Friday, January 25, 2008

the real me part 1

I know I've said this before, but I often wish I had a real writer's heart. I wish I had the vocabulary, prose, and capacity to write as expressively and captivatingly as real writer's do.

But I don't. :(

But I often find myself of writing under the convention that I have to be amusing or entertaining, flippant, when in fact I'm not, and flighty. Okay, so I can be flighty sometimes, but I have depth. I digress. But in the course of life, I invariably, and thankfully (believe it or not) am blessed to be presented, without request, the opportunity for perspective and time to reflect on me. the real me. the ugly, self-righteous, pompeous, desperately-in-need-of-God's-grace me. Can I get an AMEN? I pray that you are not sitting back reading this thinking how perfect you are and how flawed and horrible I am. I will pray conviction on you for that. So there.

Yesterday, I was catching up my homework for the Beth Moore bible study that I'm doing with my fantabulous ladies at DFBC. I need to tell you that, I believe, wholeheartedly, this was meant to be a happy and oh so very edifying study. It has instead become, for me, the looking glass of all wicked witch looking glasses so that I can see some things that I need the Almighty to fix. 'Cause obviously I cannot, and continue to impair myself spiritually and emotionally when I do. I'm not God, so you would thing that would be a given, right? Ugh, no. I still trying to be the "fixer of all things Jennifer". Lord, please let this be the season that I finally get it in my head??? Please, please?? The first and second day's homework was so right up my alley, I couldn't even re-write the psalm because I was ashamed. Instead I wrote:

"I can't write this because I feel like I am one of those liar who stir up things to prevent peace."

and I cried. Oh, but don't you worry, I needed a good soulful cry to ask for forgiveness. Lest any of you believe that I think you don't have to daily die -- see above. I boo-hoo'ed in my office totally ashamed of myself.

And then decided to keep on doing the homework, and came to a stop at day 8. The lesson, "Much Contempt" references Psalm 123:

"I lift up my eyes to you, to you whose throne is in heaven. As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the LORD our God, till he shows us his mercy. Have mercy on us, O LORD, have mercy on us, for we have endured much contempt. We have endured much ridicule from the proud, much contempt from the arrogant."

I wish I could write and tell you how personal this scripture is to me having been ridiculed and the object of contempt. 'Cause I have. But, oh my, how much it occurred to me that I have been the giver instead of the reciever. I have harbored some serious animocity towards New Guy these last few months. In the study, the sentence I highlighted were:

"Disrespect devalues (them)."

"We can be disrespectful in the way we look at the person talking to us or even more disrespectful in our refusal to look."


Right on my big 'ole stupid heart, mouth, and heart.

(Pause for reflection.)

I really don't know why I wanted to share all this. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I put others on pedastals as though they are perfect, which of course, only makes me feel even more imperfect. Maybe it's because somebody else needs a spiritual gut-check too. I'm a pretty good person, so I think, until I realize that I'm not, and that if it weren't for God's grace, I would have busted Hell wide open a long time ago.

If I had the privilege to re-write the end of Psalm 123 to personalize it, I would say this:

"Have mercy on me. Be merciful to me because I realize that I have put people through alot. People have been on the recieving end of my unnecessary arrogance for too long. Have mercy on them, and have mercy on me."

1 comment:

uscang said...

I am doing this same bible study and it is phenomenal. Really speaking to me as well. For someone who is "not a writer"... very well said.