Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Let's talk.

So, ...

Aside from the fact that I can't figure out how to start this post, and the fact that, due to a note BooMama made mention of, I feel foolish not having a title or using "..." as my title every other day, y'all are stuck with "let's talk".

The blogging absense.
My head.

Is that good?

This year, in exactly 207 days, I will turn 30. Where I am in my life right now, where I feel like I'm headed, is not really where I thought I'd be by the time I got ready to turn the big 3-0. I was sure I' d be married with like four kids, driving a minivan from one practice to another, so engulfed in church that I wouldn't know if I was at home or there, madly in love with some man, and of course, skinny.

'Cause who imagines themselves being a fatty? Not me.

Alas, I do not have said kids, said husband, said minivan, said practices, or said thinness.

But,... I have to be thankful for that. And the reality is, I am. I'm glad I wasn't 17 or 21 or 23 or even 27 when I got married and started having babies because I wasn't mature enough. I would have totally screwed up God's plan for me. But all that brings me to present day and what I do have going for me.

I am only in debt for student loans and under $1000 in credit cards. Nothing more.
I have a really good job.
I have family that loves me.
I have friends that I care deeply about.
I have potential.

A friend of mine recently went skydiving and had some serious anxiety before doing so. In listening to her, I realized that I have NO DESIRE TO JUMP OUT OF A MOVING PLANE AT 14,000 FEET. But her jumping is a metaphor for how I'm going to move forward. You jump with faith knowing that the parachute will open, that you will land, that all will be okay, and that you are forever changed because of the experience.

and THAT is exactly what I want.

That potential has kind of been eating at me for weeks, enough to prevent me from posting the last few, to really make some changes. To set some goals and start on them before my 30th birthday. To get rid of some toxic relationships I have in my life. To get rid of some health issues before they get worse. (Hello, Mr. Blood Pressure, yesterday was the beginning of the end of you bothering me. Please make note.) To stop underachieving in life out of a need to be accepted as a "cool kid". To stop feeling inadequate that I am not where I thought I'd be or where my friends are. To stop feeling sorry for myself about being single.

Along with tangible goals, I know there are some things that have to change inside too. Taking thoughts captive and retraining my tongue and brain to daily speak blessings. Learning to see life through new eyes, a different perspective. I don't want to change the outside without the inside changing first.

So, if you start to see some changes, know that I want you to ask questions. And I definitely need your encouragement. The way I look at it... the next 207 days are going to be the most interesting I've ever had!

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