I have a lot I want to post today, and will do so later on.
This week has been humbling, to say the least. I find myself in moments where I am so excited about what God is doing, but realize that I have a LONG way to go. The road to spiritual maturity is paved with (me) falling on my face alot. Strangely enough, I'm okay with that.
Last night was the "new" part of induction for my Sorority. My Alma Mater made several changes this year, and the club added a portion that included alumnae. I'm trying to be as vague as possible, because I'm struggling with whether I should even be blogging this at all. I am, based on the justification that I can, and it bothers me, but the war within is whether I'm blogging out of anger and frustration, and also cognitively, who I'm blogging to. As I've late, I've been sharing this blog with a lot of people, to open up for a plethora of reasons. There are however, a few who I feel would use this in a way to attempt to hurt me. It's a Catch 22. You can't share the good and the bad, and be exposed, without being subject to the consequences.
So here goes:
Wednesday, I received an email from a "sister" who I haven't spoken to or seen in nearly a year. Her email frustrated me in that, it was a "command" to do something that I was not responsible for, nor I am directly involved in. I chose to ignore it. (I rarely do this -- but I was very frustrated with this person.) My frustration came because this person indicated for me to email out information to a list of people whose email addresses she had (she replied to a forward she received with all the info intact), and I still can't figure out why SHE couldn't email that out to everyone?!? Also, what she was asking me to pass along -- I didn't know as fact. Seeing her last night, just infuriated me. She intentionally didn't speak to me, and I her. It's so immature. My behavior that is. But I didn't have anything nice to say, and was afraid that I was going to be not nice in a setting where that behavior was completely inappropriate. Then to add fuel to my fire, seeing the rest of the entourage and the cliches that still exist, long after we've graduated.
I know that I should not care. I KNOW THAT. But the fact is that I do, and I know that this is where I fall short emotionally, but virtue that I am still in need to that acceptance. Some of the people that spoke last night. Not because they were funny, but because of the hypocrisy. I wish I could go into detail. I REALLY wish I could go into detail. But, I'm not, and it's foolish, and it's probably stupid for me to even write about this, but ... I did. My hope is that I won't come back and feel some need to edit/erase this.
Last night, I really had to struggle alot with forgiveness. I don't see where I did anything wrong to these people. I've tried, with great gesture, to let them know that I love them, and want the best for them, and yet, I am still received coldly and, just plain hatefully! But I want to make things as "right" as I can. It starts with me asking for forgiveness. I do need to ask forgiveness for my hateful attitude, and obviously, my not so pure thoughts. We're admonished to think on things that are good, and (reading the above), I am obviously struggling with that. I know this is a sign of spiritual maturity as well... and it's a day by day process. Last night, I seriously contemplated another huge gesture to say "I think you're Great!", but decided that, this is one of those times where it's really best to say "I'm sorry." and realize that God will heal the frustration in my heart. Should they choose not to forgive me, then it lies on their hands, not mine.
Kay Arthur once said (my paraphase) that we would be hard-pressed to find where Jesus ever told us to forgive ourselves. He repeatedly instructs us to forgive others and to accept His Forgiveness. Because of our sin nature, we have no capacity to forgive ourselves; it must be from Him.
I know that there are people in my life that I have "done wrong". That's why I love "My Name is Earl". Although the premise of the show is a comedy, the fact is, if we could write a list of things we'd done wrong, people we'd mistreated, and mistakes we'd made and undo them all, we WOULD. In a heartbeat. This weekend, I have the prime opportunity to make restitution for a roommate that I apparently mistreated. I was stupid. I can't undo anything. But I am going to ask her forgiveness, and pray for healing, and believe that God will take care of the rest.
Albeit COMPLETELY FRUSTRATING, I am thankful for last night's event. It reminds me of my humanity, and that God will humble me when I get too big for my own good. It's all about him, and not about me. I am unworthy of forgiveness, but "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son. Whoever believes in Him, will not die, but have everlasting life." J3:16. And God knew I would struggle repeatedly with this stuff, so he and Peter had this conversation:
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.""
I've got a long way to go...