Call me paranoid, but running by myself with no one in the park?  No, thank ya'.

I headed to the gym.

This is what I wrote on my facebook:

I had a good run tonight. I think it also helped that I had a SUPER HOT GUY in front of me who kept smiling, maybe he was secretly thinking I looked ridiculous on the treadmill, but in my head, he was proud of me for running. Op, and then he did come speak to me. Silly me forgot to get his name, but I did not see a wedding band. Ah, the important details. Dear Hot Guy, THANK YOU!!! BEST. RUN. TO. DATE!!!

You know, you have to celebrate the small victories.

Yay for good runs.  Yay for hot guys without wedding rings.  Yay for getting it together.  FINALLY... hopefully.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I.. love ridiculously cheesy chick flicks.

(insert shame here.)


I also have a tendency to watch them repeatedly.  The earliest I can remember was a movie called Crazy From the Heart, starring Christine Lahti.  She was a high school principal in a South Texas school and fell in love with the janitor.  (I did my reseach and actually found the vhs version a few years.  Now? I own it.)

If you ask me my top 3 favorite movies, they are 1) Gone With The Wind, 2) Never Been Kissed, and 3) the Notebook.  (Mike C., I know I wavered when you asked me, but he's a Calhoun, come on.)

I've seen NBK and The Notebook at least 30 times, each.

And I still love them.

With no shame.

Other top favs:


Fools Rush In -- The scene were Matthew Perry's character has to tell his friend that he got married and throws his hand up to flash the wedding ring??  I have repeated that same move in photos.  I KID YOU NOT.

My Fake Fiance -- I've a child of the 80's and 90's.  Clarissa and "Woah?!" in the same movie??? YES PLEASE.  And their upcoming TV show?  WOO!!!


Sometimes, my musical choices reflect my personal cheesiness.  Case in Point:  Heather Locklear & Hillary Duff in "The Perfect Man",... I pulled down Better than This from Kimberly Locke.  Love that song!

This past Sunday, Lucky 7 was on television.  It's Patrick Dempsey and it's cute and dorky and yes I own that DVD of that one too

And I heard "So You Are To Me", by Eastmountainsouth.  It's a beautiful song that I think you'll enjoy.


Any favorite cheesy chick flick loves or songs you love?  Share!

Happy Wednesday,

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

all that jazz.

First and foremost, today is my brother's birthday.  I am blessed (and biased) about having the best brother ever!!!!!!

Because of him, I have permanent lead in my knee.  A blue dot that I should share one day.  :)

I had a wreck in which he wound up wearing the red kool-aid he was drinking.

He nearly killed me on the GWB.

He cussed out a vendor to get me an infamous Grey's Papaya hotdog. It was just as yummy as they looked on Fools Rush In.

His home is always open for me to stay in New York City.

He's my John Mark Smurf, and yes, there IS a song.

He's one of my greatest confidantes, and I couldn't be more proud of him.

Happy Birthday JM!!  Welcome to the 30's.  May many more adventures be yet before us!!

Love you bunches!!!


Some of you sent me the most kind, supportive emails today.  You expressed your opinions about what I wrote last night, and frankly, you were 142 different kinds of awesome!!

Then there were the people who decided that I was 1) ignorant and 2) that they REALLY knew me.  To you I say openly, you don't know doodly-squat, and I think it would be in your best interest to not read anymore. 

I don't hate women pastors; I'm not against women pastors.  I'm not some anti-feminist who think suffrage was in vain and that we all need to be in submission to Men.  For anyone to have interpreted that is so beyond ridiculous, I can't help but be left speechless.  My doubts are in ordination, and that's MY opinion.  Also, we are talking about the particular denomination I attend, not any others.  And FYI, I have family on the Council of the 18.  I'm not nearly as stupid as you think.

If you happen to have women pastors in your life or your family, that's great.  I'm not questioning anyone's calling, I'm questioning a title. 

Also, I don't hate counselors, I don't think they're all bad.  Promise!!  Sometimes one Bad Apple can intentionally ruin your afternoon.

If that is your life's work and your passion, kudos to you!

Lastly, my title yesterday was called VENT, not "I'M TALKING TO YOU PERSONALLY  SO GET YOUR BRIEFS IN A BUNCH".  Unclench.


I'm heading out to run in a minute, to clear my head and detox my system!  I'm finding that for me, this is so cleansing and therapeutic.  It's a chance to talk to my heavenly Father uninterrupted!


For some fun reading!

Amanda @ Teasingly Diverse has a poll going for Team Noel or Team Ben.  TEAM NOEL ALL THE WAY!!!

SueAnn @ SueAnn's Journey had a great post today.  SueAnn is such a wonderful lady and always the consummate encourager!  And such a talented artist!! 

Rachel @ The Keyter had a hilarious post of Random Bits of Randomness.  Love this!!  I met Rach through Nathan. 

Miss C @ Crispin Chronicles lives in Hawaii.  Her husband is serving in the military (Thank you!!).  Every time I read her blog, I seriously want to aloha the South, and ALOHA! Hawaii!  :)

Steph @ Bird on a Wire has some beautiful Etsy finds.  I am determined this year to have my Christmas shopping completed by Thanksgiving.  If Steph keeps it up, she may manage to find the beautiful things on my list!


Gotta run... LITERALLY!


Monday, August 2, 2010

One last thing...

Some wonderful college friends and I get together every year for a reunion.

We are planning (and having a few hilarious facebook mass messages) our event for this Labor day.

I'm excited about seeing everyone, including one of my favorite guy's new girlfriend, and a sweet little chubby 9 month old and spright 18 month old!

Yay!!  Labor Day can't get here soon enough!!


Today, I received a flurry of emails asking what in the WORLD I was thinking with my previous title.

FYI... that is a Southern Expression.  I didn't even reply to a few emails because they were so ugly!  While we're covering southern expressions that are, well different, here are my other favorite too:

"the devil's beating his wife"
"where in the Hahirah?"
"what in tarnation"
"colder than a witch's tit"

I don't get them, but I have used them... maybe except for that last one because it makes no sense! 

Just fyi, I am Southern.  Proud of it too.  I have such a wonderful, rich, hilarious heritage.  And sometimes, we talk weird too. Ha!


My denomination recently voted on ordaining women.  I have no problem with women serving in any type of ministry, but I feel like this one is so much MORE about entitlement and having a title than it is anything else.

I have angered more than a few people.  FYI: I'm not a feminist.  If that's your thing, fine.  If you don't to take your spouses name, or want to burn your bra, go ahead. 

While I rarely talk about my actual political views (I could shock some of you!), I'm a fairly straight laced conservative.  I struggle with judging some radical liberals, and that's just the honest truth.  I'll stop now, but OI! what controversy I caused!


There is an expression:  "those who can't do; teach".  This is my general view on a lot of people that I went to college with.  They have no idea what they want to do, except they 1) want to boss people around, 2) tell other people what they should be, and 3) get a paycheck.

Hence, my alma mater graduates quite a high number of counselors. 

I've been burned by therapists and counselors.  I had one lovely lady who suggested regression therapy, and when I told her that Jesus had taken care of my heart AND my head, she asked me to consider it, and sign a paper.

I walked out of her office, and never returned.

I have people in my life who are counselors, and they couldn't google their way out of real life situation.



I did not intend for this to be one of those vent posts, but I needed it.  It's been a long, LONG day.


Lastly, I'm glad Ali picked Roberto.  Dear Chris, I'm still single.  :)


sweatin' like a whore in church.

(I don't post for a week, so I thought a catchy title was MUCH needed!)

This last week has been busy!  I'm strictly sticking to my schedule of running three times a week.  I am the slowest runner EVER, but that's okay!  I'm glad to be doing it!

Thursday night, I nearly passed out, (totally par for the course), but it definitely scared me a bit.  I'm realizing that, even though my diet HAS changed, I still have a long way to go.

I wish I had more to blog about, but my life, in this moment, consists of sleeping, eating, working, and running IS my life. 

And yes, I do sweat "like a whore in church".  I'm a big sweat-er anyway, so when you add 100% humidity and 100 degree heat, Ta-DA!  SWEAT SWEAT SWEAT!

Last week, I made the mistake of sitting on my couch.  On Saturday morning, when the sun came through my main window, I saw a huge salt/sweat stain on my couch! YUCK!  Fortunately, my furniture came with a really great cleaner, and the stain was quickly removed!

on Saturday, I did manage to buy a new pair of kicks... by Brooks.  I had an old fashioned show fittin' and everything.  So nice!!!  :)


well... I have to run (not literally... I'll actually be driving!).  As a way to keep myself accountable, remind me to tell you about the 3-year old and the grown man who hides in closets.  Y'all will be shocked!  :)

Much love!!!