Um... so I'm scheduled to get on a plane in about four days, and I'm completely freaked out about it. I'm going to a wedding of THE BOY THAT I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE MARRIED. Over five years ago, he left Alabama to be with a redheaded accountant named Jennifer.
That relationship didn't work out, but through her he met his current fiance. Who was engaged to someone at the time. And then four years ago, came to visit me, and talked about her non-stop. And it was in the parking deck at my last job (a.k.a. Hades) that I realized he was TOTALLY into her.
And when got back to my house, I hugged him and I kissed him squarely on the lips and told him to go get that girl. And when he left to get that girl, I used him as leverage for the boy that I thought wanted me. HA! While my relationship sank like the Titanic, Robert and the girl hit it off. She loved him. He's a dork, but he's faithful. They had to work through their trust issues. And then they moved in together, and then she got pregnant. And Baby T was born. And then he proposed in Vegas last year. And they started planning a really big August '09 wedding. And then they found out they were preggers with baby #2. And August becomes February. And they come to town to see me, and for the first time, I met the Fiance. And she's sweet. And she loves Robert with her whole heart. And I can't not like her.
And I am totally conflicted. Robert and I have this great, hilarious, ridiculous history. He's the first boy I told "I Love You" face to face. He's the boy I punched in the face the first time he tried to kiss me. He once left a rose on my car, and I DROVE OVER IT. AND THEN I BACKED UP AND DROVE OVER IT AGAIN. And the only reason he left it was because he knew I'd had a terrible day. And I faked falling asleep so he wouldn't kiss me on NYE '96.
While I'm happy that my wonderful friend has found someone who loves him and doesn't drive over his gifts, I can't help but be sad. I can't help but wonder if I'm not an idiot. For not being willing to compromise with him (I do love him, I always have, but we were not even remotely equally yoked and I would have had to force him to go to church every Sunday). Or if I'm a bigger idiot for going to the wedding.
And in four days, I'm going to get on a plane to California. And then I'm going to get on a second plane with my brother and fly to the city where they live. I'm going to be at their wedding. And I'll stand (and gasp and smile) when she walks into the room. And I'll clap when they're pronounced Husband and Wife. And I'll cringe when they announce them Mr. and Mrs. for the first time. And I'm not sure if the tears I'll be crying will be happy tears or sad tears.
But I'm pretty sure there will be tears.
And Lots of Them.
And hopefully, I'll come back to the South. To the place I call home. To the place that I left Robert for 9 1/2 years ago and I'll realized that I moved on a long time ago, and that this is just closure.
And I'll meet that man. That man that God has for me. And I'll love him more than I ever loved Robert. And I'll be thankful that Robert has somebody who loves him deeply. And I'll be thankful that Robert showed me that somebody could love me, completely in spite of myself.
And the Mr. and Mrs. will get a chance to come back to the South, sooner than later, to watch me take somebody else's name.
But then again, maybe I should just focus on THIS weekend and not get ahead of myself.