Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I'm like TVA... without the engineers.
2009 has been an interesting year so far. We've had 20 days into the new year and somehow I am already ready for 2010.
In an attempt to be more vulnerable as well as accepting some things about myself, I feel inclined to share that I had a small meltdown last night. One of the things I hate about blogging is the censorship. I've even blogged about it before. And yesterday, I received a message about a blog post that I'd put up, and it almost sent me over the edge.
While this will come as no shock to my close friends, I am reactionary. I wish I could be one of those women who stop, regroup, and then respond, but I tend to respond first then stop, regroup, and wind up apologizing. It's just who I am, and everyday, God is working on that in me. But last night, as usual, I responded first. First, I responded (somewhat cordially) to the person who emailed me, then I responded with my actions. My over-the-top-completely-unnecessary actions if I'd just chilled out. And I had a few phone calls yesterday that had already made me a little aggravated. And while I'm still "practicing" for conversations I may or may not have (do you ever do that?), I got a good dose of perspective this morning in the shower.
I went to sleep last night, very frustrated at what's going on, frustrated at the "censorship", frustrated at foolishness. I woke up this morning, in the same mindset too.
But God, in his infinite wisdom knows where to meet us when we don't expect it, when we don't want to listen, or even talk to him about it. He meets me in the shower.
Showering is the most vulnerable time for me daily. Where I am exposed (literally) as well as figuratively, preparing to wash away the things and get clean again. His Words pierced my terrible attitude, my frustration, my disappointment, and my reactive nature all at once.
Almost a year ago, I went and had a few pages laminated to hang in my shower. The first page is Psalm 103, and the phrase "Pray Naked" -- uncovered and laid bare (Hebrew 4:13). The following two pages are covered with reminders about how to live, good words, verses to live by, goals, and conclude with "Mahala ke Akua" ("Thank You God" in Hawaiian).
But it was the first sentence on the second page that God spoke through this morning --
"Today is a new day. Don't let what happened yesterday ruin today. 'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing!' Isaiah 43:18-19"
And for right now, that's all I've got. I can't let what happened yesterday -- my actions, other people's actions -- control today. God is doing a new thing, in me, and I don't want to miss any of it.