My weekend at home with my family revealed something more than I've taken the time to realize lately, and that is how guarded I have become.
I never, not even for a second, intended to put up walls with this force and this intensity, but I have managed to construct, apparently with great tenacity, deep walls around my heart and mind.
And just when I thought I was getting a breakthrough from blogging.
The revelation is that I am...
really really silly. And I don't mean like kinda silly, I mean REALLY silly. I'm a total dork. I love to laugh and am very affectionate and tickly and touchy-feely (not the inappropriate touchy-feely I've been barking about all summer), but touch = affirmation/love for me, and I love to touch people. But I'm ridiculously silly. I probably shouldn't share this, but my brother and I are seemingly well-accomplished adults. We have great jobs, and good educations. But when we talk to each other on the phone, we have these voices that sound like four-year olds and we totally crack ourselves up. It's just great.
Y'all... that's my kind of silly.
But my point is that, it really wasn't until I was home this weekend after my ridiculously stressful week with New Guy that I realized how guarded I am. I have some serious walls. At dinner last night with friends, I was telling them of my realization because, while I think it should be obvious, the real obvious is that of them have noticed.
And I wonder what has perpetuated the walls... do I think that having a silly side distorts or discredits my serious side? Do I think people are judging me? Why do I care? Do I think in my warped head that having this deep silly prohibits me from doing my job? Why have I had this up for so long?
I don't know. I wish I had the answers to my own questions. I did realize that I let very few people see this side of me, and what makes me appreciate my BF Laura (0f 20 years) is that... she loves me most for the silly side, not this painful facade that I want everybody else to see. It is painful... you know? Being intense stresses me out.
All I know is that I don't wanna play this game anymore.