I’m feeling lazy today. I was totally putting off writing my little blurb about bathing suits. Not sure why the zeal to write has dissipated, but it’s on the fizzle, forrizzle Shizzle.
I have really been wanting to blog about my personal situation (you know, the one that’s still in the healing process), but have been very hesitant to do so. I still want to, simply because it’s my blog and I can. In the past though, I have used my blogs to attack people, and I don’t want to do that. With that said, let me tell you that a dear friend called me last week, if for nothing else, to give another confirmation that I am not crazy.
I prayed for over three years for God to let this “Somebody” be my “Somebody”. Let me say that there were red flags. But I begged and pleaded for God to let us be together. (And Y’all know the together I’m referring to – the three rings and a ceremony “together”.) It’s difficult at times to process the why of things happening, and is thus our defense mechanism to press on. There are some days where, nothing comes to mind, and others where, I am consumed with thoughts. I have been patient and quiet (ask BW, I was NOT quiet), and not said anything to this person because I know that nothing I say will be received correctly, and when that is the inevitable consequence, it’s best to say nothing at all.
But oh how my heart breaks for my former “Somebody’s” new “Somebody”. I do pray for God to bless them. If for nothing else, I pray it because I’m supposed to pray for my enemies. (Yes, you read that right.) This new “Somebody” is at my house on a quasi-regular basis, and no matter how you rationalize it, it’s not easy for me. But my heart breaks for her, because there are so many things she doesn’t know, and if she does, and is choosing to ignore those flags, then God help her. I can only pray for God to heal that situation.
(I know the ambiguity of those last two paragraphs have kept you on the end of your seat.)
And then I’ve been wrestling with other things. The Wednesday night class I attend has been focused on forgiveness and making things right – whether its just forgiveness that is needed, or restitution, or reconciliation. And my mind has been wrastlin’. (My Aunt Sandi says that.) I’ve contemplated asking for forgiveness, but at this point, am not sure why I would need to ask forgiveness except for having hateful/hurtful thoughts again the “Somebodys”, and I ask God for forgiveness on those on a regular basis. And since me and the original “Somebody” aren’t speaking, do I need to ask forgiveness?? I understand more and more why Jacob wrestled all night long. Maybe I need a wrestling ring and an angel.