Need... to... be...

• I had a moment where I realized I was giving New Guy a hard time, instead of it being just a one-sided issue.
• (See, I am tender.)
• Two of my favorite bands are the Goo Goo Dolls and the Foo Fighters.
• I realized this morning that that means I like Goo and Foo.
• (mwah ha ha ha ha!)
• I wear ENTIRELY too much black.
• I'm ready to meet my husband.
• Today works for me.
• I'm thinking that I'm not going to have a wedding, but instead have a killer reception!
• The other day, the word with looked very strange to me.
• Do words ever look weird to you?
• My hair... is doing something funky the last few days.

that's all.

Guarded

My weekend at home with my family revealed something more than I've taken the time to realize lately, and that is how guarded I have become.

I never, not even for a second, intended to put up walls with this force and this intensity, but I have managed to construct, apparently with great tenacity, deep walls around my heart and mind.

And just when I thought I was getting a breakthrough from blogging.

Sheesh.

The revelation is that I am...

really really silly. And I don't mean like kinda silly, I mean REALLY silly. I'm a total dork. I love to laugh and am very affectionate and tickly and touchy-feely (not the inappropriate touchy-feely I've been barking about all summer), but touch = affirmation/love for me, and I love to touch people. But I'm ridiculously silly. I probably shouldn't share this, but my brother and I are seemingly well-accomplished adults. We have great jobs, and good educations. But when we talk to each other on the phone, we have these voices that sound like four-year olds and we totally crack ourselves up. It's just great.

Y'all... that's my kind of silly.

But my point is that, it really wasn't until I was home this weekend after my ridiculously stressful week with New Guy that I realized how guarded I am. I have some serious walls. At dinner last night with friends, I was telling them of my realization because, while I think it should be obvious, the real obvious is that of them have noticed.

And I wonder what has perpetuated the walls... do I think that having a silly side distorts or discredits my serious side? Do I think people are judging me? Why do I care? Do I think in my warped head that having this deep silly prohibits me from doing my job? Why have I had this up for so long?

I don't know. I wish I had the answers to my own questions. I did realize that I let very few people see this side of me, and what makes me appreciate my BF Laura (0f 20 years) is that... she loves me most for the silly side, not this painful facade that I want everybody else to see. It is painful... you know? Being intense stresses me out.

All I know is that I don't wanna play this game anymore.

Home.

Quiet.

No drama.

No heart problems for JM.

No roomies threatening David Caruso.

Getting to watch Numb3rs on TV with my Mom.

Sleeping in until 11:00 am and having good dreams.

Getting to hang out in my pj's with my family.

Getting to laugh with my mom & brother.

Hugs.

Lots and lots of hugs.

Having someone else take my car to get an oil change... and them paying for it too!

Quiet.

********************************************

I am totally enjoying being home. Too bad I can only stay until Sunday.

Thank God It's Friday

'cause I seriously don't think I could stand four more days!!

My week has been... oh so eventful. Combined with new guy not showing up, still learning my job, and having to deal with some really dense people... I'm super thankful that this week is OVER!

I literally told New Guy not to miss close next month. I know he was sick. I get that, but my job, unlike alot of others, doesn't have that grace period, you know? I mean, in March 2006, we had a controller have a MASSIVE HEARTATTACK in the parking lot. We didn't miss a beat y'all. That's just the nature of what I do.

On Monday night, my roomie and I were watching TV and we saw the previews for October Road. We love that show. It's coming back on the Monday after Thanksgiving at 10:00. The roomie jokingly looks at me and says, "you know what that means, right? We're going to have to stop recording CSI: Miami!!!" (And then she laughed hysterically.)

NOT IF SHE WANTS ME TO KEEP PAYING HALF THE CABLE BILL, WE WON'T.

She quickly realized that I neither thought her joke was funny NOR appropriate.

First New Guy, then the threat of losing David, ... you can imagine why my week progressed so poorly!!

On the upside... bible study was really good last night. I'm still on the fence about Jennifer Rothschild, but last night's message was on the money. We stand around in the dark looking for light while Jesus is our light!!! (That's a ridiculously short paraphrase, but I think you get the gest!)

And... for those of you who missed it... I have a NASTY virus on my computer and it is down for the count. I will probably purchase a new PC (not a laptop) after Thanksgiving! So, if I don't blog or respond, please give me some time. Also, I have nowhere to check my myspace or hotmail account. If you need me, email my gmail account.

Much love to y'all and hope that I can return to normal blogging next week...
Love,
Jenn

Burned up!

I'm going to not talk about Homecoming weekend because ... I wouldn't know where to start.

But I will talk about the fact that Month-End Close started yesterday and New Guy is OUT TODAY.

I am BEYOND AGGRAVATED.

Riddle me this...

(I borrowed this from ASBO because it's SO true)

I am one body made up of many,
I am saved yet I enslave,
I have wealth beyond measure,
Yes I still store up treasure,
I am thoughtful and kind,
I am hopelessly blind,
I am right and wrong,
light and dark,
sinner and saint,
I am good and bad news,
I am fearless and bold,
I am new, I am old,
I am stuck in my ways,
Love all men (but not gays)
I am built on a rock,
both a rabble and flock,
I'm in love with my Savior,
despite my behavior.

Who I am?

The Church

I have...

been doing alot of observing the last few weeks. Noticing the way things change, and others stay the same. Trying to figure out commonalities. Trying to notice stuff.

Okay... you know, that's a bunch of crap. I notice stuff all the time. I am observant. I think that, following a conversation I had this week with a friend that I don't always do the best job of explaining to people what I observe. There's more to that story, but it's somebody else's personal story, so the buck is stoppin' here.

I feel like I'm turning into this cynical 40-year-old Old Maid who chain smokes. I've been SOOOOO blunt with people lately, it's ridiculous. For example, I have a guy friend that I adore. He's handsome, but (strangely enough) I don't have a crush on him. He calls all the time, and we usually have a scheduled dinner once a week. So, during our weekly, I asked him more questions about the women he's interested in. So, he courteously divulged. And then I asked:

"How come, you spend significant time with female friends who are nothing like the woman you are looking for?"

Because to me that's using someone as a time filler until something better comes along. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that, but I've been burned too many times by guys who do that. Reading Sunburned's post today, (to me), only reiterates my point. If you spend time with me, You invest in me. There's no getting around that. So, instead of spending alot of time with me, split your time up.

Does that make sense?



This weekend is homecoming for my Alma Mater. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, and altogether one big internal bundle of nerves. A friend that was supposed to come down won't be because of illness. I will miss you!