Monday, February 7, 2011

an open letter.

Dear Person I cannot mention on the blog,

At some point and without my knowledge, my heart gave you a part of itself. I don’t find myself easily intimidated and yet, it’s like I’m 5 years old afraid to talk, needing some kind of affirmation from you. I normally find it easy and natural to be confrontational, but with you? NADA. This is crazy! You make me feel a way that I’ve not felt in a long time, which is both terrifying and exhilarating.

We’re going on a very big trip in a few months. Just me and you. Far far away. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around how any of this happened. The “dumb girl” in me wants to give God the credit, but I don’t know if this is God or me. And God knows that I cannot get a read out of you. You seem excited, I think.

I wish that you knew that I thought you were the “bees knees” of it all. But I’m pretty sure if you knew I felt like this, you would run screaming to the hills and there is just too much riding on this trip. I can’t admit to you (at least not yet) that I can’t go on this trip without you, for more reasons than one. As independent as I consider myself normally, this trip is only illuminating the vulnerability that I reserve for only a few to see.

I cannot put myself in a position to think anything romantic is going to happen on this trip, because that would be setting me up for failure, mentally. But my heart is not getting the memos. My heart is running unabashedly, unashamedly to the places that my head cannot go, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve still not figured how you have a part of my heart when for most of the last few years, I’m pretty sure you’ve not been able to stand me.

Such a dumb girl heart. Oy.

But this is my blog, so I might as well confess. I am so excited for this trip!!! I grin like a fool when I think about it. There may have even been a bit of dancing around the living room. I hope you learn to love me on this trip. Not even in a romantic way (although let’s face it, that would be spectacular!!!), but just for being me. I hope that you see my heart. And if you don’t, I hope you give me back the piece you have so I can move on.


1 comment:

Mimi said...

What a beautiful and honest post. I hope you have the time of your life.

Hugs & love,