"I try to avoid looking forward or back, and try to keep looking upward." Charlotte Bronte
I feel detached. I feel like I'm going backwards. I have NOT had a good week. AT ALL. I took down two posts this week alone. I do not like doing so, but I believe it's necessary.
Everyday this week, my devos have been that life is not all about me. Yes, I know that, but I have needed these especially, and have just been too wrapped up in me to stop and blog about them. Hence the real reasons for taking down my posts. This week, I was trying to be sympathetic and encourage a friend, and got blasted for it. I am disappointed in a co-worker, and in sharing the situation with friends and some family, everyone thinks I'm foolish. No, they just think I'm too emotionally attached and that I need to detach. I'm frustrated with personal space, and others seem to think it's theirs.
And then I read a blogpost by a pastor in Florida, watching his six month old learn to crawl. His child gets in position, and in his excitement and effort, winds up going backwards. The pastor goes on to describe this as a metaphor for life. Amidst getting tickled at watching his child, the pastor could see the frustration in his little boys eyes, and realized that we, as children of the Almighty have moments where we get geared up to press ahead, and wind up going back. We get frustrated with ourselves, our situation, and with God.
There is no metaphor or cliche that makes the pain or frustration go away. Spiritual maturity (and thus the acknowledgement of spiritual immaturity) reminds us that the pain is necessary. Going backwards is a necessity to moving forward.
This was the scripture in my devo on Tuesday:
"Then we turned and set out for the wilderness by the way to the Red Sea, as the LORD spoke to me, and circled Mount Seir for many days. And the LORD spoke to me, saying, 'You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north'..." "For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing." Deut 2:1-3, 7.
I cannot count the number of times I have use the illustration of the Israelite children wondering in the desert to describe a circumstance and situation for others. And yet, I'm one too. Just too wrapped up in me and my stuff to see the big picture... that I've been revisiting the same places over and over again.
But I love that my heavenly Father sees my frustrations and disappointments, and hurt, and emotions that He created inside of me, and realizes that my backward steps are a precursor to something wonderful.
And today,... I stop circling the mountain, and I'm going north.