Tuesday, March 7, 2006

The Beginning

This is a hodge podge post. Be advised before you read.

Today was one of those days that I was just really emo and wanted to vent all day. I have so much going on in my head. It's a good thing I can't get online at work, because I would have just spilled my guts.

Two of my goals for 2006 are closer to becoming reality. It appears that I will be starting my Masters' in the fall. I'm nervous but excited. Also, the current house situation has fallen through. The executor of the estate in charge of the property I put a bid on is a big fat liar, and is now rescinding his initial offer. I am still determined to be a homeowner. Of course, my father plays the roll of the eternal pessimist because "that's just debt you don't need". He will never change.

Saw a bumper sticker yesterday -- "Don't let the car fool you, my treasure is in heaven". If you could have only seen the car -- It was an old Jeep Cherokee that looked like they'd been mud-riding. It was beautiful, and the bumper sticker spoke volumes. I feel like that Jeep. I have mud in my life because of my own mistakes, but don't be fooled, my treasure is in heaven. It also gave me insight into other things -- other people's mud, if you will, and how I am so quick to see the green grass on the other side.

Another prayer from my book that was worth sharing: Lord, usually I am encircled with people caught up in a maze of activities, but tonight I am alone, still, and observant. I forget how misguided a lit can become... I forget what you grace rescued me from. Thank you that you continue to pursue lost lambs, even ones in a stupor. Until the day you take us home to heaven, may you keep me tender toward the destitute, downcast, disgusting, and the forgotten here on earth. Remind us often if necessary that we have been all those things, and that you unreservedly drew us in close to your heart. Amen.

As much as I try to keep myself busy, it doesn't take away the ache in my heart when things are quiet, and dark, and still. I know that I must confront the things with which I choose to avoid confrontation, deal with the things that I am embarassed and afraid to admit my inadequacy, and overcome those areas in my life where I fall short. I am not looking to run a marathon, or cure cancer, but I want to resolve my inconsistency. I don't want to be shy anymore. I don't want to continue to deal with the crap that I find myself dealing with. I realized how timid I am to share my testimony. I don't live it out loud like I want to. Why? Why am I afraid to deal with people in my life? Why do I find myself continually frustrated about the same situations? What do I have to be embarassed of? What do I have to be ashamed of? Why am I so afraid of everyone else's opinions and reactions?

I don't know... but here's to finding out.

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