I'm in the process of writing this big email about how my company (specifically my building) has given to the Salvation Army this year, and my head is totally not in it.
I'm wrapped up in my thoughts, thoughts that totally consumed me as I laid in bed last night. Thoughts about TRUST and my complete lack of it.
A few years ago, I read (and re-read) Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust, and even blogged about how the Lord had totally healed my trust issues.
The truth is, He DID heal those issues.
But the ugly reality is that I have a lot more trust issues that have cropped up and need healing, but I've focused so much on the past that I've been in denial of my present. I've been in denial of my distrust in the people that surround me.
It's debilitating y'all.
It's the "fight or flight" response in me that wants to run screaming for the hills, but can't.
It's the fact that I am in some weirdo way intentionally (and somewhat maliciously) ostracizing myself from my friends, knowing allthewhile that that's not what I want to do.
It's the fierce independence that I would rather fall flat on my face than ask for help or fail with others.
It's overinvesting in things -- whether financially or emotionally -- but not asking others to do the same and then beating myself (or them) up about it before and during the process.
It's the plank versus the speck.
Simply put -- it is:
I have to do it myself because I don't trust you.
And I have some procrastination tendencies in me... so you can only imagine the frenzy that I work myself into.
And it's stupid.
And the hardest thing in the world to relinquish.
It's hard to explain to people that I DO trust God but don't trust his creation.
I feel like it would be awesome and super-spiritual right here to throw in a scripture about trust. Factoid: There are 164 references to trust in the NIV. But I won't.
And I know those promises... it's just getting it the 18 inches from my heart to my head that's difficult.