truth

i am a big 'ole faker.

i pretend that i have it all together, but the truth is, i've got it so NOT well put together, that i have most folks fooled.

but today is one of those days where i can't fool anybody.

because i never went to sleep.

i could tell you it's because i stayed up reading the third book in the 'shopaholic' series -- which is true. i've now read the first three and all they do is suck me in, remind me of the financial bind i was in a few years ago, give me heart palpitations, and prevent me from putting the stupid buggers down. oh, and i should mention the author is british, so now i'd really like to go get the post, and yell 'bloody' as an adjective. blimey.

but the real reason is me. i did something stupid, and would love love love love love to call in sick today because i don't want to face my world. i just don't. and as i've laid awake all night reading this book, i've simultaneously pondered how i can get out of my responsibility.

the beauty of being a woman who can multitask -- that is to read AND think at the same time -- sucks more than you know.

or maybe some of you do know and can totally relate to my neurosis and make me feel better.

but, then that makes you an emotional enabler for me. oh blimey, i'm tattering again.

ha.

but i have NOT slept. i woke up at 9 on sunday, and here it is 4:21 am and i've had no sleep. in a few minutes, i'm going to finish getting ready, and i'm going on to work. and i'm going to face the things i dread the most. i'm going to face my fear and my anxiety head-on. running away is foolish and cowardly, an i'm tired of being that way.

i am asking you to pray for me today. i'm pretty sure i'm going to hit a wall around 2.

thanks. :)

*updated... i wound up taking an hour and a half nap. although i'm pretty sure that made it worse. blimey. :)