Monday, February 13, 2006

Some days, I allow the inner turmoil to spill out. It's as though I feel everything, yet feel nothing. I become so mechanized that I don't realize what's going on until I wake up, and realize that a week has gone by. Who I am is furiously fighting who I want to be. Sometimes, it prevents me from recognizing myself in the mirror. The hair color changes, the eyes change, the clothes change. It's a morphe, in and of itself. It is at times beautiful, and at other times, completely and totally terrifying.

The last year of my life has been an incredible roller coaster. I once penned the love is like a roller coaster -- it takes you to heights you never dreamed, and depths that you never imagined. I just "numbed" out this year -- for reasons that I cannot begin to explain. Just as everything else, that has great consequence, for which I wake up everyday and face. It is hard. Not waking up, but waking up to face it all again. I want the consequence to just go away, and it won't. It can't, simply because I am just now beginning to let it go.

There has been a lot of death in this last week. Three to be exact. Lives that were all taken so briefly. I thought today about those who are going to mourn the dead in service and how that I pray desperately for something to be said reiterating that there is NO LIFE outside of Christ. This is our wake-up call. We are not promised today. This is no new revelation. But, let's be honest -- unless we intentionally remind ourselves, we do forget that we are not promised tomorrow. We preach about it, but only in brief times are we really faced with our own mortality. Maybe I am alone. If so, maybe it was for me. Last Sunday, I was at my Mom's church and the pastor showed the clip where Christ was beaten in the coluseum -- where he was beaten and bruised for my iniquity, where he took the blow for my life. He died for my friend, but did my friend really know Him? This makes me so heartbroken. I did something today that I don't think I've ever done. I really earnestly prayed for my classmates, both in high school and in college. Even in Mecca, we take for granted that he died for us. We are so complacent and pacified that we forget. Bible studies, socials, get to gethers, and cheap words are our worthless substitute. It's just sad.

So,... I have trust issues. I've known this deep in my heart, but don't verbalize it. Some of my friends know, but they have no idea of the depth. The man that I loved the most, I never trusted. I also checked up on him, kept my eyes watching every move. I never just closed my eyes, and took a deep breath and trusted. I justified my distrust by what I found. Granted, there are reasons, but none can justify my lack of trust. In a round about way, my own distrust distrusted me. I am honestly terrified to let anyone in. It's easier to keep people at arm's length than to just trust them. To trust and know that they will fail me, and that it's okay, and that life goes on. I don't do that. I always am working on a back-up plan. I often envision how converstations will go, and in the roll play of my mind, I have different scenarios, and then different reactions for each scenario. I will admit that 99% of the time, the actual situations don't go that way at all. I would say 100%, but I would like to believe that one has actually gone my way. I don't trust myself too. I rationalize my own intuition (to my detriment), and just wind up hurting myself.

So... I'm a little transparent right now. Oh yeah, and I'm really shy... an introvert who is scared that she'll never change, and force myself into being an extrovert, or at least letting people think I am. There's goes a mask...

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