Wednesday, August 15, 2007


I'm long overdue for a post worth posting. I can't promise that this will be, but at least I'm posting more than one sentence.

I have kept a secret for more than 24 hours. I think this is a record for me. I'm not a good secret keeper (I don't mean to not be, I just am). I will reveal the secret on Friday. :) Stay tuned.

I uploaded reunion pics (from last September) to my Flickr. The updates are going to be out of chronological order, but I want to keep a bunch of stuff up on there. I did order Flickr books for the friends that I went out with on Saturday though. I'm excited to see them!! I also set up a photobook for myself on Snapfish, and pending some pictures from H., it will be finished shortly.

Life is changing for me. I am finally doing things that I have said I would do/felt like they needed to be done, for a long time. It's changing the dynamic of some of my friendships. As much as I used to hate that, I'm way past worrying about/being ridiculously hurt over it anymore. It is that it truly is. I'm not becoming an absolutist. I'm not the extremist type, but I am solidifying a few things in my life, and surprisingly becoming more flexible in others.

I am not an "all about me" person. I love to talk about my family and friends, I'm a total reminiscer, and I love celebrity gossip. (It's vapid, but it's my vice, so don't worry about it, okay?) But I am a principle person. I've been in more disagreements with people over principle issues than I can count. And I lose a good portion of the time.

I digress.

I'm moving on past the crush. Don't get me wrong, that man is GOOD-LOOKIN' but, let's face it, he's not into me, and he's not in a place in his life where he even wants to. He doesn't return phone calls or texts (when I contact him for group stuff), -- which is TOTALLY TACKY AND FRUSTRATING btw, but the big deal is that -- He's just not into me. The days of me foolishly pining have to be over. It means, I really don't want to be around him. Let's face it -- I'm a habitual crusher, and I don't know how to magically change that overnight. God is still healing my heart over the last guy, and it's not fair to me or to the Crush to do that.

And I deserve a man who wants to call and text me back.

I'm having to separate myself from friends over "affection" issues. I'm not proud of everything I've done in my life. I try not to waste time regreting it, because I can't go back and undo it. But more than anything, I want to be a woman of integrity. Please don't misconstrude or read beyond what I am saying. There have been two men in my life that I loved 100%, but now they're both married, and I'm okay with that. Neither of them really knew how to love me, and #2 wasn't even committed. Again -- not my point. I just can't deal with stuff anymore. If my friends don't respect me when I say things repeatedly, then I just have to remove myself from situations where I will get upset/disappointed. I guess I'm saying -- I'm not 16 anymore, and I don't enjoy spending time with people who act like they're in high school. I'm forcing myself to grow-up and move on. The Girl Scout motto is: "make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other is gold". I have discovered that, when I put distance between relationships, one of two things happens: 1) we grow closer after all is said and done, or 2) we realize it's a good time to move on.

It happens.

I'm having issues with people saying who they are -- and then acting COMPLETELY differently.

I'm imperfect.
I'm impatient. (I originally typed "iNpatient, which may be more appropriate than not. LOL)
I'm judgmental.
I hold grudges sometimes.
I'm materialistic when I want to be.
I struggle with body image. A LOT.
I'm not a fan of alcohol.
I don't like people in ministry who are constantly justifying their actions as "ministry".
I'm fallable.
I'm perpetually late. to work. to school. to church. to meet friends. It's my M.O.
I stumble.
I fall.
I get up again.
I fall down again.
I'm human.

This is who I am.

But surpassing all that, I love Jesus. With my whole heart. I trust, beyond what I say and do, that He has great plans for me. I want more than anything to fulfill them. Life is bigger than me, but if my witness destroys the opportunity to share "He that is in me", then I am not better than the world.

Time's... they are a'changin'.

1 comment:

Clay said...

very. good. post.