Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Somedays... I definitely feel more neurotic than others. I often question my internal instinct. Am I paranoid? Or are my instincts telling me that something is awry? Ridiculous as it sounds, I am relieved to find that I am not crazy or paranoid and that whatever internal mechanisms and controls are working overdrive are in fact NOT working overdrive in vain.

I want to share the dream that was shared last night at a bible study. (I go to two -- one on Tuesday and another on Thursday). The important part of the dream was that the guy (who had the dream) was riding in a small sports car through the hills of England. The car was gaining speed rapidly and (the dreamer) remembers hanging on to the side and glancing frequently at the speedometer seeing that it was in fact 'in the red'. The driver is talking and looks over at his passenger and says "You don't think I'm in control?". The car continues to accelerate as they travel, now steeper into the mountains. It begins to rain. The passenger notices leaves on the side of the road and assesses that the road may be slippery. He holds on tighter. The driver again looks at him and says, smiling "You don't think I'm in control do you?". The driver slams on breaks and pulls up the emergency break. The passenger/dreamer wakes up.

We talked about control last night. How we view God. This dream spoke volumes to me. I am not afraid to ride, but I am fearful that the one who is driving is only concerned with themselves, not with me. I know I have trust issues. Amazing and sad that I know God has GREAT things for me, and yet, I can't relinquish control of the stupidest things. I can't put stuff down long enough to listen to what He has been trying to tell me. No, this is nothing new to me. Irregardless, I still come back to this. A matter of control. How can I still doubt the Sovereign creator who I visibly see Bless people all the time? Why am I still afraid that He is oblivious to what I want and need? And... why do I keep wanting to help him out? I mean, seriously, he's God. You would think I would stop by now.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday -- an old contemporary Christian song, but I love the lyrics of the chorus and am quickened by them every time. They go like this:

Sometimes He calms the storm,
with a whisper "Peace be still".
He can settle any sea;
but it doesn't mean He will.
Sometimes He holds us close,
and lets the winds and waves roll by.
Sometimes He calms the storm,
and other times He calms His child.

It's hard for me to say, but I realize that He is not going to calm the storm. I've begged him to dissipate it, but the storm is necessary to wash away the old and prepare me for the new. Instead, God is working to calm me.

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