12.05.2006

Do you ever have those days where you just want to scream? Today's that day. The check engine light came on in my car. The teller at the bank processed a deposit $30.00 shorter than she should. And I'm frustrated.

I know this is one of those moments where I'm supposed to count my blessings. Yes, I have many. But I'm totally frustrated. I wish I could say that this was all I am frustrated about, but that's a total lie. I'm frustrated about alot of stuff.

Today I was thinking about my life and how different it is from everyone else (that I know) my age. And I don't think different is a good thing today. I know this is just me being frustrated, and I'll get over it. Just not in the next 35 seconds.

Today... this is not what I wanted my life to be. I am not where I wanted to be ten years ago. Approaching my 28th birthday, I find myself very frustrated. Yesterday, I was very excited about the prospect of winning a contest with a football player. Today, that seems totally inconsequential.

This is not a pity party. It's just lack of contentment with where I'm at. And today, I think it's okay to feel that way. I have more than a handful of friends who are having babies, and it's hard not to be jealous. It is sadly convenient not to be uber-compassionate when their bodies ache or creek, and they can't see their feet, seeing as how all of them wanted to have babies. I've also thought about the guys that have come in and out of my life in the last ten years. One of them, I was just awful to. He was wonderful to me, and I was a total brat. Now he's in a relationship and has a six month old daughter. And I'm still alone. Some call it Karma -- sometimes I call it karma -- others find it to be the consequence of the Golden Rule, and I can completely agree with that too. I'm not oblivious to the fact that I am totally reaping what I've sown.

Contrary to the diatribe, I don't want my life to be all about me. I want more. I just want more now, and I don't know how to quiet my desire. I don't want to be selfish, and self-serving. But I'm having a bad day. And that's my blog about it.

Dear God, there's got to be more. Help me to be patient while You figure out what is "more" for me. Amen.