06.05.2006

So… I have a million things to do today (as usual) and my mind is all over the place. I am still, very slowly, reading this book about trust. Last night, I read about real trust and how it correlates into our understanding of what is going to take place when Christ returns. This is not one of those “doomsday” talks, because frankly, I just can’t deal with that. I literally have an anxiety attack thinking about it. For the first time ever, I found something that helped me think about why I have those attacks… and simply put, it has to do with my finite understanding of the infinite. There is a quote that I am going to butcher, but that basically states that atheists have it the easiest. Because of their lack of acknowledgement of God, they evade the mind games of deeper spirituality. It helps them evade the questions at night, when you are in bed, wondering about eternity. Atheism is though a child-like naivety of nothing. Do you remember the days when you had no worries? Atheists just choose not to worry about God. God is unavoidable, as many found out, but that’s a topic for another time.

This weekend tested my trust in the Lord again. Anyone who was with me would not think so, but just because you can’t see the wheels turning, doesn’t mean they aren’t. I had lots to think about and reflect upon this weekend. I watched a wedding and strangely wasn’t moved as I normally am. Maybe my wedding season (seven years now) is finally drawing to a close. I realized yesterday that I am still very passionate about some things, but still want to resolve them in my own way. I still want God to appoint me in control of my life.

In American Pastoral, Philip Roth wrote:
“You fight your superficiality, your shallowness, so as to try to come at people without unreal expectations, without an overload of bias or hope or arrogance, as untanklike as you can be… You come at them unmenacingly on your own ten toes instead of tearing up the turf with your caterpillar treads, take them on with an open mind, as equals… and yet you never fail to get them wrong. You might as well have the brain of a tank. You get them wrong before you meet them, while you’re anticipating meeting them; and then you go home to tell somebody else about the meeting and you get them all wrong again. Since the same generally goes for them with you, the whole thing is really a dazzling illusion empty of all perception, an astonishing farce of misperception… so ill-equipped are we all to envision another’s interior working and invisible aims.”
Here I am again…back at trust. I can only understand trust with my finite mind. While it shouldn’t take me that long to figure this out, it is still a concept I can’t grasp. God Almighty created all of the heavens and the earth… heavens we are still exploring with every new star and galaxy we can find… and He is still concerned about me, and has, from the beginning of time, known what He has in store for me. T-R-U-S-T.