I just realized how funny/strange the title looks. Wow.
I'm "blah" right now. Make the sound. Stick your tongue out. I don't know why I feel this way.
We have auditors at work right now. They are asking a million questions. About everything. And anything. I really don't have a problem with the auditors. I get frustrated when they ask about stuff that was so inconsequential last year, but are making a big deal because they didn't do it last year. THAT frustrates me. I told my brother about it last night, and he told me to SUD it.
** I just spent... WASTED... five minutes of my time looking for a definition link for SUD. It's a Summary of unadjusted differences. And it's so irrelevant to the story now, I'm not sure why I mentioned it.
I have homework to do tonight before bible study. Gotta go.
**UPDATE**
The homework made me cry today. It's getting good.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
1.23.07
Last night, I went to Atlanta, and had the privilege of hearing and seeing Frank Warren, the creator of the Post Secret Project. The first shot is my seat from the floor. The second is obviously me with Frank. (He's 6'4", but I feel like my head is watermelon sized compared to his.) :( He was really cool. He shared which secret was his (from the first book), as well as secrets that never made it into the book. (He gets an average of 200 a day.) It was a very interesting experience... to say the least. Frank's a neat guy. What started as a short-term art project has definitely taken on a life of it's own. Frank did mention that there are two other books scheduled to be published. He cordially autographed two books for me (one was mine, the other belongs to my friend L.), and took a picture. I have several video clips, but they're sideways, and I can't figure out how to upload them at work (b/c of restricted websites and all). I will get them on eventually.He posts people secrets. Novel but simple idea. While I was listening to him last night, I thought about the liberation people feel when they send in secrets. Then I thought about sin. To the unchurched, unsaved world, secrets keep us in bondage. To the churched world, secrets are sin, and we ALL know that sin keeps us in bondage. Frank mentioned last night that he's not a religious man. Sometimes God will use people in ways they never intended. If one person can find freedom with a sin their struggling with by sending in a 4X6 secret, then I'm all for it. I could really expound on that more, but I'm going to refrain on purpose.
I did meet a nice lady last night. She and I talked the entire time we were in line. I wanted to thank Frank for the "engagement" that secrets give people. Camaraderie. Compassion. Empathy. Sympathy. Emotion.
Instead... I gave him two of my very own secrets.
Monday, January 22, 2007
1.22.07
I almost blogged over the weekend, and then realized that, it's good that I don't. I need a break, time to let "stuff" happen, and just re-assess. This weekend, I had a wedding, attended a sorority soiree, got a word from God, had a meltdown with a purchase from Best Buy, and figured out how much money I'm going to get back from my federal tax returns. It was ... eventful to say the least.
Friday night, I had a David Caruso marathon. I'm on the verge of sending him a fan letter. Friday night, I finally saw the three episodes involved in his character's wife's death on CSI:Miami. The next-to-last episode of last season, he married one of his employee's (and friend's) sister. On the last episode, she was murdered. (Bummer.) On the first episode of this season (#5), they showed Horatio (David) going to visit her grave. The tombstone read - 1978 2006. I freaked out! I was born in 1978! I know this is weird, but I don't care, and frankly, it's just perpetuating my celebrity crush!!!! So, even though he's 50, I know he would love a 28 year old. LOL!
Saturday, went to a wedding for my friends J. & J. It was beautiful!!! I didn't have that "I'm going to slit wrist because I'm still single" feeling either. I realized that, it's okay that it's not my time. It will happen, and it will be better than I can anticipate, and I can't wait. The bride's family was not really supportive, and you can see that she is still processing frustration. You can't eradicate a year and a half worth of tension, anxiety, frustration, and hurt in a 40-minute ceremony. But... a honeymoon to Spain is definitely a great way to start! J. is one of those women who I respect and admire. She is more beautiful inside than I can articulate. She inspires me.
Saturday night, I spent time with some "new girls". When I got in DZT six years ago, I wanted someone to make an investment in me. A few girls did. But in my heart, I wanted more. I wanted to know more people, and never really took the time to do that. Saturday night, I had the chance to actually talk to some of these incredible girls. They are young, and had lots of questions, and were very funny, but one... she got my attention. Right now, it's not important to know the details of why she got my attention, but she did. So... I'm going to do what I wanted someone to do for me... I'm going to really make an investment. I really felt in my heart to intercede for her, pray for her, and in a weird way, silently mentor her. She may never know who I am, but I want to stand in the gap for her. So... for the next ten weeks, I'm going to invest in her life, and love her as my sister, and pray for God to show her so much... more than I can articulate right now.
Sunday... I had a good time with God, and got in a fight with a representative from Linksys. Please do not ever buy their products. EVER.
Tonight, I am going to (try) to meet Frank Warren, creation/originator of Post Secret. I'm super-excited!!! I have a secret for him. I (secretly) hope it will make in to the website.
I have other stuff, but want to have it worded correctly. I will post later.
Friday night, I had a David Caruso marathon. I'm on the verge of sending him a fan letter. Friday night, I finally saw the three episodes involved in his character's wife's death on CSI:Miami. The next-to-last episode of last season, he married one of his employee's (and friend's) sister. On the last episode, she was murdered. (Bummer.) On the first episode of this season (#5), they showed Horatio (David) going to visit her grave. The tombstone read - 1978 2006. I freaked out! I was born in 1978! I know this is weird, but I don't care, and frankly, it's just perpetuating my celebrity crush!!!! So, even though he's 50, I know he would love a 28 year old. LOL!
Saturday, went to a wedding for my friends J. & J. It was beautiful!!! I didn't have that "I'm going to slit wrist because I'm still single" feeling either. I realized that, it's okay that it's not my time. It will happen, and it will be better than I can anticipate, and I can't wait. The bride's family was not really supportive, and you can see that she is still processing frustration. You can't eradicate a year and a half worth of tension, anxiety, frustration, and hurt in a 40-minute ceremony. But... a honeymoon to Spain is definitely a great way to start! J. is one of those women who I respect and admire. She is more beautiful inside than I can articulate. She inspires me.
Saturday night, I spent time with some "new girls". When I got in DZT six years ago, I wanted someone to make an investment in me. A few girls did. But in my heart, I wanted more. I wanted to know more people, and never really took the time to do that. Saturday night, I had the chance to actually talk to some of these incredible girls. They are young, and had lots of questions, and were very funny, but one... she got my attention. Right now, it's not important to know the details of why she got my attention, but she did. So... I'm going to do what I wanted someone to do for me... I'm going to really make an investment. I really felt in my heart to intercede for her, pray for her, and in a weird way, silently mentor her. She may never know who I am, but I want to stand in the gap for her. So... for the next ten weeks, I'm going to invest in her life, and love her as my sister, and pray for God to show her so much... more than I can articulate right now.
Sunday... I had a good time with God, and got in a fight with a representative from Linksys. Please do not ever buy their products. EVER.
Tonight, I am going to (try) to meet Frank Warren, creation/originator of Post Secret. I'm super-excited!!! I have a secret for him. I (secretly) hope it will make in to the website.
I have other stuff, but want to have it worded correctly. I will post later.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Follow-up
So... I wrote that whole, long blog. Then, I checked another email account and had received the devo for the day with the posting below. I am amazed. God's grace is so sufficient, especially for our frustrations and insecurities. This is God's grace to me and for me. He knows my every need, and is sovereign enough to speak through others to me... even and especially from a distant. God is Good... All The Time.
How would you answer if someone asked you who you are? The truth is sometimes I forget who I belong to. I forget that God alone gives me my identity. If I dig a little deeper and answer with complete honesty the question of who I am, my answer includes these responses: I am someone who struggles with losing the same ten pounds; sometimes I respond in fear rather than faith; I can be selfish and not want to serve others; I've made mistakes in the past and can carry them around like a ball and chain.
The truth is that sometimes I let my past, my feelings, and others' disapproval of me define me; rather than letting God and His Word define me. However, the closer I grow to the Lord, the more I understand that those other definitions are lies, not the truth. God's enemy, Satan, is a liar who wants to keep me from walking in the truth. The truth of who I am is found in God's Word. I know who I am when I know Whose I am.
Let these statements remind you of who you are and Whose you are:
Nothing can separate you from God's love (Romans 8: 35 – 39).
You are God's work of art, His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10).
God does not condemn you (Romans 8: 1,2).
God loves you so much that the price He paid to have a relationship with you was His own life (1 Corinthians 6: 20).
Jesus is your Daddy (Romans 8:15).
God's love for you is everlasting and unfailing. He wants you to have a relationship with Him where you grow closer to Him and look more like Him as you abide in His truth. Rest in the truth that His steadfast love never fails.
Dear Father, I am so thankful that I am Your child and that You love me. I am thankful that Your love never changes and that nothing will take Your love away from me. Open my eyes to any lies I'm believing about myself and my life. Help me to believe only You – not Satan, not my feelings, not what anyone else says. In Jesus' Name, Amen
How would you answer if someone asked you who you are? The truth is sometimes I forget who I belong to. I forget that God alone gives me my identity. If I dig a little deeper and answer with complete honesty the question of who I am, my answer includes these responses: I am someone who struggles with losing the same ten pounds; sometimes I respond in fear rather than faith; I can be selfish and not want to serve others; I've made mistakes in the past and can carry them around like a ball and chain.
The truth is that sometimes I let my past, my feelings, and others' disapproval of me define me; rather than letting God and His Word define me. However, the closer I grow to the Lord, the more I understand that those other definitions are lies, not the truth. God's enemy, Satan, is a liar who wants to keep me from walking in the truth. The truth of who I am is found in God's Word. I know who I am when I know Whose I am.
Let these statements remind you of who you are and Whose you are:
Nothing can separate you from God's love (Romans 8: 35 – 39).
You are God's work of art, His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10).
God does not condemn you (Romans 8: 1,2).
God loves you so much that the price He paid to have a relationship with you was His own life (1 Corinthians 6: 20).
Jesus is your Daddy (Romans 8:15).
God's love for you is everlasting and unfailing. He wants you to have a relationship with Him where you grow closer to Him and look more like Him as you abide in His truth. Rest in the truth that His steadfast love never fails.
Dear Father, I am so thankful that I am Your child and that You love me. I am thankful that Your love never changes and that nothing will take Your love away from me. Open my eyes to any lies I'm believing about myself and my life. Help me to believe only You – not Satan, not my feelings, not what anyone else says. In Jesus' Name, Amen
1.19.07
I have a lot I want to post today, and will do so later on.
This week has been humbling, to say the least. I find myself in moments where I am so excited about what God is doing, but realize that I have a LONG way to go. The road to spiritual maturity is paved with (me) falling on my face alot. Strangely enough, I'm okay with that.
Last night was the "new" part of induction for my Sorority. My Alma Mater made several changes this year, and the club added a portion that included alumnae. I'm trying to be as vague as possible, because I'm struggling with whether I should even be blogging this at all. I am, based on the justification that I can, and it bothers me, but the war within is whether I'm blogging out of anger and frustration, and also cognitively, who I'm blogging to. As I've late, I've been sharing this blog with a lot of people, to open up for a plethora of reasons. There are however, a few who I feel would use this in a way to attempt to hurt me. It's a Catch 22. You can't share the good and the bad, and be exposed, without being subject to the consequences.
So here goes:
Wednesday, I received an email from a "sister" who I haven't spoken to or seen in nearly a year. Her email frustrated me in that, it was a "command" to do something that I was not responsible for, nor I am directly involved in. I chose to ignore it. (I rarely do this -- but I was very frustrated with this person.) My frustration came because this person indicated for me to email out information to a list of people whose email addresses she had (she replied to a forward she received with all the info intact), and I still can't figure out why SHE couldn't email that out to everyone?!? Also, what she was asking me to pass along -- I didn't know as fact. Seeing her last night, just infuriated me. She intentionally didn't speak to me, and I her. It's so immature. My behavior that is. But I didn't have anything nice to say, and was afraid that I was going to be not nice in a setting where that behavior was completely inappropriate. Then to add fuel to my fire, seeing the rest of the entourage and the cliches that still exist, long after we've graduated.
I know that I should not care. I KNOW THAT. But the fact is that I do, and I know that this is where I fall short emotionally, but virtue that I am still in need to that acceptance. Some of the people that spoke last night. Not because they were funny, but because of the hypocrisy. I wish I could go into detail. I REALLY wish I could go into detail. But, I'm not, and it's foolish, and it's probably stupid for me to even write about this, but ... I did. My hope is that I won't come back and feel some need to edit/erase this.
Last night, I really had to struggle alot with forgiveness. I don't see where I did anything wrong to these people. I've tried, with great gesture, to let them know that I love them, and want the best for them, and yet, I am still received coldly and, just plain hatefully! But I want to make things as "right" as I can. It starts with me asking for forgiveness. I do need to ask forgiveness for my hateful attitude, and obviously, my not so pure thoughts. We're admonished to think on things that are good, and (reading the above), I am obviously struggling with that. I know this is a sign of spiritual maturity as well... and it's a day by day process. Last night, I seriously contemplated another huge gesture to say "I think you're Great!", but decided that, this is one of those times where it's really best to say "I'm sorry." and realize that God will heal the frustration in my heart. Should they choose not to forgive me, then it lies on their hands, not mine.
Kay Arthur once said (my paraphase) that we would be hard-pressed to find where Jesus ever told us to forgive ourselves. He repeatedly instructs us to forgive others and to accept His Forgiveness. Because of our sin nature, we have no capacity to forgive ourselves; it must be from Him.
I know that there are people in my life that I have "done wrong". That's why I love "My Name is Earl". Although the premise of the show is a comedy, the fact is, if we could write a list of things we'd done wrong, people we'd mistreated, and mistakes we'd made and undo them all, we WOULD. In a heartbeat. This weekend, I have the prime opportunity to make restitution for a roommate that I apparently mistreated. I was stupid. I can't undo anything. But I am going to ask her forgiveness, and pray for healing, and believe that God will take care of the rest.
Albeit COMPLETELY FRUSTRATING, I am thankful for last night's event. It reminds me of my humanity, and that God will humble me when I get too big for my own good. It's all about him, and not about me. I am unworthy of forgiveness, but "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son. Whoever believes in Him, will not die, but have everlasting life." J3:16. And God knew I would struggle repeatedly with this stuff, so he and Peter had this conversation:
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.""
I've got a long way to go...
This week has been humbling, to say the least. I find myself in moments where I am so excited about what God is doing, but realize that I have a LONG way to go. The road to spiritual maturity is paved with (me) falling on my face alot. Strangely enough, I'm okay with that.
Last night was the "new" part of induction for my Sorority. My Alma Mater made several changes this year, and the club added a portion that included alumnae. I'm trying to be as vague as possible, because I'm struggling with whether I should even be blogging this at all. I am, based on the justification that I can, and it bothers me, but the war within is whether I'm blogging out of anger and frustration, and also cognitively, who I'm blogging to. As I've late, I've been sharing this blog with a lot of people, to open up for a plethora of reasons. There are however, a few who I feel would use this in a way to attempt to hurt me. It's a Catch 22. You can't share the good and the bad, and be exposed, without being subject to the consequences.
So here goes:
Wednesday, I received an email from a "sister" who I haven't spoken to or seen in nearly a year. Her email frustrated me in that, it was a "command" to do something that I was not responsible for, nor I am directly involved in. I chose to ignore it. (I rarely do this -- but I was very frustrated with this person.) My frustration came because this person indicated for me to email out information to a list of people whose email addresses she had (she replied to a forward she received with all the info intact), and I still can't figure out why SHE couldn't email that out to everyone?!? Also, what she was asking me to pass along -- I didn't know as fact. Seeing her last night, just infuriated me. She intentionally didn't speak to me, and I her. It's so immature. My behavior that is. But I didn't have anything nice to say, and was afraid that I was going to be not nice in a setting where that behavior was completely inappropriate. Then to add fuel to my fire, seeing the rest of the entourage and the cliches that still exist, long after we've graduated.
I know that I should not care. I KNOW THAT. But the fact is that I do, and I know that this is where I fall short emotionally, but virtue that I am still in need to that acceptance. Some of the people that spoke last night. Not because they were funny, but because of the hypocrisy. I wish I could go into detail. I REALLY wish I could go into detail. But, I'm not, and it's foolish, and it's probably stupid for me to even write about this, but ... I did. My hope is that I won't come back and feel some need to edit/erase this.
Last night, I really had to struggle alot with forgiveness. I don't see where I did anything wrong to these people. I've tried, with great gesture, to let them know that I love them, and want the best for them, and yet, I am still received coldly and, just plain hatefully! But I want to make things as "right" as I can. It starts with me asking for forgiveness. I do need to ask forgiveness for my hateful attitude, and obviously, my not so pure thoughts. We're admonished to think on things that are good, and (reading the above), I am obviously struggling with that. I know this is a sign of spiritual maturity as well... and it's a day by day process. Last night, I seriously contemplated another huge gesture to say "I think you're Great!", but decided that, this is one of those times where it's really best to say "I'm sorry." and realize that God will heal the frustration in my heart. Should they choose not to forgive me, then it lies on their hands, not mine.
Kay Arthur once said (my paraphase) that we would be hard-pressed to find where Jesus ever told us to forgive ourselves. He repeatedly instructs us to forgive others and to accept His Forgiveness. Because of our sin nature, we have no capacity to forgive ourselves; it must be from Him.
I know that there are people in my life that I have "done wrong". That's why I love "My Name is Earl". Although the premise of the show is a comedy, the fact is, if we could write a list of things we'd done wrong, people we'd mistreated, and mistakes we'd made and undo them all, we WOULD. In a heartbeat. This weekend, I have the prime opportunity to make restitution for a roommate that I apparently mistreated. I was stupid. I can't undo anything. But I am going to ask her forgiveness, and pray for healing, and believe that God will take care of the rest.
Albeit COMPLETELY FRUSTRATING, I am thankful for last night's event. It reminds me of my humanity, and that God will humble me when I get too big for my own good. It's all about him, and not about me. I am unworthy of forgiveness, but "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son. Whoever believes in Him, will not die, but have everlasting life." J3:16. And God knew I would struggle repeatedly with this stuff, so he and Peter had this conversation:
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.""
I've got a long way to go...
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
1.17.2007
I feel a little random today...
I'm eating a pop-tart that's ridiculously soft, even though I didn't put it in the toaster. The texture is making my mouth concerned. I was craving a Bacon, Egg, & Cheese biscuit from the new McDonald's in Cohutta, but I resisted this morning. Yay for willpower.
It's 30 degrees outside, and as I pulled up to work this morning, I realized that I left my jacket at home! I am still slightly frustrated with myself. Oh well. At least I have on a good sweater.
I am easily intimidated by people. I can be cool and confident on the outside, but secretly I am seeking approval from people -- and it all comes out in some serious intimidation for me. Tomorrow night, my sorority is having a special ceremony for "new girls" and alumni. There will be people there that I haven't seen in a while. And I'm going shopping tonight. I have been out of college for five years, I have a good job, but I still in some weird way am intimidated by them and feel some need to impress. I have moments where I feel like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz.
My roommate left me the sweetest note last night. I wanted to squeeze her when I read it this morning. :) Also... we are addicted to "Dog, The Bounty Hunter". We even google'd Leland last night. He would be perfect for my roomie, since she's 4'11", and Leland's only 5'5". We are trying to figure out how to get to Hawaii QUICKLY!!!
And my celebrity crush is getting out of hand. I looked up David Caruso yesterday, and my heart actually skipped a beat!! I know that I am getting older when I think a 50-year old redhead is HOT! So... please keep me in your prayers. I think I need them!!!
Last night, I had bible study at FBC. I think it went well. I don't think I did such a hot job keeping things under control, but I had help (two women in particular who kept things in line), and also think that the conversation/discussion we had was good. The homework... is terrible. But, I know that this is "stretching". It's different from what I've done, and different from what they've done, but it's good. We need to be uncomfortable; we need to be stretched. I am taking the liberty to speak for the group when I say, we don't want to stay the same. If we did, we wouldn't be doing this. We would be at home, (they would be at home with their families, I would be watching TV!), and not come back. But we're not. I can only pray for God to show us things out of our consistency and dedication. That we may be persistent enough to continually approach the throne until we get something! As opposed to Jacob's literal wrestling with God, I'd like to think of this as emotional wrestling. I'm not stopping until God blesses me!
I'm eating a pop-tart that's ridiculously soft, even though I didn't put it in the toaster. The texture is making my mouth concerned. I was craving a Bacon, Egg, & Cheese biscuit from the new McDonald's in Cohutta, but I resisted this morning. Yay for willpower.
It's 30 degrees outside, and as I pulled up to work this morning, I realized that I left my jacket at home! I am still slightly frustrated with myself. Oh well. At least I have on a good sweater.
I am easily intimidated by people. I can be cool and confident on the outside, but secretly I am seeking approval from people -- and it all comes out in some serious intimidation for me. Tomorrow night, my sorority is having a special ceremony for "new girls" and alumni. There will be people there that I haven't seen in a while. And I'm going shopping tonight. I have been out of college for five years, I have a good job, but I still in some weird way am intimidated by them and feel some need to impress. I have moments where I feel like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz.
My roommate left me the sweetest note last night. I wanted to squeeze her when I read it this morning. :) Also... we are addicted to "Dog, The Bounty Hunter". We even google'd Leland last night. He would be perfect for my roomie, since she's 4'11", and Leland's only 5'5". We are trying to figure out how to get to Hawaii QUICKLY!!!
And my celebrity crush is getting out of hand. I looked up David Caruso yesterday, and my heart actually skipped a beat!! I know that I am getting older when I think a 50-year old redhead is HOT! So... please keep me in your prayers. I think I need them!!!
Last night, I had bible study at FBC. I think it went well. I don't think I did such a hot job keeping things under control, but I had help (two women in particular who kept things in line), and also think that the conversation/discussion we had was good. The homework... is terrible. But, I know that this is "stretching". It's different from what I've done, and different from what they've done, but it's good. We need to be uncomfortable; we need to be stretched. I am taking the liberty to speak for the group when I say, we don't want to stay the same. If we did, we wouldn't be doing this. We would be at home, (they would be at home with their families, I would be watching TV!), and not come back. But we're not. I can only pray for God to show us things out of our consistency and dedication. That we may be persistent enough to continually approach the throne until we get something! As opposed to Jacob's literal wrestling with God, I'd like to think of this as emotional wrestling. I'm not stopping until God blesses me!
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