First, let me start by saying that I made a huge step and finally sent the friends closest to me this website. I actually blogged about it the other day. Anonymity is not always a good thing. Anonymity in a spiritual sense is deception and lies, and frankly I want no part of that any more.
In the last 24 hours, I have come clean to my family and friends about me. I am not going to say I'm horribly screwed up, because that is not the case. The reality is that I am human, and imperfect, and have made a lot of mistakes, and haven't always told people how I really feel.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be something different, and looked for means and ways to be different and start over. In some psycho-babble theory that's great, but I'm a child of God, therefore I'm just running away from my problems trying not to deal with them. NO MORE. I'm tired of running. I'm tired of bearing the burdens of secrets. I'm tired of feeling like I am the only one who hurts the way that I do. The bible study that I'm doing calls it seduction. Part if it I call learned behavior. We learn to repress those spiritual things and move on, get better, go higher, leap farther, (you get the picture), to keep those around us from knowing that we are ALL broken and bruised inside. I will not be told that anyone is exempt simply because I know it to be a lie. We have all been tempted and tormented with things. Some embrace them, and refuse to deal with Godly sorrow, others spend years in remorse, trying desperately to erradicate whatever they've done. Jesus, sinless and blameless, even reminds us that he was tempted. Satan wanted Jesus desperately... but instead he got his fate handed to him. Satan knows what is going to happen better than we do. He reads the signs of the times like the Washington Post. And he is pissed off, and wants to destroy us in everyway that he can to get back at God.
But for me... I say no more. I was reminded the other day that the whole armor of God does not include a back plate, because we are never to turn our backs on the enemy. He is out to destroy us. He is out to destroy our hopes and dreams, and families, and ministries, and anything else he can grasp out. He attacks us with sexual sin to destroy the very temple of God. He's just trying to postpone his inevitable demise into Hell. I have allowed the devil to torment me in ways that should have never happened. I have been deceived. Last Wednesday, my Mom prayed for me on my birthday by starting out with "Lord, 28 years ago, I gave Jennifer back to you." Therefore, by virtue of what I know in the deepest depth of my soul, I know that the devil only wants to destroy me because there is something so much greater planned for my life than what I'm in right now. (While I feel this deserves no explanation, I am not making "me" out to be more special than anyone else. God has promised different things to everyone, but this is my blog and this is about me.)
Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See! I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
I've already blogged a few times how wild this year has been. Even the last two weeks have been more tumultous than I could have ever expected. But this verse is now my new favorite, because God is doing a new thing in me. He is ripping away the old things in my life that I have desperately clung to, because He has something wonderful for me... like the old song says "More than Wonderful". There is a cheesy line in a movie that simply says "Times... they are a'changin'." Yes they are.