Tuesday, January 31, 2006


This is definitely not my strongest virtue. If I would just be patient, things would happen. I was flipping out last night about some stuff, but all is cool... or it was when I got to work this morning. I just need to be patient. I want to go on record. I think my friend Holly is the only one that reads this and is relevant, but my goal is to be an Indian in this reunion,... not a chief. I want to make that clear. I don't want to be trampled on, but I am volunteering for this. I talked to someone tonight who said that there were already too many indians, and that one person in our group brought the "culture". She's the black girl. Okay... it's 2006 -- I forget that people still actually make those remarks. Anyway... D-R-A-M-A.

Other than that, today was really good. I had a productive day at work. I think Jason has P.M.S. because he was so hateful today. Lord Bless him.

I started re-reading Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliott in honor of End of the Spear being in theaters. It really inspires me to want to write a book. I know we need another random book, but I want to share. Sort of like Running with Scissors, but more about Jesus. She shares some beautiful quotes in there. I highly recommend it.

And for the record, I drank 8 glasses of water today. I figured by 3:30, that if anything was still left, I was gonna let it stay in there. I went to the bathroom like 10 times in eight hours. But, it's good. :) Yeah!

Monday, January 30, 2006

Affirmation & SPAM

Can I just go on record that I hate spam mail, but the completely absurd titles make me laugh. Tonight, my parents cable internet was hooked up. So, I went and cleaned out their email (via internet). They had 9841 messages. Holy freaking Cow. As I go to clean them up I came across one title that I just couldn't help but share. "Skinny Granma Freaks for you". I mean... really, are spammers that desperate now? Yowsa.

I love Tony Lucca. Thanks to the Mickey Mouse Club. He has such a beautiful voice, earthy, a little raspy, right to the soul... Here's a few favorite words from "So Long"

It's so easy for you to say...
It's so easy for you to say...
Seems It's so easy for you to say...
Goodbye... goodbye.

Something is wrong with my emos because I am in need of much affirmation today. Kinda sucks. I just seem to be real needy today. And, I kinda got let down. Don't know why I'm freaking out about junk, because let's be honest... I can't tell you what relevance my trivialities have to do with problems in the world. They are my angst coming out in full force.

I also believe that I am getting picky about one thing -- directness. I am the world's worst at this, but lately other peoples' lack thereof has just driven me bonkers. Like, I hate when I ask a friend where they wanna go to dinner, and they stand there for ten minutes saying I don't know... then say "You pick".... I throw out a few choices, one of which they agree to... then decide enroute... "No... I'm really craving _____". This is making me crazy. As my Mom would say "POOSH and POOSH". Thank goodness for made up words that don't hurt peoples feelings and instead make them laugh at their extreme ridiculousness.

I love big words. I am a member of like three dictionary clubs. I think everyone's vocabulary needs a little bit extending.

Didn't work out tonight. I was very bad. Did find out that one of my friends is fighting the good fight to get skinny. Even got a trainer. Yeah for her! That may be an investment for my tax money. We'll see.

I was on the phone with one of the aforement classmates, and I think I cut her off by accident too. Whoops.

Okay... rambling complete. Nite Nite.

Sunday, January 29, 2006


You would think that since I haven't written anything in a week, that I haven't been home. Yep... not even close to the truth.

Turns out the problem with my car was... (drumroll please) BRAKE DUST. I rented a car, took four hours off of work... for brake dust. Sad times. Actually, I am thankful that God is my master mechanic, and takes care of my car everyday. I was frustrated and a little embarassed though.

This week has been a little crazy. I rejoined the Y. I am going to get in shape. I bought the Biggest Loser workout DVD, but haven't turned it on yet. I'm a little scared. If I turn it on, I will actually have to do it. Struggles.

This week I heard from my high school class president. Therefore, in an attempt to not look like a complete failure, I am working very hard to get addresses together. I am proud to say that I have accomplished quite a lot in a short amount of time. The only frustration, and yes, I think it's called that, is having left messages for about 20 people, and no one calling me back. It's a little exasperating. I know it's temporary. Plus, for every five I call, one answers, and gives me heads up on five others. My search is not futile. I just set my sights too high. I have broken down and called a few parents though. In the event (YOU) will not answer your phone, surprise, surprise... your Mama will. Thank God for parents. It's been incredibly interesting talking to these people too. We ask the same questions... we share the same answers. I am preparing myself to be asked 240 times (I've already knocked out 20) the infamous questions "Are you married?" to be followed by "Do you have kids?". I would like to answer with this -- No, I'm not married yet. I don't have any kids, drugs habits, visits to rehab or jail, problems with alcohol, or ex-husbands. I would also like to say it wearing a size 10... (if you know me, that's a big deal)... with a smile on my face. All sarcasm aside, I get excited seeing everybody just thinking about it. I can't believe it's been ten years. My life is not as exciting as I am sure others are... for instance, we had one classmate who is in California making it as a filmmaker... so, while my life is boring in contrast, I am so thankful for what I have. It's my life, and I am surprisingly proud of it. I don't want to come across as condescending or uninterested because if I was, I would not be investing any time in this. I hope that anyone I speak with sees that I am geniunely interested. I am trying to prepare myself for those who do not, even to this day, want anything to do with me. I am trying to get over it now,... so that I don't get hurt again when I see them. The best I figure, it's been ten years, and with the exception of two or three people, I haven't bothered anybody. On top of that fact... I am not the same little girl that graduated ten years ago. I have experienced alot of life... good... bad... ugly... wonderful.

Anyway... I'm sure this will be a common theme these next few months, so if you read this, don't expect any less.

Gotta run...

Monday, January 23, 2006

Some people!

Do you ever find that some people just suck at being people? Let me clarify my statement with this: we are human, and infested with sin from birth. We are going to, at various times, just suck for every variety of reasons. The beauty of mercy and maturity is to realize this, and make progress. I will be the first to say, I am notorious for taking one step forward, and two steps back. There. But I find people in and out of my life who just suck and being people. They make a concerted effort to either be mean, or manipulative with, I guess, the surmise that they are either invincible or that everyone else is too oblivious/ignorant to be paying attention. This infuriates me. It infuriates me when I do it, simply because God is a just God, and knows that I need to be humbled and promptly does so. Please don't think my moments of ridiculousness go without some rebuke. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I hate when I get a God 'spanking'. It's even worse though when I feel in my heart and spirit that disappointment.

Anyway... I'm sorry for the soapbox, but this week has been a frustrating week. I did however buy a book that I would like to recommend. It's by Joshua Harris (I kissed dating goodbye) and it's called Sex isn't the problem (Lust is). Definitely recommend it to everyone. To my youth pastor friends -- it's awesome for teens. I also bought a book on Speaking in Tongues by two Lee professors and a C.S. Lewis book The Problem of Pain.

Well... my silver bullet is in the shop tonight. I am sad. I am driving a rental G6. If and when I buy a new car (I have no interest whatsoever), I would like a Buick Rendezvous. I think it's very nice. My goal is a house though, and I know the bullet has a few more miles yet to drive.

Work is going wonderful. I got my first review back today. I work for one person, but we directly report to two other Big-Wigs. My review went well, but what made it even better was that these two big guys have both spoken with my manager about how well I mesh with the department and the energy I bring, and how they enjoy my being apart of the team. This is not a brag session, but after getting fired -- this is a big step. God is merciful to me far beyond my wildest dreams -- All the time. Also, my mom is doing much better. The therapist made her lay on a table and pushed her arm all the way back to the table. While she described how excrutiating the pain was, we are quick to rejoice in the fact that she is getting better ALL THE TIME. Everyday is better. Thank God for her healing!

Oh,... one last thought... yesterday was Sanctity of Life Day and the 33rd Anniversary of Rowe v. Wade. 46 million babies have been killed. That's the equivalent of like seventeen or eighteen U.S. states. As our keynote speaker pointed out, it's now a new 'leg of the race', and we must continue to fight harder than ever. I encourage you to get involved with your local pregnancy care center if you can.

Nite nite!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Fun Weekend...

So, I had a good weekend. Let me rephrase that... I had a nice Saturday. This weekend was induction stuff. Four years later... yes, I still go. Yes, it is sad and I realize that. Never again. Friday, I took off of work. I had lunch with him. It was weird. Nothing else to say. Friday night, my friend Steph came down and stayed with me. She inspired me to clean my house. She should really visit more often!

Today, we had a baby shower for another friend of mine. This picture is her belly. I haven't seen anyone be so tiny during a pregnancy that I can ever remember. All her weight has shifted into her belly. She's so skinny. (My new catch phrase to my smaller sized friends is that "they threw up the skinny girls inside. I keep eating mine I think. I've never wanted to be a bullemic so bad.) Anyway... we had a total blast catching up and laughing. She got some wonderful gifts, including a jogging stroller. I got a big kick out of that because my friend doesn't like to walk, much less run. She kept explaining that the stroller takes curbs better. I can only imagine (as I told her) that her children will have whiplash from her 'jumpin' the curb'.

I went to the bookstore and bought a few books too. I have several I haven't read, but I can't get into them. You know some books don't appeal because they aren't in season. Someone explained that to me one. It's like fruit. You don't eat it off the vine when it's not finished. Kinda the same thing with books.

Also, I am a TOTAL MYSPACE ADDICT. There really should be a twelve-step.

I'm also deciding about whether or not to begin preparing for a 5K. I realize that doesn't seem like a big deal to some, but for the lady who's way out of shape, this is Huge. I'm really thinking I want to do it. Besides, I need a goal.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

So, I can't figure out how to upload a photo on my profile. I re-dyed my hair tonight. The girl that trimmed it -- well, my right side is longer than my left side. I am laughing now because at 27, you'd think I'd pay attention to these things. Oh well. And Yeah for the Biggest Loser. If you don't watch that show... you are missing out. Fat people everywhere should be paying attention; I am. I have lost four pounds since Jan 1. Yeah!


Somedays... I definitely feel more neurotic than others. I often question my internal instinct. Am I paranoid? Or are my instincts telling me that something is awry? Ridiculous as it sounds, I am relieved to find that I am not crazy or paranoid and that whatever internal mechanisms and controls are working overdrive are in fact NOT working overdrive in vain.

I want to share the dream that was shared last night at a bible study. (I go to two -- one on Tuesday and another on Thursday). The important part of the dream was that the guy (who had the dream) was riding in a small sports car through the hills of England. The car was gaining speed rapidly and (the dreamer) remembers hanging on to the side and glancing frequently at the speedometer seeing that it was in fact 'in the red'. The driver is talking and looks over at his passenger and says "You don't think I'm in control?". The car continues to accelerate as they travel, now steeper into the mountains. It begins to rain. The passenger notices leaves on the side of the road and assesses that the road may be slippery. He holds on tighter. The driver again looks at him and says, smiling "You don't think I'm in control do you?". The driver slams on breaks and pulls up the emergency break. The passenger/dreamer wakes up.

We talked about control last night. How we view God. This dream spoke volumes to me. I am not afraid to ride, but I am fearful that the one who is driving is only concerned with themselves, not with me. I know I have trust issues. Amazing and sad that I know God has GREAT things for me, and yet, I can't relinquish control of the stupidest things. I can't put stuff down long enough to listen to what He has been trying to tell me. No, this is nothing new to me. Irregardless, I still come back to this. A matter of control. How can I still doubt the Sovereign creator who I visibly see Bless people all the time? Why am I still afraid that He is oblivious to what I want and need? And... why do I keep wanting to help him out? I mean, seriously, he's God. You would think I would stop by now.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday -- an old contemporary Christian song, but I love the lyrics of the chorus and am quickened by them every time. They go like this:

Sometimes He calms the storm,
with a whisper "Peace be still".
He can settle any sea;
but it doesn't mean He will.
Sometimes He holds us close,
and lets the winds and waves roll by.
Sometimes He calms the storm,
and other times He calms His child.

It's hard for me to say, but I realize that He is not going to calm the storm. I've begged him to dissipate it, but the storm is necessary to wash away the old and prepare me for the new. Instead, God is working to calm me.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Today... was... eventful. Two emails from him. I don't want to ignore him, but let's be honest folks -- I'm so weak, it's ridiculous. So... I waited two hours and then responded. Que Sera. (Did I spell that right?)

All that aside, my day was just busy with work stuff. In my attempt to be more "sticktoative", I told my friend M. that I would come visit her and I did. I tell her I will visit all the time, then don't call for like four days. I get these little messages "Jenn, are you dead? You should call." Funny. But, we had a good time just hanging out. She's going to help me get my six pack abs. If I get them, I will post pictures. Wonder if you can mail order them? Hhhmmm...

I found a REALLY old friend on myspace. I saw him like three years ago at the AU/UT game, where Tennessee was shamefully beat. Prior to that, it had probably been seven years. This is why I love myspace.

On to other things...

I'm reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore, and the chapter I read last night dealt with spiritual hunger/soul hunger. In essence, how our bodies tell us that we are physically hungry by our stomach's growling, our change in behavior, our physical stature, getting weak, irritable, et al... and that while we respond to it by feeding it -- how do we in turn hear our souls growl? Are we even in tune enough to hear it growl? How do we recognize what it's growling for? I mean... I know when I am crazing chicken salad from Jenkins, or Chicken and wild rice soup from Panera, but how can I tell when my soul is crazing alone time with God in prayer, or the need to read God's word for an answer? Just thought I'd share that.

So, my prayer becomes, "Lord... in light of my flailing humanity, help me to decipher what my spirit and soul and are in need of. Help me to be attentive and discerning in what my soul is lacking, whatever it may be."

I'm trying to read one other book right now - Celebration of Discipline by Richard J. Foster. I did discover that I can't read fiction because I dream about it. I read two John Grisham novels (that is my reading weakness kiddies) and had dreams about espionage and GPS tracking devices being placed in my shoes so that "THE MAN" knows where I am at all times and can hunt me down. Not cool to think you woke up Italy only to discover your small cottage is really your two-bedroom duplex in Cleveland. Kinda kills the fun.

It's way past my bedtime... Peace out.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

This is just too funny. I thought I was the STUFF.

Ha ha ha kiddies!

I'm finally doing this on a better site. I love it. I love to blog. It's like AA without the alcohol. Ahh... it feels good again.

Enough on intros. My weekend was eventful, yet uneventful. Didn't do anything. Just think. I spent a lot of time thinking. I do way too much of that to be healthy. I re-setup a myspace account. I will not let him win. It's time to be the big girl and stop being a coward. But, in my defense, I had a totally weak moment. It's hard when you love somebody to just not lose your sense to be rational. I mean,... if I'd thought about it rationally, I would have never deleted it in the first place. But, as I told my friend L., I am not known for making wise "relationship" decisions.

This weekend I did manage to find a lot of old pictures... including one that I hope I will be able to post on here. The are great. And my myspace has one of my grandmother with good ole COG hair... "the higher the hair, the closer to God". Her pic totally explains why we think she has the hotline number.

While I'm on... goals for '06:

1) Buy a house. (I am seriously looking and would like to have one by June. I have already found a few that interest me.)
2) 20 pounds. Totally realistic. I wear my blue "Biggest Loser" shirt to inspire me. I have even been to the gym this year ALREADY.
3) A date. Yes... I believe it's time.
4) Get deeper with Jesus. No explanation needed.
5) Visit friends that I haven't seen in a while. I've gotta get on the stick with this one.
6) A REAL vacation. Preferably someplace tropical. Or Cali... I could visit R. & Y. and vaca at the same time.

It's late and that's all I can think of. Peace out.