I haven't cried much lately.
I find myself getting really angry and frustrated with people. Little things, that are inconsequential -- I'm blowing out of proportion. Stuff that I shouldn't be concerned with -- I make monumental. I'm pulling apart from a lot of my friends. I find myself not wanting anything to do with them. The questions they ask me that used to make me feel needed, now make me feel used. The comments that once made me feel appreciated and loved, now ring like cheap brass in my ears. I find those comments arrogant and condescending. It's as though I'm pulling away from my whole life... like I've been trying to tell my friends for months that things are not okay, that I'm not okay, that something is bigger, something is wrong, and that all of them are too self-indulged to pay any attention.
Today, I spent the day with my Dad.
I'm sorry... I find myself crying.
Not because of him though. Because of news that I found out today that has made me not only cry but weap and is literally ripping my heart out of my chest.
And it makes all that other stuff REALLY INCONSEQUENTIAL.
And it makes me want to run away from my whole life just for one minute to stop the thing that is causing my anguish and is literally ripping my heart out of my chest.
But I know, my head knows, that I can't, and I can't do anything but sit and watch and pray for God to be merciful.
And wait for my heart to be ripped out of my chest.
Knowing that, in spite of my pain, my horrible deep severe oh-my-god-i-wish-this-didn't-have-to-happen-pain, that God is in control, and this is part of His plan.
I don't even know where to begin to process all of my thoughts, much less my emotions, to know where grieving begins or ends, how many boxes of Kleenex to buy to start wiping away tears.
I don't appreciate the candor of the voices that told me... the two of them. I wanted to shut them up immediately, to make them take back their words into the void that all those kind of words should go into. But I know that they've both experienced it, and came out okay... I just know that I didn't and don't want this to be happening.
And you know the weirdest part of it all... that I don't want to tell any of my friends. I don't want their comfort, their words, their faux-consolation. I just want Jesus to make it all stop. And while I know He won't, I have to keep finding comfort in seeing the bigger picture. That I am changed. That I am forever changed. That I am the woman I am because of this.
But it still sucks.