Monday, February 27, 2006

STILL sick, wild weekend, and possible New Digs

I still have this crap. Saturday, I sounded like a 13 year old boy going through puberty. My voice was on different octaves for every other word. It was hysterical.

Friday, a friend from NC drove down, and she, another buddy, and myself drove to ATL to see a ANother Friend. We had SO MUCH fun. We got to meet my ATL buddy's fiance (who was alot more quiet than we anticipated), although that was in part b/c friend #1 pounced on said fiance as we walked in the door. We had dinner and laughed, and got to see ATL's beautiful house (which is now on the market). Saturday morning, us four girls got up and drove to Alabama to see three more friends. I know this is all vague, but I'm trying not call names. We were able to see more houses, a husband, a picture of another husband, and my friend B.'s prospect husband Vin Diesel. (His picture is matted and framed on the credenza in her living room -- no joke.) We went bowling (using our sorority nicknames) at this GHETTO bowling alley. There was duct tape on the ball returns -- it was hysterical. We ate lunch, we ate dinner (I tried wings for the first time -- I don't see what the big deal is, I mean, it's a chicken finger with a bone.) We laughed, and took the most hysterical pictures that I would be shot and killed for if I were to post them. Anyway... we had so much fun. Sunday morning, our friends cooked us breakfast, and we left. Not before hiting Talladega. My friend M. knows how special she is to me, and we had fun, even though we almost got in real trouble with security. What's a little danger?

We were all exhausted! The ride home was fun, and bittersweet. This weekend was definitely worth the anxiety! Getting to see old friends, and making plans to do it bigger and better again soon!

Last night, after all that drama, I find out that my neighbors are moving, and that their house/duplex is going for sale. SO... (drumroll, big dramatic pause), I am going to talk to a banker to find out how much I can take a loan out for. I am serious about becoming a home owner. Craziness! So... that's where I'm at. I've been paying off my debt left and right (for good reason of course!), and hopefully I will be able to see things come to fruition. I am actually excited at the prospect of being a homeowner. You know... fixing my house like I like it! (Maybe even using this sewing machine I've had for two years too!)

Here's a pic of the girls this weekend!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Still Sick & Now with Wild Hair.

Tonight I paid to have my hair colored. My roots were AWFUL! Like an inch long and totally infested with WHITE hair. It's terrible. I do not like this part of growing up.

Last night, I went to a friend's church (he's the associate pastor there, but his primary focus is the youth). Well, last night they had a true love waits ceremony. It was absolutely incredible. He and his wife asked all the teenagers to dress up really nice (prom dresses and decked out suits) and come. Instead of having it in the youth room, the church was decorated for a wedding with a big candalabra. It was just beautiful! All the girls looked so pretty, and you could see all the game those guys were running!!! It was awesome to witness 25 youth really dedicate their virginity and purity back to the Lord. I was very moved.

After church, we went and ate, and I will say that I arrived at the service at 7:00, and didn't get home until 12:30 this morning. We stayed at the restaurant and talked for three hours. It was wonderful. I love bonding, and am excited about visiting this church ALOT more in the coming weeks. I also get to know the A.P.'s wife more -- she is precious. It is so clear to see (having known a few of the girls he dated) what makes her different. She is a little pastor's wife, and it is truly honorable to see how successful they are going to be.

I am still sick. I hate these chewable things I have to take every three hours. They make me gag, but I am suffering through like a brave little soldier. Makes me miss my mom. :(

As far as hair... pick up a brick red crayon, and that's what color it is. In the right like it has a dark purple hue to it... kinda crazy. I'm probably going to put blonde in it shortly.

Work is... work. I don't want to be there because I feel yuck. This is the girls' weekend I've been planning for, and the only part I'm not looking forward to is that I will be driving. I don't want to since I feel bad, and I am not letting anyone else drive the bullet.

Think that's all... I'm tired anyway!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


I don't like being sick alone. Plus, I went out and spent $39.41 at the pharmacy. Yikes! I forgot how expensive it was so be under the weather. I have been exposed to Laryngitis. I managed to avoid an outbreak of bronchitis a few weeks back, but no such luck on this one. :(

Thought I'd share the books I'm reading now:

Speaking in Tongues - John Lombard, Jr. & Jerald J. Daffe

Passion & Purity - Elisabeth Elliot

Celebration of Discipline (25th Anniversary Edition) - Richard J. Foster

These are my 'Bed buddies' so to speak. Inciteful, meaningful words.

Went to dinner with friends, and realized how random I am becoming. Craziness. I am also getting very excited for this weekend!!! Yeah!!!


Redemption: The act of freeing from what distresses or harms, free from captivity by repayment of ransom, to release from blame of debt, to change for the better.

I put together a few of the six definitions for that work from (It's a great site in case you're ever at a loss for words.)

I am at home today; I took a day off.

I talked to my step-brother Billy on the phone today for two hours. I don't believe that he and I have spoken as deeply and for that long in probably twelve or thirteen years. My last few weeks have been about redemption. ALOT of personal redemption. Yes, that is a fragment sentence, but I believe it conveys my point -- I still need redemption. We focus so much on forgiveness, but redemption is just as important. Christ redeemed us. We must redeem each other. I have trust issues that I sometimes allow to invade my judgment and prevent me from freely redeeming people who (I think) wrong me. It's so dumb. I'm working on that. But back to Billy, we both needed redemption -- from each other. We initially started talking about the reunion -- and it traversed into this incredibly deep conversation on what life has dealt us, and how we've dealt with that. Let me say -- some days, I am a scared little girl trying frantically to keep her head above water. Some days, I can breathe a little easy. That is who I am. Who I have become is in response to what I have experienced. Billy asked if I'd ever done drugs, or drank. I kept reiterating to him that who I am was in response to what I had been presented with, also with how I'd watched other react.

Anyway... I'm totally drained.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Thank God For Vacas...

This weekend was SO INCREDIBLY therapeutic. I think I misspelled that, but don't care. Let me back up and say that I am an email and myspace addict. I am... and it's okay. The beauty of vacations is that you can't check it. It was so quiet!

This weekend I went to Florida with my friend D., and we just had the best time. The last time I went to Florida, I was with my favorite person, but my trip wound up nothing like I expected. It wound up being a total disaster. And, since my recent few weeks have revolved around redemption, this weekend was nothing shy of it. I needed vacation redemption. The drive was only about seven hours, but it was good to talk, and listen, and to be able to just be a friend, with no strings attached. I got to play with two of my favorite little people, as they were down vacationing too. I also found out that my FL buddies is close friends with my previously mentioned Florida buddy. It is a small world and it is getting smaller.

Saturday, we went to a birthday party for six year old. It was so much fun. My gift was a Strawberry Shortcake coloring book and a pack of crayons. So, in appropriate fashion, I colored a page. Simplicity is a beautiful thing, and while it was awesome to learn to color inside the lines as a child, I am so thankful that God colors outside of the lines I have drawn for Him in my own life. I am also thankful for the brilliant colors he displays, in friends and loved ones, and everyday blessings that I must constantly remind myself that I am unworthy of. And... regardless of all that, He still loves me as His child, in spite of my sin and frail worthless humanity, and loves me more each day. So color a page the next time you have a chance.

Today was another drive home. Let me back up to say that it was 75 degrees and sunny in Florida on Saturday. I really did not want to leave. It makes me want to look for a job down there!!! Anyway, we drove home today, and had a blast. On the way down and up, we just sang along really loudly with the radio. I never do that anymore. She didn't care if I could sing or not. I was able to share alot of the pain that I have gone through (mostly self-inflicted because I held onto a situation that was not good), but she listened, and gave good advice. She in turn was able to share alot of what she was going through, and I just got to be a friend -- no pretense -- just a set of ears with a compassionate heart to hear her struggles.

On the way down we were listening to old Michael W. Smith, and one of his songs about love (I cannot find the song title right now), but it simply talks about how we have to give it away. It made me think though about how we give it away to people who don't want it, and how angry and frustratated that makes us, and how God must feel. Just a thought...

Well, this week is another busy week, and another weekend I won't be home. I have found a church now that I can truly get plugged into. No more excuses. I am SO excited!!! I have so much I wanted to say, but it is late, and I must go.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

So... here's what been happening since my last, well out-of-nowhere post. Two very close friends, are now going to be parents, one high school classmate was buried, and three people are newly engaged. Valentine's was a little overwhelming for the single girl to say the very least.

But... everything is okay! I am still reading a book which is adamant about passion, purity, honor, and patience. I haven't really prayed for a man that honors me, well, ever. I always prayed for someone to respect and love me, but haven't really prayed for honor. This book emphasizes honor, above respect, beyond loyalty, transcending what I think is appropriate and necessary. I just love it. It also highly encourages the need to be quiet. I have a hard time doing this. I want to vocalize things that I just don't need to. One thing the author mentions is not journalizing feelings so as not to give the Devil a foothold. He can't remind you of something you can't really remember. Hope that makes sense; it did to me. I am notorious for writing in my journal, and rereading it, only resulting in reliving it, or remembering something bad or hurtful. I'm trying to take her advice.

Talked to more 'old' friends (I feel like a Brownie again -- "Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver, and the other is gold".) For the record, I was the most forgetful Brownie in my troop. I was a straight A student, with almost perfect attendance, but I almost always forgot some piece of my uniform. Funny stuff. Back to the old friends... talked to one girl today whom I have not spoken with in nearly ten years. She has a new baby. She is not in the same predicament that I was told she was. It was good to hear. I like learning optimism. I am realizing that I am going to make a lot of mistakes. I can't know every details of every person. I can't micromanage those relationships.

Well... it's late, so I've got to go to bed. Going to Florida this weekend -- Thank God for a vacation!!!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Some days, I allow the inner turmoil to spill out. It's as though I feel everything, yet feel nothing. I become so mechanized that I don't realize what's going on until I wake up, and realize that a week has gone by. Who I am is furiously fighting who I want to be. Sometimes, it prevents me from recognizing myself in the mirror. The hair color changes, the eyes change, the clothes change. It's a morphe, in and of itself. It is at times beautiful, and at other times, completely and totally terrifying.

The last year of my life has been an incredible roller coaster. I once penned the love is like a roller coaster -- it takes you to heights you never dreamed, and depths that you never imagined. I just "numbed" out this year -- for reasons that I cannot begin to explain. Just as everything else, that has great consequence, for which I wake up everyday and face. It is hard. Not waking up, but waking up to face it all again. I want the consequence to just go away, and it won't. It can't, simply because I am just now beginning to let it go.

There has been a lot of death in this last week. Three to be exact. Lives that were all taken so briefly. I thought today about those who are going to mourn the dead in service and how that I pray desperately for something to be said reiterating that there is NO LIFE outside of Christ. This is our wake-up call. We are not promised today. This is no new revelation. But, let's be honest -- unless we intentionally remind ourselves, we do forget that we are not promised tomorrow. We preach about it, but only in brief times are we really faced with our own mortality. Maybe I am alone. If so, maybe it was for me. Last Sunday, I was at my Mom's church and the pastor showed the clip where Christ was beaten in the coluseum -- where he was beaten and bruised for my iniquity, where he took the blow for my life. He died for my friend, but did my friend really know Him? This makes me so heartbroken. I did something today that I don't think I've ever done. I really earnestly prayed for my classmates, both in high school and in college. Even in Mecca, we take for granted that he died for us. We are so complacent and pacified that we forget. Bible studies, socials, get to gethers, and cheap words are our worthless substitute. It's just sad.

So,... I have trust issues. I've known this deep in my heart, but don't verbalize it. Some of my friends know, but they have no idea of the depth. The man that I loved the most, I never trusted. I also checked up on him, kept my eyes watching every move. I never just closed my eyes, and took a deep breath and trusted. I justified my distrust by what I found. Granted, there are reasons, but none can justify my lack of trust. In a round about way, my own distrust distrusted me. I am honestly terrified to let anyone in. It's easier to keep people at arm's length than to just trust them. To trust and know that they will fail me, and that it's okay, and that life goes on. I don't do that. I always am working on a back-up plan. I often envision how converstations will go, and in the roll play of my mind, I have different scenarios, and then different reactions for each scenario. I will admit that 99% of the time, the actual situations don't go that way at all. I would say 100%, but I would like to believe that one has actually gone my way. I don't trust myself too. I rationalize my own intuition (to my detriment), and just wind up hurting myself.

So... I'm a little transparent right now. Oh yeah, and I'm really shy... an introvert who is scared that she'll never change, and force myself into being an extrovert, or at least letting people think I am. There's goes a mask...

Sunday, February 12, 2006

(Thanks to the weather channel). This is NY. My brother is getting to experience this right now, and I am quite jealous.

Something that I do not envy is that he just got off of work. Yeah,... that's not for me. He's working 80 hour weeks. I am in much prayer for him.

So... the reunion meeting went well, much to my surprise. I think I talked too much, but that was out of both nervousness and excitement. I will try to not be so "Chatty-Patty" next time. On my drive home Friday night, I found out that a classmate that I had just talked to was found dead at his home. I bawled the whole rest of the way home. It was just too much to handle all at once. I wanted to attend the funeral, but still haven't heard details, and I can't get off of work on Tuesday. If his service is Wednesday, I may very well make the drive down. As far as the reunion goes, I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

One guy that we graduated with that I really haven't spoken to in ten years except for these last two weeks, has been so kind to check on me, and let me know that he's keeping a look out for classmates. This is the part I love!

Other than that, my weekend was fun. Got home early today in case the weather was bad in Georgia, because I know that Southerners don't drive well in snow. I am also still in awe of Dick Cheney accidentally shooting his hunting buddy, and Michelle Kwan dropping out of the Olympics. Not much else really to tell! But, I am praying for blizzard here. I could use a day off!!!

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

I have had a very "poopy" week. I'm not hormonal for obvious reasons anymore.

I think this little cartoon is just the cutest thing. B. is coming over to work on his resume. My friend may soon be an ESPN camera man. I'm very proud of him for working feverishly to make his dreams come true.

Work has been busy. I had my first training class today (I am enrolled in a seminar called Leaders for Life). They make you take the DiSC test... if you've taken it, please share your results. Well... as it turns out, I am two totally different people. It's the craziest thing, and I don't mean in an unhealthy way. It's just... very interesting. At home, I am a CD, and at work I am an SI. Broken down very simply, I am a dominator at home, calculated and try to keep things in order, and very unwilling to change. At work, I am more relational (I mean SIGNIFICANTLY more relational), and more trusting, and more prone to change. I was really floored by the findings. There were alot of other surprises. It's funny how you know who you really are down deep inside, but you don't let anyone else see that. Well... this little test fully exposed me. Oh well. Maybe it's time for the masks to come down.

Haven't had much time to work on reunion stuff. Feel kinda bad though, like I should be doing more? I did call a few catering places, to get estimates. Tomorrow, I need to call around to a few more places. I am very nervous about this weekend. We'll see.

Sunday, February 5, 2006


This weekend I went home. Here's a recap: Friday night, went and saw a friend and her new baby. Interesting conversation. Saturday, time with Mom... then went and ate dinner and hung out with my best friend. Sunday, went to church, time with Grandparents, drove home.

I think my hormones have just been whack this week. I mean.... fo'shiizzy whack YO. It's been terrible. I have been tense about stuff that I have no reason flipping out about. I obsess. I found my high school yearbook and actually looked at it. The most random thing caught me off guard: in my senior portrait, I have on virtually no make-up. I mean, almost non-existent. But then, I really started looking. I started reading things, and looking at people. And then, my conversation with my BF. It was in the most random place, but has to be one of the most therapeutic things in a really long time. (I am probably misspelling every other word, but I don't care right now... btw.)

Anyway... I needed to hear every word she said. When I see these people, they are going to see who I am now... 100%.

Gotta run...

Thursday, February 2, 2006

... so Todd is in charge of ...

I can't remember now how many times I've thrown that into conversations in the last week. In the week of collecting info for my high school reunion, I have to say that tonight has been the most fun I've had. It is presently 11:24, and I have been sitting at my computer working since about 7:50 tonight. Probably doesn't seem like much.. but tonight I got the breakthrough!

I found an email for a friend from band, who said he would send me a few addresses. I have come to understand that what that actually means is: "thanks for calling, I'll see you at the reunion". Fortunate for me... my friend P. came through. He gave me four addresses, which gave me two more... total of six. Then, I broke down and called every entry of a particular last name until somebody answered the phone. I am relentless, and it paid off. A lady answered the phone, and I asked for a person, and she giggled and said, "well, that's my grandson", so I told her why I was calling, and who I was, and she and I chatted for quite a few minutes, and she gave me two phone numbers. So, I called her grandson, and I talked to his wife (very funny) for a few minutes, then talked to him for almost 40!!! He gave me names and parents' names of seven classmates. He said, and I quote "it's funny that you're calling cause I know you're white! But regardless, I can help you out, and what I can't find, my Mama can". So, the moral of the story, Mama's are the Greatest Source of Information ever. I called one Daddy, four Mama's and a Grandmama tonight. But the best part... the guy gave me a name for one girl (Holly... it's Kenya Beasley)... and I talked to her for an hour. I am sad to say that I don't ever remember having a conversation with her in high school, but we had so much fun on the phone, that I think we are going to try to meet up here soon! She works in WP at the only place to work in WP, and she found out that I know TONS of people there! Then... the sweetheart that she is,... gave me ten phone numbers. After we got off the phone, I talked to another classmate that is now a physical therapist, and has done very well for herself. It's so nice to hear that everyone is doing good. I just had a blast tonight. And... drumroll please... I have info on 100 classmates. Nobody cares about that except me. Besides finding them, it has just been so much fun talking to them. I know that there are people who don't like me, and are never going to change, and from the depth of my heart, it's okay. It's their loss. I don't say that haughtily, but ... fact is, that it really just is their loss. But the ones who have been kind -- it will truly be exciting to see them!

I have also determined that the D-R-A-M-A will be overshadowed by people who are geniune, and have been looking forward to this for a while. And those girls will always be Drama Queens. And I... fall right into their little traps. :) Here's something to look forward to finally changing in the next ten years.

Work... has been boring. I am going to file my taxes tomorrow. I intended to try and do them myself tonight (for the FIRST time ever), but am just too tired.

JM is exhausted in CT. He is working 75-hour weeks. I keep suggesting that he send money to his sister in Tennessee. I could always start a scholarship fund... or color my hair. Whichever one floats my boat!

Well, it's 11:38, and I think I should just get off of here! Later!