Thursday, June 29, 2006


The last few days have been very interesting. Yesterday was bad, but got much better last night at church. The pastor’s wife teaches the class I attend and she’s been speaking about “breaking the strongman”; last night was specifically about the spirit of Infirmity. She did a truly incredible job. Last night, Sharon (PW) spoke about Jesus healing ministry and how he literally healed everyone that asked Him. If you sought him, you were healed. Total no-brainer. Last night was on remembering how the Word was in Jesus and Jesus fulfilled the word, and that when we speak the word, it’s like asking Jesus face-to-face. Jesus never turned down one person that asked if he could heal them – so why do we doubt and not ask? There’s tons more, but if you want the full message – email me. She did however give two scripture that are TOTALLY worth sharing:

“Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his BENEFITS (my emphasis)
who forgives ALL your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that you youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”
Psalm 103:1-5

“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any two-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
Hebrew 4:12-13

And I totally needed that attitude check. God is still the sovereign God of cancer, obesity, depression, attitudes, impure thoughts, skin disorders, broken hearts, … He’s still God of all of it and in control.

Work has been a little stressful. Okay… quite stressful, but it’s just one of those spells where it’s not so much fun to be there. I believe I have resolved the housing situation. Finally! I have lots to do this weekend as my brother will be in town. And, I think that’s all.Later…

Monday, June 26, 2006


"At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away." -Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy)

Thursday, June 22, 2006


Food for thought.

So, I bought another book. Big surprise. This one is “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldman, and I mean, it’s AWESOME. So, I share with you this nugget of wisdom paraphrased (somewhat) from the book.

“Wives, submit to (respect) your husbands as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:22
“ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” Ephesians 5:25

I’ve only read about 50 pages in the book (this makes ME a slacker), but what the entire first portion is about is Respect and Love and how men and women are designed totally different. We give what we want, but fail to give what the other person really needs. We women will tell our men “I love you” but fail to show them respect (or affirmation) in the ways that they need it. They need to be trusted and their worth valued, even in the smallest things, such as fixing a tire or letting them drive and not force them to stop and ask for directions. Men (most, not all) respect us by their actions, but have a more difficult time saying “I love you” to the depth that we want. But the reason for the scripture is that we are admonished to give what our spouse or significant other needs (I’m husband-less… remember that). It’s made me think about the relationships I have been in, as well as the dynamics of the relationships of family and friends, and where I see shortcomings. I am not pointing fingers, because I realize especially now how faulty I have been. The man that I really love, I fail to respect. I have fallen short so many times, and now think, “Well, DUH”. Even in the most mundane ways, I have failed to respect him, and there is no conclusion except to see this as one of the greatest reasons our relationship went nowhere. I think about my first love, and although I was naïve, I was following the path of family and friends to my detriment. This is not to say why things didn’t work out, (I believe that to be divine intervention), but I see why the pain lasted so long for me.

I’m able to see better in family and friend relationships too. My grandparent’s marriage is not perfect, but I see where my grandmother learned this rule. My granddaddy can make fifty things out of wood, but she is so proud and forces us to look at everyone of them. What we see as redundant, my grandfather sees as respect… and therefore… LOVE. He is proud, and we should be proud, and this all equates to Love as he understand it best. It is simply the way God wired him.

The book also talks about the “Nag” factor, and how we destroy relationships by bad-mouthing and venting when there is no need. Again… GUILTY. And I wonder why I’m not married. I can’t stop talking about some poor guy long enough to celebrate the best part of him. More on that later.

There’s still a lot more to the book and I am excited to read.

As far as other stuff… I have to go to Charlotte this weekend (this will be the seventh weekend I won’t have been home straight), and I have three more after this. I really am enjoying living with another person. I am hesitant about a new roommate, but I know this is me being prepared for a spouse. So, Yay.

Supposedly, my cousin is getting married July 1. We’ll see.

Work has been B-A-N-A-N-A-S. (Sing along with Gwen’s version… it’s much prettier!)

I had to get my car fixed, but got to eat lunch with some old friends and see my former boss. You can imagine that was very interesting.

Uploaded a few old pictures to my myspace slide show to really showcase my hair through the last five years. My, My, what a Wild Ride! I think that’s all.

OOH… if you haven’t heard her yet, you should go listen to Vicky Beeching’s “Captivated”. It’s incredible. Way to go U.K. :)

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Today is one of those days that I’m in a bad mood, and just feel like everything I do is totally worthless. I need Jesus today. Bad.

“O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirst for you; my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up mine hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” Psalm 63: 1-8

I actually feel better. I have been in a horrible mood today, but when I am, is usually when everything kinda goes wrong. There are some days, I think I should just not be an accountant… I should cut grass or something. Then I remember my ridiculous allergies and am thankful for my indoor job.

I was reminded of a very personal situation in my life, and how through the most miniscule thing, God kept me safe. God is good… all the time… even and especially when I am weak.

Family Drama: for those of you who don’t know – my 18 year old cousin graduated from high school, and less than 24 hours later, moved in with her boyfriend. In the big picture, it’s not really a big deal. She is choosing her life. The chaos that has ensued is just ridiculous, and yes, the police have been involved. Keli is still not home, and frankly, I wouldn’t want to go home anyway, but my family is still flipping out. This has been a long time coming. It’s very sad, but I know God is in control, but this is Keli’s freewill…

Along with that has been many a sermon about how bad myspace is. And so here is my vent: I am SICK AND TIRED of hearing the news and pastors bash myspace. I don’t think it’s some sort of haven for perverts, nor do I think of it as perfect. It’s just a program and giant server. Bear with me: Keli’s myspace has been littered with all kinds of stuff, including some very risqué groups that she’s been a part of, glittery playboy bunny icons, blogs about ‘what girls like’ and a bunch of other crap. My family, even after my making them aware, chose to ignore what her “space” said, and made me feel like a terrible neice/granddaughter. The same goes for a lot of youth in churches… there are kids who DESPERATELY need someone to reach out to them. They are putting their lives online, because face-it, we can now, and no one seems to be impacted until DateLine does a special about myspace predators. They continue to ignore what is right in front of them. My Grandmother and I have had repeated discussions about her desire for me to delete my myspace account, and my insistence that I am 27, and that I just won’t do it. I realize that this little rant is all over the place… but stay with me. Sunday morning, my mother’s pastor gets up and preaches a sermon about the woes of myspace, and how it’s terrible. He also references “EMOS”, and says “I don’t really know what they are. I mean, they could be little gremlin looking creatures for all I know.” And,… I sort of lost it!!! Why, OH WHY, are you preaching a sermon without doing any kind of research? Why doesn't the church CARE enough about the teenagers in your church to see what’s going on instead of preaching an unfounded, uninformed sermon at them and their parents??? I’m just tired of it. I said something to the pastor because it really upset me, and he just laughed and said, well… my computers broken right now, so I’ll have to figure it out eventually. This is from a pastor who doesn’t own a tv. I am not judging him for that, because I know TV is crap. But I believe that we are to be “in the world, and not of the world”, not “In the world, and hidden under a rock”!!!! It’s exasperating.

As far as my cousin, I am probably a little too whatever about the whole situation, but she’s having this “prodigal child” time in her life, and all I can do, all anyone with good sense can do, is pray for her, pray for God’s protection over her everyday, and for her safe return to her senses and to salvation. And I’m praying for my uncle and aunt to have good sense for what appears to be the first time in their life.

Today is six months until my 28th birthday. 30 is ENTIRELY too close...

Well… I have rambled quite a bit, so I’m going to stop now.

Sunday, June 11, 2006


I got three out of eleven right, and a message that said:

"Better stay in your own country." Point taken.

Friday, June 9, 2006



1. Have had dreams about being pregnant for the last two days. I have also had interspersed dreams about my children around age 2 and 3 and just being with them.
2. Going to WP this weekend for the first time in nearly seven weeks.
3. Going to see Shane & Shane tonight.
4. Will finally be able to hook my computer up at my parents house tonight!!!!
5. I get to see my best friend L., who I haven't seen since October.

Email is back up and working, but I had over 150 emails, so I'm still a little slow on responding.
Have a good weekend.

Thursday, June 8, 2006

The Biggest Loser

I won this week... so the little Ronald is in my office. Isn't he cute??? Oh, our email is down... so if I don't to any messages... it's b/c I can't get them.


I had an epiphany this morning:

I have a friend named Sharon. In 1997, Sharon met this guy named Ray at youth camp and fell IN LOVE with him. She was totally obsessed with Ray, so much so, that she moved to the town where he lived, got a job, and started attending his church. She really felt that the Lord had told her that HE was THE ONE. I think Ray always knew, but he played as best he could. Ray dated a few girls, but everything gesture he made towards Sharon was misconstrued. (This is my observation.) I believe he did make a few gestures that led her to believe that he was interested, but for the most part, he had no desire to have a relationship with Sharon. Fast forward five years – another lady at the same church had been friends with Ray for nearly ten years. Both she and Ray had moved with the pastor when (the pastor’s family) moved. Ray suddenly realized he couldn’t live without Mary, (they had never dated), got engaged, and got married within nine months. To date, they are still youth pastors at the church, and have a beautiful daughter named Cayna. Two months after Ray and Mary were married, Sharon went to a ‘get-to-gether’ of sorts for her family. Her cousin, who had recently been married, brought her husband, and her husband brothers. The cousin kept suggesting that Sharon meet Roger, and Sharon, still wounded over Ray, kept brushing him off. Another long story short… Sharon and Roger got married three years ago, and are doing very well. They still go to church with Mary & Ray.

So, here’s my epiphany – I could very easily be Sharon. I have considered moving closer to people that I love but right now, I just feel stupid and ridiculous that I even considered doing so. How little self-worth do I have?

One of my old pastor’s wives is in town this week, and she just makes me uncomfortable. At dinner last night with a friend’s Mom, I was trying to remember what all happened. I just can’t. I remember drugs, and the entire atmosphere of the church changing, but I can’t remember what cataclysmic event occurred that changed everything. I did remember the pastor (and family) before this one, and all the Hell we went through with them. I have a friend (who I still stay pretty close with) that was instrumental in causing a lot of unnecessary trouble as well. I have to laugh when I see things come full circle with the Lord.

Last night at church, my pastor’s wife spoke about the Spirit of Infirmity, and spent a great deal of time talking about what we say with our mouths, and how that affects our health. Also, how we misconstrued and say things that we don’t understand. She did a good job, and I left last night with more than one nugget of knowledge.

The whole housing issue is still up in the air. Just when I think I have one thing resolved… it falls apart.

Gotta get back to work.

Tuesday, June 6, 2006


Last night, a friend and I walked five miles. We decided to treat ourselves with a little something sweet, and since we missed going to Sno-Biz :(, I opted for a Sonic Slush instead. It was good until I realized… the syrup gives me heartburn. Another :(. Being a grown-up has a few down-sides.

This morning when I got to work, I had not eaten breakfast. Because of medicine I have been taking, I must eat something, and usually opt for a pack of peanut butter crackers and a Dr. Pepper. Because of my great walk last night, I decided I would get a honey bun (this is what my boss gets every morning). Oh Dear Lord!!! My sugar is all over the place! I went into my boss’ office and told her that we are going to have to intervene if she continues eating one each morning. I think I know now what drug addicts feel like. This is insane!!!

Last night was fairly uneventful… except for the walk, and running into people from my home church in CleveVeg. They are in town for a chaplaincy conference, and I am going to have dinner with my brother’s best-friend’s mother. She’s a sweet lady, and I get to show her my church. Tonight is my ‘get-it-together’ night! All the usual… ironing, cleaning, packing for this weekend (I’ve lived out of a suitcase for four weeks now), getting ready for this weekend. I have been promising a friend that I would do what I told her I would do, but I’ve got to get stuff together tonight or I think she’s going to hurt me! :)


Monday, June 5, 2006


So… I have a million things to do today (as usual) and my mind is all over the place. I am still, very slowly, reading this book about trust. Last night, I read about real trust and how it correlates into our understanding of what is going to take place when Christ returns. This is not one of those “doomsday” talks, because frankly, I just can’t deal with that. I literally have an anxiety attack thinking about it. For the first time ever, I found something that helped me think about why I have those attacks… and simply put, it has to do with my finite understanding of the infinite. There is a quote that I am going to butcher, but that basically states that atheists have it the easiest. Because of their lack of acknowledgement of God, they evade the mind games of deeper spirituality. It helps them evade the questions at night, when you are in bed, wondering about eternity. Atheism is though a child-like naivety of nothing. Do you remember the days when you had no worries? Atheists just choose not to worry about God. God is unavoidable, as many found out, but that’s a topic for another time.

This weekend tested my trust in the Lord again. Anyone who was with me would not think so, but just because you can’t see the wheels turning, doesn’t mean they aren’t. I had lots to think about and reflect upon this weekend. I watched a wedding and strangely wasn’t moved as I normally am. Maybe my wedding season (seven years now) is finally drawing to a close. I realized yesterday that I am still very passionate about some things, but still want to resolve them in my own way. I still want God to appoint me in control of my life.

In American Pastoral, Philip Roth wrote:
“You fight your superficiality, your shallowness, so as to try to come at people without unreal expectations, without an overload of bias or hope or arrogance, as untanklike as you can be… You come at them unmenacingly on your own ten toes instead of tearing up the turf with your caterpillar treads, take them on with an open mind, as equals… and yet you never fail to get them wrong. You might as well have the brain of a tank. You get them wrong before you meet them, while you’re anticipating meeting them; and then you go home to tell somebody else about the meeting and you get them all wrong again. Since the same generally goes for them with you, the whole thing is really a dazzling illusion empty of all perception, an astonishing farce of misperception… so ill-equipped are we all to envision another’s interior working and invisible aims.”
Here I am again…back at trust. I can only understand trust with my finite mind. While it shouldn’t take me that long to figure this out, it is still a concept I can’t grasp. God Almighty created all of the heavens and the earth… heavens we are still exploring with every new star and galaxy we can find… and He is still concerned about me, and has, from the beginning of time, known what He has in store for me. T-R-U-S-T.

Thursday, June 1, 2006

06.01.2006 Again

On a blog that I have hidden, I found the responses to a quiz I took. One question in particular caught my eye and made me laugh:

What is your ultimate job? WIFE

I have days where I just feel out of my skin. That may not make any sense… oh well. Today was no exception. I know I shouldn’t share this, but I went on a date at lunch. I am so awkward. Secretly, I think I’m not socially inept and can be suave and sophisticated. In reality, I am a total dork. He was very handsome and very nice. Maybe I’m just terrified of letting someone in that close. I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable twice in my life, and as exhilarating as it is – the comfortability and closeness of someone you love – I’ve been rejected both times, and it has apparently made me a little gun-shy. But, at least I tried. I have friends who Internet date – and while I’ve seen several work out, I’m scared to do it. I would find the one freak online. And, I would probably fall in love with him too. Then there’s also the thoughts that my standards are just too high, and that I can’t have what I feel like the Lord promised me nearly ten years ago. I’m not rehashing my camp experience, but I know that I know that I know that what God promised that night was for me. And, that’s what I want. It’s not about looks, or money, or stature, but about the heart and the measure of the man. To my knowledge, there have been very few who I even remotely felt were that person, and Oh How I Loved Them!!!

Sorry for the babble. Next weekend, I get to see an old friend that I haven’t seen in at least ten years. I’m jazzed. Another reunion meeting too… so I’ve got to get my duckies in a row!!!

Okay… I’m really going to go now.


Hello June!!!

So… a lot has gone on this week. I’ve been really busy trying to play catch-up at work, and trying to get stuff ready. I haven’t done a lot of apartment shopping because I have had no time. I am going to Atlanta this weekend for a wedding. A friend from NC is coming down, and I’m very excited to see her!

I dyed my hair brown… and it looks really good… and I didn’t pay a fortune for it. It was time for a change, and this is actually the first time I’ve had this color brown and caramel highlights. I’ve never had caramel, but I really like it.

Work is going good. Lots more to tell, but I’m not going to blog about it. Let’s just say I’m sick with nervous anxiety. Hopefully it will pass.

My step-dad had minor surgery today but is at home recovering. Here’s to a speedy recovery!

That’s really all… Oh… here’s a picture from NYC, and one of my hair now!