a letter.

Dear Heart,

(insert thug attitude/vibe) You gone have to get out this funk real quick.  Sad Jenn is not cool.  (end thug attitude/vibe).

10 years ago today, the very first man you ever loved smashed your heart into a gazillion pieces.  While most people bounce after a few months, you decided to drag it out for nearly 3 years.

:(

the only reason you really got over him was because you got into somebody else.  Trouble was his middle name, and being phony was his game.  That ended after too many years, and you were doing good.  You don't miss either of those boys, but letting the loneliness get to you? Not really okay.

Today, you need to get your junk together and snap back to your self.  

You are so much smarter than that 20 year old was. You've been burned, but you've felt love, at the very core of who you are, and you know you want it again.  Don't close yourself off to experiencing that, no matter what "rational" reason you think you can come up with.  Love ... is the most exhilarating feeling in the world.  Remember the high, and be happy.

from,
Me.

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Tonight, I ran without any music or words pounding into my ears.  Just to run, to de-stress, to engage in conversation with God.  To cry a little, laugh a few times, and pound my fist in the air when I realized I WASN'T dying after 2 minutes. And then another 2 minutes.  And then aNOTHER 2 minutes.

Yay!

I don't know if I need to quit finding balance and just do it, or what.  I'm sorry you all are enduring with me as I figure out what in the world I need to do with my life (and I'm thanking you MUCHO MUCH in advance).

In the comments of the last post, Gina @ I am Gina Bob left a quote that I needed to be reminded of (P.S. stop by her blog if you haven't yet.  Gina is so sweet!):

"Tears are liquid prayers that need no interpretation." -C.H. Spurgeon

and I need to remember that today.

xoxo,
me.

oh sunday eve.

This weekend, I have been a BUSY girl! 

Friday night, I helped decorate for a friend's lingerie shower.  I wasn't feeling well (and I'll expand on things in a moment), so I headed back home.

Yesterday, I woke up entirely too early, did my workout in blazing heat, took care of laundry, and finished off last night with a birthday dinner at Hooter's for my friend Josh followed by two hysterical rounds of miniature golf!

Today, got up early, talked to my brother for a bit, went to an AWESOME church service, and then headed back to the Vegas and then Knoxville for another birthday party tonight -- a viewing of The Other Guys and dinner at Pei Wei.

And I arrived home to find my rarely here German neighbors having blocked half the driveway, and a giant puddle of water in my house.

GOOD TIMES, I SAY.  Good times.

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I am... struggling.  Struggling with some things that I don't know how to process any other way but by prayer.  I KNOW that God answers prayer.  I've witnessed it, I've been on the receiving end of it, I know it works.

And Friday night, amidst my already feeling bad, I was sort of overcome with emotion and wound up crying the entire 40 minute ride home.

It's a feeling that I can't quite articulate (I find myself not being able to articulate a lot of things lately!), but this one really bugs me. 

It's an uncomfortableness, of sorts.

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On Friday night, I drove around my Alma Mater.  I am so blessed to have gone to Lee University.  It's not a school for everyone, but it definitely was the perfect fit for me.  This time each year is so special to me, because August 19th will be my 11th anniversary of moving away from home. 

I left all the security blankets I had and took a giant leap of faith by moving away.  Lee has such special, wonderful memories for me, and I can't imagine what my life would have been without that place.

Who I would be without that place.

And maybe all this introspection comes from that.  Remembering the naive 20 year old I was.  Never been kissed.  Never been loved.  Never been away from home for that long.  Never stepped out with that kind of faith before.

As I was driving around campus, I was struck at how much has changed physically.

And yet, my memories are frozen in time.  Stuck in that first dorm room.  Stuck waiting in the lobby for those boys!  Stuck on the ped mall for the most hilarious story.  Stuck.

Maybe I'm stuck??????

Maybe... I'm stuck.

xoxo,

me.

run. clear. run.

I need to be perfectly honest and say, that I had a great run tonight.  I feel like (and I know this is premature), but I sincerely feel like I'm GETTING it this time.

And it feels good.

Today, we had some NASTY weather is D-town.  Like small hail, high winds, and much needed heavy rain.  Running outside in 100% humidity seemed a tad foolish, but I was willing.  When I got to the track, no one was there.  Call me paranoid, but running by myself with no one in the park?  No, thank ya'.

I headed to the gym.

This is what I wrote on my facebook:

I had a good run tonight. I think it also helped that I had a SUPER HOT GUY in front of me who kept smiling, maybe he was secretly thinking I looked ridiculous on the treadmill, but in my head, he was proud of me for running. Op, and then he did come speak to me. Silly me forgot to get his name, but I did not see a wedding band. Ah, the important details. Dear Hot Guy, THANK YOU!!! BEST. RUN. TO. DATE!!!

You know, you have to celebrate the small victories.

Yay for good runs.  Yay for hot guys without wedding rings.  Yay for getting it together.  FINALLY... hopefully.

xoxo,
me.

confession.

I.. love ridiculously cheesy chick flicks.

(insert shame here.)

:)

I also have a tendency to watch them repeatedly.  The earliest I can remember was a movie called Crazy From the Heart, starring Christine Lahti.  She was a high school principal in a South Texas school and fell in love with the janitor.  (I did my reseach and actually found the vhs version a few years.  Now? I own it.)

If you ask me my top 3 favorite movies, they are 1) Gone With The Wind, 2) Never Been Kissed, and 3) the Notebook.  (Mike C., I know I wavered when you asked me, but he's a Calhoun, come on.)

I've seen NBK and The Notebook at least 30 times, each.

And I still love them.

With no shame.

Other top favs:

Serendipity -- I mean HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE JOHN CUSACK IN THAT MOVIE?

Fools Rush In -- The scene were Matthew Perry's character has to tell his friend that he got married and throws his hand up to flash the wedding ring??  I have repeated that same move in photos.  I KID YOU NOT.

My Fake Fiance -- I've a child of the 80's and 90's.  Clarissa and "Woah?!" in the same movie??? YES PLEASE.  And their upcoming TV show?  WOO!!!

:)

Sometimes, my musical choices reflect my personal cheesiness.  Case in Point:  Heather Locklear & Hillary Duff in "The Perfect Man",... I pulled down Better than This from Kimberly Locke.  Love that song!

This past Sunday, Lucky 7 was on television.  It's Patrick Dempsey and it's cute and dorky and yes I own that DVD of that one too. 

And I heard "So You Are To Me", by Eastmountainsouth.  It's a beautiful song that I think you'll enjoy.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Any favorite cheesy chick flick loves or songs you love?  Share!

Happy Wednesday,
xoxo,
Jenn

all that jazz.

First and foremost, today is my brother's birthday.  I am blessed (and biased) about having the best brother ever!!!!!!

Because of him, I have permanent lead in my knee.  A blue dot that I should share one day.  :)

I had a wreck in which he wound up wearing the red kool-aid he was drinking.

He nearly killed me on the GWB.

He cussed out a vendor to get me an infamous Grey's Papaya hotdog. It was just as yummy as they looked on Fools Rush In.

His home is always open for me to stay in New York City.

He's my John Mark Smurf, and yes, there IS a song.

He's one of my greatest confidantes, and I couldn't be more proud of him.

Happy Birthday JM!!  Welcome to the 30's.  May many more adventures be yet before us!!

Love you bunches!!!

Jenn

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Some of you sent me the most kind, supportive emails today.  You expressed your opinions about what I wrote last night, and frankly, you were 142 different kinds of awesome!!

Then there were the people who decided that I was 1) ignorant and 2) that they REALLY knew me.  To you I say openly, you don't know doodly-squat, and I think it would be in your best interest to not read anymore. 

I don't hate women pastors; I'm not against women pastors.  I'm not some anti-feminist who think suffrage was in vain and that we all need to be in submission to Men.  For anyone to have interpreted that is so beyond ridiculous, I can't help but be left speechless.  My doubts are in ordination, and that's MY opinion.  Also, we are talking about the particular denomination I attend, not any others.  And FYI, I have family on the Council of the 18.  I'm not nearly as stupid as you think.

If you happen to have women pastors in your life or your family, that's great.  I'm not questioning anyone's calling, I'm questioning a title. 

Also, I don't hate counselors, I don't think they're all bad.  Promise!!  Sometimes one Bad Apple can intentionally ruin your afternoon.

If that is your life's work and your passion, kudos to you!

Lastly, my title yesterday was called VENT, not "I'M TALKING TO YOU PERSONALLY  SO GET YOUR BRIEFS IN A BUNCH".  Unclench.

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I'm heading out to run in a minute, to clear my head and detox my system!  I'm finding that for me, this is so cleansing and therapeutic.  It's a chance to talk to my heavenly Father uninterrupted!

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For some fun reading!

Amanda @ Teasingly Diverse has a poll going for Team Noel or Team Ben.  TEAM NOEL ALL THE WAY!!!

SueAnn @ SueAnn's Journey had a great post today.  SueAnn is such a wonderful lady and always the consummate encourager!  And such a talented artist!! 

Rachel @ The Keyter had a hilarious post of Random Bits of Randomness.  Love this!!  I met Rach through Nathan. 

Miss C @ Crispin Chronicles lives in Hawaii.  Her husband is serving in the military (Thank you!!).  Every time I read her blog, I seriously want to aloha the South, and ALOHA! Hawaii!  :)

Steph @ Bird on a Wire has some beautiful Etsy finds.  I am determined this year to have my Christmas shopping completed by Thanksgiving.  If Steph keeps it up, she may manage to find the beautiful things on my list!

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Gotta run... LITERALLY!

xoxo,
Jenn

One last thing...

Some wonderful college friends and I get together every year for a reunion.

We are planning (and having a few hilarious facebook mass messages) our event for this Labor day.

I'm excited about seeing everyone, including one of my favorite guy's new girlfriend, and a sweet little chubby 9 month old and spright 18 month old!


Yay!!  Labor Day can't get here soon enough!!

vent.

Today, I received a flurry of emails asking what in the WORLD I was thinking with my previous title.

FYI... that is a Southern Expression.  I didn't even reply to a few emails because they were so ugly!  While we're covering southern expressions that are, well different, here are my other favorite too:

"the devil's beating his wife"
"where in the Hahirah?"
"what in tarnation"
"colder than a witch's tit"

I don't get them, but I have used them... maybe except for that last one because it makes no sense! 

Just fyi, I am Southern.  Proud of it too.  I have such a wonderful, rich, hilarious heritage.  And sometimes, we talk weird too. Ha!

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My denomination recently voted on ordaining women.  I have no problem with women serving in any type of ministry, but I feel like this one is so much MORE about entitlement and having a title than it is anything else.

I have angered more than a few people.  FYI: I'm not a feminist.  If that's your thing, fine.  If you don't to take your spouses name, or want to burn your bra, go ahead. 

While I rarely talk about my actual political views (I could shock some of you!), I'm a fairly straight laced conservative.  I struggle with judging some radical liberals, and that's just the honest truth.  I'll stop now, but OI! what controversy I caused!

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There is an expression:  "those who can't do; teach".  This is my general view on a lot of people that I went to college with.  They have no idea what they want to do, except they 1) want to boss people around, 2) tell other people what they should be, and 3) get a paycheck.

Hence, my alma mater graduates quite a high number of counselors. 

I've been burned by therapists and counselors.  I had one lovely lady who suggested regression therapy, and when I told her that Jesus had taken care of my heart AND my head, she asked me to consider it, and sign a paper.

I walked out of her office, and never returned.

I have people in my life who are counselors, and they couldn't google their way out of real life situation.

:(

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I did not intend for this to be one of those vent posts, but I needed it.  It's been a long, LONG day.

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Lastly, I'm glad Ali picked Roberto.  Dear Chris, I'm still single.  :)

xoxo,
Jenn