Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Today is my 33rd birthday… HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

So let me tell you a little bit about 32.

If I had begun my 32nd year knowing what it would hold, I would have never believed it, never in a million years.  I would have thrown my head back, laughed deeply (and possibly loudly) and thought I was dreaming.

But it really happened.  And it's been beautiful, and wonderful, and heartbreaking, and inspiring.

This has been 32:

I traveled to the other side of the world.

I realized how much my heart belongs to God alone.

I loved.

God brought a sweet, completely unexpected family into my life that have shattered my misconceptions about what love really is, and how much I had to give away. (READ: more than I even dared to dream)

All my sweet Resonate babies.  (They aren't babies, but I adore them to no end.)

I sat under the stars in the most gorgeous place on earth, and just breathed deeply.

I held a little boy in my arms and just loved on him for no reason.

I've watched a few friends fulfill their dreams.

I cleaned out more bugs than I could have ever imagined, and realized that I would do it 10,000 times again.

I watched one of my best friends, marry her best friend, and got the chance to stand beside her.

More babies have been born this year than I can count, and many more to come.

I got a diagnosis that validated that I wasn't fruit-loops, and has some AWESOME side effects.

It sounds corny, but I did not realize how much I wasn't giving of myself, until this year presented itself.  This year was less about waiting for a husband, and more about realizing that I needed the chance to love deeply, passionately, and selflessly in a capacity that I didn't even know was capable.  I am so much more amazed as God's grace this year.  I understand in a new light how much HE loves me, and that it's more than a calling to love others.

When I go to write my 2012 word, I will probably rehash this point, but my 2011 was all about being intentional.  I don't know how I could have possibly gotten any more intentional this year without bursting at the seams.

I am so thankful for my family that loves me just for me.

I'm thankful for friends that are life blood.

I am thankful for a church family that is more than just church.

I'm thankful for a job that helps support all my hobbies.

I am grateful and indebted to coworkers who keep me sane and push me to be better.

I am thankful for God's amazing, abundant, lavish grace and mercy.  More than I can comprehend or spend in one day…

And is that's been 32, then 33 …. Here I go!!   :)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

personal care.

I feel like I need to be light-hearted.  I went back and read the last few posts, and it appears that I have lost my funny bone!  (This is totally not the case.  I make ME laugh daily, and either my coworkers are just kind, or they're laughing along with me too.)

But I'm sitting here trying to think of something that is funny, and I can think about is what happened yesterday.

I am intrigued, on a regular basis, at things we do as women, to "maintain".  Regular visits, shaving, tweezing, straightening, bleaching, frosting, texturizing, shadowing, layering, coordinating, and accessorizing – all in an effort to impress somebody else, or the collective somebody's.  And sometimes, we do it because it's just the thing we're supposed to do.

(Warning – this may be TMI – you've been advised.)

Yesterday was a Girlie Doctor Visit day.  I would honestly rather be SHOT AT than endure that visit even though it only takes like 3 minutes.  Yes, I realize that most of it is preventative, but still.  BLECH.  I put it off as long as I can.  

I feel like a woman's body (especially her intimate parts) is a roadmap of sorts.  Some girls are the Indy 500 track.  A few are the Autobahn.  Some of us are drying up like a pathway through the Sahara. Some of us are surrounded by terrible landscaping.  And some of us need to be repaved.

 And maybe I'm a weirdo, but I don't like everybody seeing my roadmap, you know?

Plus, I always get tickled when I have to visit this Dr.  I mean, where else (besides a family holiday gathering) can all your failures in life be condensed into one room?  Oh you're single? (As you're being started at the by the young guy across the room.)  Oh you're childless? (As the very pregnant lady across the aisle eyes you like a holiday turkey.)  (In her defense, sometimes it's hard to tell if her expression is pity or envy.  Totally depends on the size of the ankles and her levels of morning sickness.)  Oh, you're really childless? (Silently says the pregnant mother while her three kids under 4 run around the waiting room like banshees.)  THEN… when you walk into the actual room, the nurse will ask you a litany of questions that are a balance between "Are you a whore ?" or "I've never met a 30-year old virgin ".

And to think… most of us do this under the guise of preventative care.  I don't want any type of cancer and so I know it's good, and should be necessary.  But I can't help but laugh hysterically at the set up of it all.

That is until the nice doctor accidentally pokes my cervix so hard that I fly off the table.  Dear Really Nice Dr that I will visit again, my cervix should not be mistaken for a dart board at a pool hall.  Thanks.

Good times I tell ya'… good times.


Monday, October 31, 2011


What an interesting month October has been!!!  Because my blogging has been so inconsistent, I have not captured all the things that started this year, and strangely changed in October.

In July, I got so overwhelmed that my body freaked out on me.  Stress manifested itself in a new way, and I got thrown a curve ball.  I spent the month of August trying to reign things in.

Some of those things are things I've been transparent about.  I don't even want to be one of those people that writes, but writes from a hypocritical perspective.  I have started to write, and promptly deleted posts after getting in, and realizing that I was preaching to the choir.

I've had issues with money as far back as I can remember.  Some people are gifted savers.  I am not.  I struggle with finances on such a ridiculous level.  I've had some amazing seasons of my life where I get out of credit card debt, but only after I become deliberate daily about staying on top of things.  This summer has not been one of those seasons!  But I am determined to get things back on track.

Lately, my friends have been nicknaming months -- Janky July, Snatchy September, Oh-no-You-Didn't October.  It's funny only because it's been indicative of the month.

But I?  I am taking November as New November. 

One of my favorite scriptures, and one commonly referred to at the beginning of the year is: 

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

So, I'm taking November as new.  I'm going to do some NEW things... like be extra aware of my finances and my relationships and my weight.  I'm reminding myself daily to reNew my mind, but focusing on good things, God's word, and prayer.  

And I challenge you to do the same.

In three weeks, many of us will sit down at our collective tables and reminisce about what we're thankful for...   while I have so many things to be thankful for, I want more.  I want New.  I don't want to waste any time anticipating the new year, I want to blast through the remainder of this year with a renewed energy and zest for life.  :)

Out with the old October... in with the New November.


Wednesday, October 19, 2011


had a run-in with my past a few weeks ago.

I do not mean that I sat down and reflected on my past.  I mean, I actually had to be in the same room with him for the first time in years.  It was very strange.

For a fleeting moment, I thought about how well I knew that person.  And then it occurred to me that I know so little about who that man is today, and how little he knows about me.

It took me a long time to stop thinking about him.  As women (in this type of circumstance), one of the hardest things to get over is thinking that we are forgettable.  Especially when it comes to people we love, either platonically or romantically -- as though the impression (I've made) was a complete waste of time.  

When my world fell apart five years ago, I (mostly) opted for silence, except to those closest to me.  I did blog a little but never in a way that I felt gave me any kind of closure.  (For the record, closure – and the wanting thereof – is dumb.)  I was broken and hurt, but in a different way.  I was angry.  A few months later, he emailed me and I had a chance to speak my mind if for nothing else, but to take away the fear and the shame. I no longer had to be afraid of this person.  They'd made a choice that I didn't want, but had to live with anyway.

When you are 2:2 in relationships, you have to determine that You are the common denominator.  Admitting that to myself did not come easily, but it did come.  I made decisions in the moment to step back and analyze, re-evaluate things, and not do anything drastic.  I was known for constantly changing my hair.  In the heat of my life changing, I made myself a 90-day promise – to not change my hair.  I needed something to be constant, something I could control, and that became my thing.  If in that 90 days any situation changed, then my 90 days started over.  I wound up not cutting my hair for over two years.  When I finally did cut my hair, it was cathartic.  It was finally letting go.

So much has happened in the last five years.  I cannot ever imagine [him] being a part of any of it.  To think that I ever held on to [his] opinion (and held on for so long) is silly and small. When I tell people that I know what God's grace looks like, it's  realizing what my life is NOT, and how blessed I am that God spared me (or closed the door in front of me) from that.

"This is what I know: we're all a volume on the shelf at the library, a story unto ourselves, never possibly described with one word or even very accurately with thousands…we are thickly layered, page lying upon page, behind simple covers. And love – it is not the book itself, but the binding. It can rip us apart or hold us together. A book is worthy of a strong embrace, but, too, you must be gentle with one. Careful in whose hands you put it. Layers, by their nature, are fragile things." – Deb Caletti

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Why yes, I have missed you too....

I really have lost my ability to write.  It's so sad. I used to write early in the morning.  I seem to have clarity at that time each morning.  Also, I'd like to think I'm the funniest.  Unfortunately, I am not able to write at that time each day (SADNESS) and I haven't invested energy in finding another time that works for me consistently. 


With that said, I feel like 4,287,301 have happened in my life that I really have not updated you on.  Right now, I have no idea what literary continuity would look like, so short paragraphs will have to cut the proverbial mustard for today.  :)

·        At the end of July, my church had a family VBS. SO MUCH FUN.  Three long days of hard work, but it gave me chance to see a different side of my church peeps (I love that they are multifaceted) as well as get to work directly for our super fun Children's Pastor.

·        I have a 16-year old at church that hits on me.  It's the funniest thing.  I point out (frequently) that I am old enough to be his Teen Mom.  I'm claiming that his sweet words are preparing me for how God wants my husband to treat me.  After FX (Family VBS), this guy left a comment on my facebook wall that said:

"The Word says, "Give drink to those who are thirst, and feed the hungry", how 'bout dinner?"  

I kid you not, I STILL laugh about that.  BEST. PICK-UP. LINE. EVER.

·        My friend Danielle got married on August 21.  Her wedding, (in spite of some feelings that crept up in me that I still can't rationalize), restored my faith in weddings.  In spite of the fact that I've been to 100+ weddings in the last decade, I'd gotten to the place where I felt like I didn't deserve one.  That sounds dumb, because it is.  Danielle was GORGEOUS, and I got my make-up done professionally, including false eyelashes.  I wish I could wear them everyday.  They're so fun!!

·        My fabulous college friends and I had our FOURTH reunion in as many years.  My dear friend Mike got engaged to his sweetheart Kristin and I am so stinkin' excited for them!  We had so much fun that weekend.  It never ceases to amaze me that even though we see each other once a year, we never miss a beat.  I love those people with my whole heart.  It's precious to see my friend Mike so happy and in love!  He's dated some interesting girls, but Kristin is the best!!!  So glad to welcome her and her son into the family!!

·        I'm officially leading high school Sunday School/Discipleship.  These teenagers crack me up.  We had 19 this past Sunday morning.  I can't wait to see what all God is going to do with them!!!

·        I got my second (and probably final) tattoo this past weekend.  It says "My Beloved" in Arabic, and it's directly below my first one.  I'm not going to lie… this thing HURT like a mug!!  It's still hilarious to me that I pulled my pants down and let some guy draw on my lower hip, and paid him!  Also, the running joke is that I have a UN Peace Treaty on my butt.  The friend I went to visit in Jordan was stateside for a few weeks and checked the language for me.  I love it, honestly.  I'm a teensy-weensy bit sad that my inks aren't in places that people can see regularly, but there's still such a stigma to tattoos.  

·        I've been think about Jordan a LOT these past few weeks.  As corny as this seems, I still can't believe I went.  I still can't believe I experienced it.  If it weren't for the pictures, I don't know if I'd believe it's real.  But with that said, there is something about it that I ache for deeply.  I miss Jordan.  

I know I have some funny stories, but they aren't coming to mind right now.  But this is what's been happening.  My life is full and fun and busy.  I don't get to see the babies as often as I'd like, but it's a season and I just have to be thankful for this season, instead of wishing it away.  It's also college football season (ROLL TIDE!). I'm moderating my addiction to Pinterest by devoting 5 minutes when I can, so that I don't feel guilty for missing something.  I'm trying (for the umpteenth time) to stick to a plan.  I envy people who can!  

I'm also rambling.  As you were…


Wednesday, August 31, 2011

hello darlin'...

it's been a long time, huh? How 'bout a list??  

  • Well... this is my favorite time of year.  Some of my favorite people from college get together to love on each other.  I can't wait!!!!!  Friday can't come soon enough.  :)
  • College FOOTBALL SEASON.  There really is nothing better!!!! SEC!!!!
  • My friends and I are still working with the Mama.  Every time we're with her, we learn something new.  Some things are heartbreaking, some frustrating, and some just sad.  I do not know how long God has us in this season, but I know that what He's doing is amazing.  I'm so thankful that God is preparing my heart!!
  • I love the Youth at my church.  I heart them.  Deeply.
  • I like Pinterest, but I do not have the time to dedicate to it. That makes me sad.
  • I'm never at home, and now my friends want to see my apartment.  Can we say "disaster"? :D
  • I got to see my Mama this weekend.  It had been almost three months.  She called me today, sobbing, and it made me want to drive home and hug her.  These are the times it's so hard to be away from her.
  • The other day, I realized I haven't been to the movies in a year.  And there is absolutely no effect on my life.
  • I finally recovered the chair in my living room.  I think I need to buy more of the material and make curtains.
That'll have to do for now.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

things that frustrate me.

Not really sure how I wound up with two days in a row that I could blog but hey... take what you can get.

Right now I'm fighting a gnarly chest cold/bronchitis.  Makes me wanna scream!  But I'm trying to find the sunny side beyond the excessive coughing.  It's in those moments today that I thought about Nathan and had a good 'ole dose o' reality.

Some girlfriends and I are working with a girl here in town.  I've blogged about her kids briefly, but it's not just the sweet babies that we are working with.

Working with the mama has been interesting.  There are so many things, so much wisdom, that my mother imparted in my life that this young woman has never heard.  Of course it's a cycle, because I have no doubt that her mother never some things either.  We are teaching her how to drive, how to clean, and how to use a budget... just to name a few.  There are SOOOOO many things she's never heard or been told.

I'm also working furiously to break the spirit of laziness.  THAT is going to be the task that may break me, but I'm doing everything I can.  It's hard to undo 27 years of laziness.

Last night, we had a driving lesson.  It's hard to teach a 27 year old HOW to drive.  Not to mention... I drive a 10 year old boat.  It's like learning to drive the a pontoon by practicing on the Titanic.  Madness! 

After our driving lesson (which included her 2 year old and 6 month old in tow in the backseat), we headed to our local Chick-fil-A.  The gawking and staring started before we walked in the door.  About midway through our dinner, I went to clean up some stuff the 2-yo had dropped.  I set the 6 mo in the seat and ask the mama to watch him to for a few seconds. 

I bent down to pick up the things and all of the sudden hear this OUTRAGEOUS SCREAMING, "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL THAT BABY!!!! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL THAT BABY!!!! OH MY GOSH!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!"

I look down and the six month old has flexed in his car seat and looks like he's about to slide out.  I scoop him up, and buckle him in.  BUT THE LADY DOESN'T STOP SCREAMING.  I rarely get that embarrassed, but she took me to a whole new level. The entire restaurant had stopped moving to turn around and watch us. 

That is ... more than they were already watching us and whispering.

I can take a lot of stuff, but present day racism and bigotry set me over the edge.  It's 2011.  I'm sitting at a table with a mama and two of her kids and from the looks/stares/comments we were getting, you would have thought I rolled up with aliens with 16 eyes and 7 arms. 

Of course, it unnerved the Mama too.  After that, she got very defensive at every question and comment.  In my heart, I don't know if she realized the full magnitude of how people were acting because she had her back to them.

But I saw.  And I'm struggling to not be angry and frustrated at the open ignorance.

What to do but persevere and press on?  That's all I know.


Sunday, June 19, 2011


I have wanted to write this post for a few weeks but I honestly have no idea how to start.  Any and all grammatical and literary coherence may be completely lost, but that's okay.  :)

Six months ago, a precious friend of mine started couponing.  My friend J. encouraged and taught all of us to coupon.  In my heart, I started couponing to 1) save money and 2) be able to "bless my family in a way that was financially smart and give back a smidgen of what they'd given me.  Over the course of the first few months, we (all) discovered that one of the cashiers we interacted with had been a high school classmate of J.'s.  They really didn't interact and the cashier had assumed (for quite a few years) that J. was snooty.  (Very much not the case.) J. began talking to this cashier and inviting her to church.  Cashier informed us all of her large family -- she is 25, with 3 kids -- ages 3, 2, and 4 months.

sidenote: it was at this point that we all realized this was not some chance meeting.  It's so funny how God does things when you least expect it and in ways that you least expect.  Such is God.  and THANK GOD.

I would love to put more details of cashier's life on the Internet, but I just can't... Her story is her story and I'm not going to detract from it.  She's a statistic of sorts.  If God doesn't move in a mighty way, her children will probably be statistics too. 

Again, I want to tell you SO much more, but that's not the story... at least not for me.

In a way that I never imagined, God put three of the sweetest, funniest, snuggliest kids in my life and the lives of my girlfriends. 

I know this is a crazy, broken-up blog post.  Such is the state of my heart.

I've never in my life considered adoption.  Different people are called to amazing things, but adoption has never been on my radar.  But these kids??  They make me want to adopt all the children of the world. 

My heart has never been shattered into so many pieces.  And for the life of me, I can't tell you how God is supposed to put them back together.  Or what my heart will look like when he does.

I had told my friends many times over the last few weeks that these babies make my uterus hurt.  Every maternal instinct I have is on full throttle.

All I can do is love on these sweet babies.  Kiss their cheeks.  Squeeze them, tickle them, love them.

And they have turned my world upside down.

This is what happens when you sincerely pray for God to break your heart for what breaks His.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011


(please excuse the horrible photography...)

For over 11 years, I've wanted to get a tattoo.

For the last five years, I've occassionally (read: more often than I should) drawn/written the word Love on my arm. 

But this past Saturday, I got it inked on my back.

After this trip to the middle east, I wanted something to commemorate the trip that changed my life and messed me up in an incredible beautiful and wonderful way.

And for me, that meant something permanent!


Sunday, May 8, 2011


I cannot, even still, put into words how much fun and how amazing this trip was for me.

On our final day of travel, we flew over the devastating storms that hit North Georgia & Tennessee.  Within 48 hours, I was diagnosed with Strep & Laryngitis.  Followed by sinusitis, bronchitis, and a gnarly set of cramps.

I'm still not 100% (I'm closer than I was Thursday) but as soon as I get well... I'll be back.  :)


Sunday, April 24, 2011

oh my.

I did not in any way, shape or form, intend to ever be in this place.

And hte part I'm struggling with right now is that I don't want to leave.  Mind you, there are things here that make me nervous.  I call it scared, but I think it's more about being out of my comfort zone than anything.

My poor shattered little comfort zone.  Eek!

Tomorrow, we are going to spend a night in the desert.  After seeing the big city, fast-pace, and middle of nowhere slow pace, I think I like the slow pace part of this land.

I love the honor.  I love that chivalry exists here.

Too bad it's nearly dead stateside.

Although, I did have someone offer a bride price for me.  Too bad no one here needs 10 camels.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

the road.

I have never in my life felt as small as I did today.  My fearless friend and I drove from the Dead Sea to Petra. 

Both the map and a few internet searches indicated that the road was at times, treacherous.  If I'd had any indication of what I was going to see today, I promise you, I would have not gone. 

We got on this small, hardly paved road and drove for about 30 kilometers (about an hour) at a slow speed.  I have never been more afraid in my life of a car breaking down.  My friend (who owes me a hug after I didn't totally freak out and he ultimately rescued me) was so calm on the road.

But that wasn't the best part.  I had the privilege to see a part of the earth today that only a small percentage have seen.  It's incredibly breathtaking, but so outrageously isolated that I'm finding it hard to put together the words to tell you what I saw.

What I can tell you, is how it made feel.  I have never felt so small and so insignificant in my entire life.  To know the brevity that God alone know each crook and hidden place in the magnificence that I saw today is too much for words.  Littered along the highway were Bedouin families.  The isolation they live in is kind of unfathomable to me.  When I return home, I'm going to go back to my apartment alone, sleep in my huge comfy bed alone, and get back to life.

But my problem is that I've seen too much.

I've seen how some people on the other side of the world live, and frankly, I cannot afford to be so comfortable in my spoiled little rich life.  If I'm the woman and the Christian that God has called me to be, I'm going to have to work to not put back on the materialistic blinders that I wear so frequently.

I'm going to have to be different. I AM different. 

There is an older Christian song that includes the following line:

"You make the road rise up to meet me"

Today, more than ever before, I understand COMPLETELY what that means.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011


I know I said I wasn't going to blog,... but I can't help it.

Today, I stood where Moses did and over looked the Promised Land.  I saw where Jesus and John the Baptist were baptized and stuck my foot in the Jordan River.

There is nothing I've done in the last few years that even compares to this.

While on the top of the mountain, I asked God for a really big prayer.  He showed Moses the actual promise and I'm ready to see it in this particular avenue of my life.

I'm ready. READY.

Today was fun... the next week is going to be amazing. 

Never did I even imagine being here... and yet here I am.

I love it!!


Saturday, April 16, 2011


In less than 15 hours, I start one of the most interesting trips of my life. 

I'm normally someone who "makes" stuff happen.  I wish I could tell you that things always fall into place, but I've discovered that more often than not, "thing" need some assistance to go the right direction.

By those "things", I'm referring to a few failed relationships because making things happen takes out both the spontenaity and fluidity of relationships.  So basically they all blew up in my face and I have no one to blame.


But I can say with complete confidence that my adventure had so little involvment on my part that it's left me concerned.  Can I actually trust that God is working out all of the details?

Why yes, Yes I can.

Furthermore, He already has.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine a trip like this.  It was so far off my grid, off my periphery that I still can't believe it's happening.  I'm not fearful, just ridiculously excited.

So, here I am.

My bags are 99% packed (I lack a few things that I'll pick up in the a.m.), and I think I'm ready to go.  I have a nice outfit to wear on the plane because my mother informed me that lately I've been dressing like a slob and to quote her, "Jennifer, you're not traveling with your brother.  You need to look cute".  Ha!  So, Fancy Nancy here has her plane-traveling duds all ready to jetset to the other side of the world.

And in 48 hours, I'll stand where the saints stood.  I'll see things that Jesus saw.  I probably won't be able to process it all, but I'm going to give it a try.

Here I go!!!!


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

an update. Kinda.

I have tried like umpteen thousand time to write a post!!

I've been journaling lately (like writing with a pen in a notebook) and it's so cathartic.  I haven't written like that in forever.  I'd long since traded in my pen and pad for the click-click-click of my keyboard.


I'm on overload preparing for my trip.  I leave in 12 days.  I can hardly stand myself!!

Because of my own safety (and the safety of others), I haven't and won't blog as openly as I might about my trip.  BUT (and that's a big But), I'm on a high of sorts getting ready.  Never in a million years, never in one dream, did I ever envision visiting the country I'm headed to.  Wow doesn't do it justice.


I've found myself riddled with insecurity these last few weeks.  While it makes me sad and frustrated, I know that sometimes we have seasons where we have to struggle so that, when we come out on the other side, we have something to be grateful for.


My life has changed so much -- almost unrecognizably for me -- since December.  Free time is such a luxury, whereas this time last summer? WIDE OPEN.  Ha. 


In my journal as of late, I've been writing "letters" as they were to my kids.  Then I got tickled thinking that my daughter might read my words, unless... what if I have a boy?  My poor future unborn children.  They're going to think they're Mama is kinda nuts.


It's funny to me how, in ever season of my life, God is the same and different. :)


Friday, March 18, 2011

...things that make you go....

  • I'm blessed to be surrounded by people who speak truth in love.
  • I truly believe that I've never been this busy ,... EVER.
  • a sweet friend of mine is now couponing and is bringing us in on the bandwagon.  Hopefully, I'll have a link to her blog too!
  • it's official, I cannot eat jalapenos. 
  • Looks like my Mexican move is not an option.  Hallelujah.
  • I'm getting nervous about my trip!!!!
  • I'm sad that the Bachelor is now over.  I hope that Brad & Emily can work it out!!
  • I'm ticked at CBS for taking Paget Brewster off of Criminal Minds!!!  :(
  • I'm hooked into Survivor: Redemption Island. 
That's all!


Monday, March 14, 2011


I've started like ten posts.

It's not that I have nothing to post, it's that I have so much personal stuff that I don't need to post.

That I need to take to God and pray about instead of overanalyzing.

This is my season of prayer.

On a sidenote:  I got to be "in on" of my besties engagements.  Loved that!  Also, I'm going to the other side of the world in a month.  I'm processing so many feelings about this trip that it is at times, completely overwhelming.

I'm reminding myself that I AM good enough, contrary to the voice on the other end of the voice whose incinuating tone says otherwise.  I'm reminding myself that I am surrounded by people who love me for me, and if ___ can't, then I don't need ___ in my life.  And this time, I will walk away with a clean break.  I'm remembering that you don't need or get closure.  I've been okay without it before and I'll manage again.  I'm reminded that I'm in such a healthy place (in ways that I can't necessarily articulate) that y'all would be as shocked as I am.

Dear Lord, I'm not sure why I fought getting here so much, but I'm glad I am, and I'm thankful that you nearly forced me in!

I hope you all are well.  I pray for those of you that I've conversed with (in one way, shape, or form) daily.  You are in my deepest thoughts and prayers that your lives are richly blessed!!

And one of these days, I'm going to get around to writing a coherent posts and tell you what in the Hoo-Hah is going on.

all my love,

Sunday, February 27, 2011

update: I'm in fact very much alive.

My complete lack of blogging may lead one to believe that I am not busy and am, ergo, boring.

You (whomever you may be) would be completely wrong.  For the last six weeks, I do believe I've been busier than in the last 2 years.  It's overwhelming and crazy and I absolutely love it, although I am completely and totally exhuasted.

With the exception of two or three nights that I can think of since mid-January, I've had something to do every night.  It's wild!!

I'm taking a linguistics class two nights a week (for the REALLY BIG TRIP that I've not devulged yet), I watch the Bachelor and play Wii with some sweet friends one night a week, I help with the youth (which is a job in and of itself) and then my other obligations... friends, work... all that jazz.

This weekend I worked my church's marraige conference by serving with the kids.  Maybe two minutes after I walked into the room, I had a kid puke.  Chunks.  I cleaned it up (because I am a trooper) and ruined my favorite pair of pants with bleach.  I got lots of sweet little hugs.  Changed a few diapers.  Changed a few blow-outs.  Wiped a lot of snotty noses.  Loved on some sweet babies!

After the conference, I spent time with one of my besties. Bought some cute shoes. Got a mani/pedi.

This am wasn't the "win" I was hoping for in discipleship/Sunday School but it happens, and I will persevere.  :)

All in all, I'm so blessed.

And this time tomorrow, I will be able to reveal Big Secret #1.



Monday, February 14, 2011

Hey Let's be friends!

I check my feed stats with an outrageous fervor sometimes and as of late, there has been a frequent visitor from Los Angeles.  Today, I had one from Beverly Hills.


Please leave a comment!!


Sunday, February 13, 2011

weekly recap.

you know you suck as a blogger when you realize that you only blog once a week and each post feels like some kind of recap.

This week, I'm on the verge of quitting Karate.

I'm watching the Grammy's and am totally distracted.

This week, I started a conversational language class at a local community college.  HOLY MOLY.

It's for my trip and woah Nelly at the language barrier.

The new Criminal Minds spinoff premieres this week and Eh.

But Survivor is back.... HOLLA!

Every Monday night, some friends and I get together and play Just Dance on the Wii then watch the Bachelor.  Michelle is cookoo-for-cocoa-puffs strikes me as the kind of girl who would slash your tires and not think twice about it.

CeeLo's outfit at the Grammy's so was beyond ridiculous tonight.  He stopped in Crazytown. 

My middle schoolers (Sunday school) make me laugh.  Today, in honor of our Chicken dinner fundraiser after church, all 15 of us did the chicken dance in class.  So Super-Duper fun!!

I miss NYC.  I haven't been since October and I'm having withdrawals.

some guy at the grammy's is all BLAH BLAH BLAH.

the "In Memoriam" tributes at awards shows make me CRY.  I did not know these people... WHY AM I CRYING???

This is such a random list of stuff.

Hope you all have a happy Valentine's day!!!!


Monday, February 7, 2011

an open letter.

Dear Person I cannot mention on the blog,

At some point and without my knowledge, my heart gave you a part of itself. I don’t find myself easily intimidated and yet, it’s like I’m 5 years old afraid to talk, needing some kind of affirmation from you. I normally find it easy and natural to be confrontational, but with you? NADA. This is crazy! You make me feel a way that I’ve not felt in a long time, which is both terrifying and exhilarating.

We’re going on a very big trip in a few months. Just me and you. Far far away. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around how any of this happened. The “dumb girl” in me wants to give God the credit, but I don’t know if this is God or me. And God knows that I cannot get a read out of you. You seem excited, I think.

I wish that you knew that I thought you were the “bees knees” of it all. But I’m pretty sure if you knew I felt like this, you would run screaming to the hills and there is just too much riding on this trip. I can’t admit to you (at least not yet) that I can’t go on this trip without you, for more reasons than one. As independent as I consider myself normally, this trip is only illuminating the vulnerability that I reserve for only a few to see.

I cannot put myself in a position to think anything romantic is going to happen on this trip, because that would be setting me up for failure, mentally. But my heart is not getting the memos. My heart is running unabashedly, unashamedly to the places that my head cannot go, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve still not figured how you have a part of my heart when for most of the last few years, I’m pretty sure you’ve not been able to stand me.

Such a dumb girl heart. Oy.

But this is my blog, so I might as well confess. I am so excited for this trip!!! I grin like a fool when I think about it. There may have even been a bit of dancing around the living room. I hope you learn to love me on this trip. Not even in a romantic way (although let’s face it, that would be spectacular!!!), but just for being me. I hope that you see my heart. And if you don’t, I hope you give me back the piece you have so I can move on.


Saturday, February 5, 2011

sadly, this is not an unusual saturday...

Today was a crazy day.

My day started at 3:20AM when I woke up out of a dead sleep to my neighbors SCREAMING at one another.  Expletives and high shreiking were most of what I could hear on one side, followed by my German neighbors on the other jumping up and running across the room banging on the walls.

Just FYI, this is not a good start to a day.

I am too tired to figure out if I've blogged about my neighbors, but Lawdy-Mercy that they have given me stories to tell.  There is some standing saga about trashcans that I'll share for another day, but the bigges has been the incessant and rude banging on the walls.  The Germans (who are actually German's) are in their 60's.  They live on one side of me.  On the other side are a young couple that I'll nickname Sammi & Ronnie from Jersey Shore. 

For forty minutes in the wee hours of the morning, I had to endure crazy.  Ronnie & Sammi were drunk and fighting.  There was also a bald third party that I've never seen before.  Ronnie & Sammi were screaming.  Sammi threw stuff out of the house, including a DVD player that sadly got caught in the crossfire.  Ronnie got out a skateboard and faceplated in the parking lot, then proceeded to lay on the ground for 10 minutes.  The Germans meanwhile carried on a conversation in tones that, of course, were audible through the paper thin walls of my complex.

I wish I could tell you I was amused, but I was not.

I managed to function throughout the rest of my day, having lunch with a sweet friend and then running 15 errands.

by 6:00, I was starved, so I stopped at a local wendy's.

The guy at the first window told me the guy at the second window thought I had a nice voice.  I pull up to the second window and a manager comes to the window and asks if I'm married.

On the top row of his mouth, there is one large tooth.  Not a row of teeth (as there should be), but one large tooth.  Like a giant white chiclet.  And he was licking the chiclet.


Don't you wish your Saturdays were ALL like mine?


Friday, February 4, 2011


i'm struggling to find a blogging voice this week, and I'm not sure why, except that I'm so dang busy!!

Dear Social Calendar, how 'bout we slow down a wee bit??

Or maybe it was around the time that I passed out during karate this week.  Only to awaken to six grown men in full karate garb hovering over me.  Scared and embarrassed the ju-ju out of me. 

Dear body, let's get it together, mkay?  I don't want another "pass out" incident.

Or maybe it's the stuff I'm doing for the youth in my church.  I am honored and blessed to be teaching Sunday School and working on wednesday nights with the kids!  They make me laugh!!  Our youth pastor and his wife are phenomenal and I can't get over the privilege I count it to work with them. 

Or maybe the 15-yr old girl who, as a part of a photo scavenger hunt, got down on the floor of waffle house and sizzled like bacon.

Dear Hannah-Banana, we're doing that okay soon!!

That's all


Sunday, January 30, 2011

freeze frame.

I seriously doubt anyone remembers that song from the 80's, but I helped a friend with a routine to that song (about 10 years) ago, and after rewinding that tape 155 times, I remember the song.

Except for the words.  I just remember the "Freeze frame duh duh-duh duh duh-duh duh duh".

Wow.  Ramble much? Eek.

Anyway, freeze frame is kind of want I want to do to most of my weekend.  Friday night, my "girls" (for lack of a cool term for my 20's & 30's something single gal friends who love Jesus) and I headed to the nearest big city for dinner at a tapas restaurant and some karoake people watching.  The tapas restaurant was eh, (although I should sidenote and say that they did not make me pay for one of my orders because it was yuck, so they're not all bad), so we went on a second scavage for food which ended up at a delightful little donut shop on the north shore.  If you're ever in the Chatty area, you should swing by Julie Darling Donuts.  They're yummy donuts and the wall decor in the bathroom made me happy (read: 1950's material patterns from ButterickLOVE.)

After that, we headed downtown to Sing it or Wing it.  The people watching in a karaoke place is to die for.  Needless to say, we spent four hours laughing our tails off.

Yesterday, I 1) went to waffle house for breakfast by myself and the guy beside me was trying to get all up in my business, 2) hit BAM, 3) hit B&BW, 4) hit Belk's, 5) hit Hobby Lobby, 6) hit Wal-mart all before 1:00pm, and then followed it up with a run.  I had to be at the church at 4:00 for a photo scavenger hunt (our youth broke the fast together), and was completely worn out by 8:30 last night.  But then I headed to a friend's house until 11:30.

I am still worn out.  Oy.

I am getting so much more involved with the youth at my church, and I'm loving these kids!!  They are so funny. 

Today, I taught sunday school, had lunch with friends, came home, only to develop a fever, took a nap, and now I'm blogging while I'm waiting on my hair color to take.

(I am never truly surprised that I'm still single at 32.)

(the only thing that is missing is some knitting.)

(fortunately, I struggled so much with the needles that I gave that up.  Whew.)

So, that was my stellar weekend.  I'm headed to wash the hair color out and get ready for tomorrow. 

Hope you all had a happy weekend!! :)


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

of the HI and of the YA variety.

So, more than a few times in the past, I've chronicled my desire to lose weight. 

I know every woman has insecurities and many of mine are tied directly into my struggle with weight loss.

WELL... there is a little topic that I've only hinted at which involves me going on a BIG trip this year.  Due to circumstances around the big trip, I need to lose some weight.  

And while I'd love love LUH-HUV for the weight to just magically fall of, it won't.  SADNESS.

So, I decided to shake up my ole work out routine.

With karate.

(No, I'm not kidding.)

(You can stop laughing now, before I judo chop your head.)

(I KNOW, right???)

Well, much to my surprise, I didn't die yesterday.  I actually surprised myself with my stamina and that fact that there was no hurling!

On the flipside, pretty much EVERYTHING is sore today.

and now I've gotta go walk it out, or tomorrow is going to be pretty ugly.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

a random thought.

sometimes in our lives, we invariably run across things we Didn't want to know.  Information that hurts us so deeply that it transforms us instantly.  Other times, we innocently find and discover things that we need to know, although we're still stuck with not wanting to hear.

I had one of those random unexpected discoveries today, and can't help but see how sweet it is to know that I don't have hardness in my heart.

I never cease to be amazed at how much God has done for me in the last four years.  Things I was SO hung up on, and enraptured in, are gone.  I can say with confidence that I don't want the life I never missed out on having.

And I kind of love this moment.  I'm sitting in the back of Panera waiting for a group to come join me (we're having a little meetin'), and I can't quite wrap my mind around what God is doing in my life.  It's all happened so fast that I've resorted to writing it down in a planner and praying to the Almighty that I don't lose that planner!!

I feel like last year was all introspective-y.  Maybe that I was often too introspective-y, but my hope is that I can learn to appreciate that quality about myself instead of loathing it like I have in the past.


this past week has been filled with thoughts of my husband and daydreams (of sorts) about our life.  I can't help but say little praises to the Lord that HE is bringing Mr. Right for me onto the scene at the right time.  And I'm even more thankful that God is waiting until now (or whenever) to bring him into my life.  I can't regret not getting married in my 20's because that is SO foolish.  Instead, I'm thankful for God's perfect timing for Me.

Thank you Lord for not answering my foolish prayers for "this guy" or "that guy".  I pray that wherever "they" are, that you bless them and their lives. 

And maybe that your perfect time for Mr. Right For Me is sooner than later?


Monday, January 17, 2011

2011 word.

At the beginning of the year, several people in the bloggy community sat down and used one word to define 2011.

I thought that was a wonderful idea, but I couldn't come up with a word.  There's that weird part of you that wants your word to be special and different, but the other part that says that it must apply to your life, not some overambitious hope and dream down the future.

So, I didn't post anything.  I'd even kind of decided in my heart that I wouldn't have one of those posts this year.  I believe that no one reading this blog is keeping score, or some illusive track record.  (THANK GOD.)

But in an interesting way last night, the Lord showed me what my word was.

Now, please know that I'm in a time crunch to post this, but I will upload all the links in case you have no idea what I'm talking about.  

my 2011 word: intentional.

I'm doing this differently this year.  While the last two weeks have been crazy, they have been intentional in a different way than any of the last five years.  Yes, I'm trying a new planner that I will most likely lose hope in by May.  Yes, I'm ambitious about losing weight.  Yes, I will blah and blah and blah and blah to be different/better/new/ets.

But more than any of that, my 2011 needs to be, has to be, MUST be, intentional.

Relationships that are intentional.
Love is that is intentional and doesn't keep score.
Conversation that isn't gossip, but is intentional, in speaking truth and love.  Even with strangers.
Thoughts and motives that are intentional.  Knowing that, if I peel back all the layers, that whatever God is doing in me lies in the foundation of it all.  Because HE IS intentional with me.
Work being intentional.  Being the best employee I can be.
Family being intentional.  Remembering, even when I get SO frustrated, that I need to be intentional with my family and love the where they're at right now.
Habits being intentional.  Making "picking up" an intentional nightly habit, instead of "resting" (read: BEING LAZY) on the couch after work.

I think you see where I'm going with this.

2011 is about intention.  And good ones. Pure ones.  Lovely ones!! 

Here's to the next 50 weeks!!


Friday, January 14, 2011


Today is one is those days where complaining/whining comes second nature. I do not want to be at work. The smallest things are aggravating me and the coworkers closest to me know to stay away.

I hate feeling this way.

Its tiring.

I blame the snow.

It's been pretty busy unlike the educators that litter my facebook newsfeed with hourly reminders that they've been given the gift of a 10 day weekend, I've had to work. Year end beckons. I've forced someone to pick me up until today because we still have a great deal of snow ice and general lack of resources to clean it up.

**sidenote: there's not much sense in investing in $500k worth of snow equipment when we merely get dusted twice a year for the last decade

It's in these moments (when they're rubbing in their extended vacations and sleeping late's and whathaveyou) of course that I do not feel bad for teachers when they gripe about their pay. (FYI, you knew it was low when you signed your contract.)

And before some teacher leaves me some nasty comment about my attitude, don't. Those rebuttals fall on deaf ears.

But that's really because I'm just agitated and don't want to be at work.

And because my boss is treating me like a glorified copy girl today.

And because I think I need a nap.

end rant. :(

Thursday, January 6, 2011

and some not so lovely things

I have a lot of thoughts floating around in my head.  A bullet list seems somewhat appropriate.

  • Tomorrow's marks the 2nd anniversary of Nathan's death.  I wish I could say that the sting and pain goes away, and it kind of does, but the dull ache is here for good.  As much as I miss him, I'm thankful that he's in heaven, in a whole perfect body (as they are in heaven). 
  • I'm working to get the CF GS Walk stuff posted before tomorrow too.  I may solicit for prayers through this process because it's never easy.
  • I've been feeling extra paranoid this week.  I know it shouldn't be a problem, but whenever I feel like this, it's usually NOT unfounded.
  • the new boss is a welcome respite for my department.  Praise God that the transition of the last few days has been easier than I thought.
  • but there are a lot of other changes (some we know about and some we don't ) coming down the proverbial pipe.  EEEK!
  • Yesterday, my grandfather had to be taken via ambulance for passing out and busting open his head.  Bless his heart!  He's okay now, but nearly scared us to pieces!
  • I realized yesterday that I have never been in the back of an ambulance.  Praise the Lord for that.
  • Last night, I attended a (belated) Feliz Navidad party for our youth.  Earlier yesterday I realized that I don't own any plaid.
  • Like NONE.  And I don't think I've owned anything remotely plaid in about 5 years.
  • My second cousin passed away last night and I had to explain to someone that, if we get the snow they're predicting here, my immediate family will not be able to attend the funeral.  I then had to go on and say that whether we come or not does not influence the situation.  The dead do not get more or less dead.  It's kind of a permanent state and the most awkward convo of 2011 thus far.
  • On that note, I have decided that snow is pretty and fun if your job will call a day off. Mine won't. Therefore I'm praying hard that we get NO snow.
I feel like this is a "down" post, but I need to say that I'm very excited about the possibility and promise that 2011 holds so far.  I am pumped!!

Hope you lovelies are having a wonderful day!!!


Saturday, January 1, 2011


New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights. ~ Hamilton Wright Mabie


I googled quotes for the new year, and the hilarious comments of Mark Twain (apparently he regarded the celebrations of the new year as beyond ridiculous) seemed to abound.

My new year's celebrations were, as most years, very interesting.  My life is a treat!

And of course, I have some goals that are seemingly trivial but they are my goals.

I pray that this new year finds you happy, blessed, and thankful for what God has given you! I am!